Tonight I watched "Father of the Bride" which I believe to be one of the best movies ever and it made me so sad. I thought about when I got married 2 and a half years ago. My engagement was a hard time for me. I know most people wouldn't say that, but I went through a very hard time moving here. I never thought I'd come back to Georgia after leaving at age 5. I never wanted to, but following my family seemed like a logical decision because I wasn't finished college and I still lived at home. And when James said he was coming too, it just seemed like the right thing to do. But the truth is, I missed my friends and family in Maryland so much and I still don't like it here. When I got engaged, I had no friends to celebrate with. I had lived here 3 weeks. I was thrilled to be marrying James, but so much of me was hurting that it clouded everything else. I planned my wedding with the help of my mom and grandma, but few friends here. And when I packed up my room to move into our new house weeks before the wedding, I was more numb than ever. There were no tears. It's weird. I'm a very sensitive and emotional person, but during times of extreme emotional stress-- something that would normally tear me up-- I shut down. Then finally, on the night of our rehearsal-- during the rehearsal-- it all came to a head. I broke down and ran out. Sure I was happy, but so overwhelmed with other feelings too. It was hard to see friends and family I loved so much, who I hadn't seen in a year, and know that after tomorrow, they'd all be gone. And although I didn't *feel* the feelings I knew I had, it was so hard moving out. I love my family. I was a very non-emotional bride. I was happy, but it was whistful and my heart was aching knowing that I was all grown up. It was hard watching my mom try to conceal tears for fear of upsetting me when I knew her heart was breaking. I suppose I wasn't the typical blushing bride eventhough I was thrilled to be marrying the love of my life.
I think seeing "Father of the Bride" tonight made me re-live many of the emotions I knew I had, but wasn't able to feel. Why on the "happiest" day of my life was I such a wreck? Although the day turned out beautifully, I wish I hadn't been so numb-- hiding all the stress and sad emotionns I was afraid would come out. James doesn't know I felt this way, because it would make him think I wasn't happy marrying him. I don't mind if he reads this, but I doubt he will. He's been so busy. :-( I truly was happy, but sometimes I have so many feelings, I just shut down-- I become numb. I guess that's just me.
Posted by Hannah at April 11, 2005 10:29 PMlook forward, dear hannah, it's the best way :) to look. you have a wonderful life ahead of you and so many possibilities...and don't be afraid to express how you feel.
perhaps you were being more considerate than numb?
Posted by: stef at April 11, 2005 11:50 PMI know the feeling you're talking about. When life gets to be so much that we can't do anything about it except to just deal with it. Everything else gets locked inside. And then something will bring it to the surface and it hurts like never before, and there's nothing you can do but acknowledge it hurts.
Posted by: Pink Sun Drops at April 12, 2005 12:53 AMWe put so much pressure on ourselves when it comes to weddings--where did we ever get the idea that that *one day* is supposed to be nothing but sun and rainbows and smiles with no tears? Then when we feel more complex emotions on that day, we don't know how to classify them, and we feel something is wrong. Hannah, I felt many of the same things on my wedding day two years ago, even though I also felt truly blessed. I know now that getting married is such a big rite of passage, and it entails beginnings *and* endings--and it is right to feel overwhelmed by that. Never be ashamed of being an insightful, complicated woman!
Posted by: Arin at April 12, 2005 01:19 AMI was pretty much the same when I got married, it was just to overwhelming. Getting married is such a big event and you where dreaming about it since you were a little girl, so the expectation where high. But I also felt like so many other things in my life, that chasing the dream is fine but once it becomes a reality I have this great sense of loss. It was as though I wanted to be sad because my dream is now over, even though the dream came true I could not dream it anymore. (If you can understand that?) And I think a wedding has so many conflicting emotions there are sad people and happy people - very confusing.....
At the end all that you need is a new dream.
I'll bet James was feeling conflicted too, though probably about different things. It's actually pretty normal to feel that way at crossroads in our lives. I wish you had been able to celebrate with more of your friends. I'm sure that would have eased the feelings. :)
Posted by: Robin at April 12, 2005 07:22 AMArin said it really well. I just e-mailed you, Hannah! :)
Posted by: Lisanne at April 12, 2005 03:02 PMI hardly remembered the day I got married. My mother had to remind me that the night before my cousin spilt red wine all over my wedding dress and I just calmly sat and watched everyone else panic *grin*.
Why don't you do something special - just you and James - like renewing your marriage vows whilst you are in the african bush at the Kruger National Park. I am sure they have a little chapel there? You will be more relaxed and it will be a very happy time for the both of you. ?
Posted by: Michelle at April 12, 2005 05:06 PM1. Father of the Bride has got to be one of my most favourite movies of all time
2. I am getting married in a foreign country ( okay, okay..i've been here a year and a half ) and my family won't be here till a few days before the wedding and then they're leaving a few days after the wedding too. And I don't have any "friends" here either and all of them can't be expected to fly to the states from wherever they are to attend my wedding. I was kidding with one of david's nieces that once all the "ushering, guestbook , decorating, transportation" assignments are handed out, there will be no more of his relatives to sit down and enjoy the wedding. And i don't have friends here to help either. It IS sad to send wedding invitations overseas and know that no one is coming, although i agree with you, i will be so thrilled to be marrying david.
Posted by: letti at April 12, 2005 05:30 PMHave you read The Conscious Bride? I know you're already married, but I have a very strong feeling you would love it and relate to it as well as I did. You would be surprised at the wide gamma of emotions many brides run through during their wedding time.
Like you, I felt so numb during my engagement/wedding time. Occasionally I would feel strong bursts of emotion, but quickly tried to suppress them. It's almost as if I was on autopilot. My best friend wasn't being supportive, and a lot of my other friends and family were just being insulting because I was marrying so young. Did you go through that too?
Email me if you want to chat more about this... I would love to!
PS. If I was there in GA, I def. would have celebrated with you, in a serious big-time style!! xoxo
Posted by: girl from florida at April 13, 2005 09:19 AMEven though I am not married and haven't been in this exact situation, reading this fills my eyes with tears because I have been in other situations and dealt with it the exact same way. I am SO good at supressing feelings and emotions. I can completley relate to moving and being excited and sad and numb all at the same time. I can't imagine the emotions you must go through during an engagement and then add on moving. I think writing about it like this is wonderful for you and I wish I was back in Auburn so we could have tea together and chat!
Posted by: Allison at April 14, 2005 11:03 AM