I am so angry right now I could scream!!! I don't usuall blog about really personal things, but if I don't, I'm going to explode!!!
I am so tired of James telling me to go back to work when I tell him how frustrated I am with my new life. I LOVE LOVE LOVE being with Olivia, but as any SAHM knows, it can be downright exhausting. She never takes a nap longer than 20 minutes, she screams if I'm not constantly interracting with her, and it's hard. But that's not why I'm mad. I'm tired of hearing James tell me what a privledge it is for me to be home-- like it's all for me instead of my daughter. In many ways, my job was easier because I had some down time during the day. Would we have gone down to one income for just me? No. Did he forget that we decided this so Olivia wouldn't get stuck in daycare? He acts like he works so hard at work and school, which he does, but so do I! I rarely ever have any free time-- less than him in fact. My job is 24 hours a day!
The truth is, I think I've been suffering some from after baby blues, but I've totally avoided the topic, I guess out of pride. This is a public blog, and I know James's family reads it to see pictures of Olivia. I guess when I started it, I never realized what an outlet it would become for me, so we shared the URL with family and friends. Oh well. I have nothing to hide. I feel like I have no identity besides being a mom and I can barely look at myself in the mirror. And with her teething pretty badly, I feel helpless and inadequate because no matter what I do, she still cries a lot. I joined a gym, which I didn't mention, because I knew I wouldn't get to go and then I'd feel stupid, which is exactly what has happened. James is so busy with grad school and work that whenever I ask him, which albeit is usually at the last minute, he's busy. And he's re-landscaping the yard, which I've wanted done for 2 years, so I'm not even going to stop him. So it's not really his fault, it just is what it is.
How can I feel so unhappy when I have a beautiful baby girl who I love to pieces? How can this be?
And why is my husband's phone turned off when I need to talk to him? We don't fight much, but we did today when he came home from lunch. I was in a bad mood. I don't feel well at all, and it's nothing that'll go away. First of all, I am anemic, at least I think I am. I had the heaviest period EVER a couple of days ago and it totally drained me. And considering I'm right back to my 23 day cycle, I felt like I was just recovering from the one that had ended a mere 2 weeks before. And I have a health condition which I've never talked about in which there is chronic infection in parts of my body, for which I've had surgery before, and it's been terrible since I gave birth. Part of me wonders if my body can't fight it because I am so tired and maybe also because I give Olivia my antibodies through my milk? Just a theory. Anyway, I am so tired all the time and I feel like, as I said once before, I am drowning.
And my husband has turned off him phone after I yelled at him at lunch. I really needed to talk to him, to hear that things are ok. I know they are, but I need to hear it.
I feel like such a bad mom for writing any of this, like I should be totally ecstatic all the time. I can't help but wonder what's wrong with me? I don't always feel like this. It seems to come and go, but right now, it's definitely here.
Posted by Hannah at August 25, 2006 01:22 PMThere's nothing wrong with you. It is totally draining to take care of your baby all day. Your mom's nearby isn't she? Leave Olivia with her and go to the gym. You'd feel so much better. Feeling you pain.
Posted by: Amy at August 25, 2006 02:35 PMThere is nothing wrong with you!! I am a SAHM to Ava, and my husband does the same thing to me sometimes. Even though my baby is a GREAT sleeper and so far has been an absolute dream (until know with the dreaded teeth coming in,) I get called out if I want to take a short nap during the day while she is sleeping. They don't understand what it's like to be the primary caregiver for someone that demands all of our time. I love my little girl to death, but there are definately days where I wish we could trade shoes. He leaves work, and he's done for the day, and I still have to take care of her, him and make dinner and do other household stuff.
I have really used my mom as an outlet during the day. Even if it's just for an hour, I can get out and either go to the gym or go to lunch with friends. It's so much sweeter when you get back to that gorgeous little girl!!
Just take heart in knowing that you are NOT alone in this. It's great to be able to read your blog, and relate to what you are going through.
Posted by: Rebecca C at August 25, 2006 02:47 PMHaving a break, even if it's short, is a HUGE difference. Does you gym have childcare? Olivia may enjoy being around other kids, too.
Also, have you tried sleeping with her during the day? Let her nurse to sleep or nurse while YOU take a 20 minute nap? That saved me many a time with Amelia. Sleep is really the best thing you can do for your health, too. We moms hear that but "forget" to take the time to do it.
I wonder "What's wrong with me?" all the time. It's always good (for me, at least) to realize that I'm not the only one who feels like life is out of control sometimes. I don't have any advice but I wanted to sympathize and say *hugs*.
Posted by: Laura at August 25, 2006 06:48 PMThere's nothing wrong with you. Not that I'm expert, but I think that all mothers go through this at some point. I hope you're able to work in some downtime. Even if it's as a result of letting some dishes pile up while you take a nap with Olivia. And I think all dads go through suggesting a return to work because they think it will solve the things. I hope things are better soon.
Posted by: shokufeh at August 25, 2006 11:26 PMOh sweetie, don't feel bad AT ALL!! These are all emotions we ALL struggle with! I totally understand the pride thing- I hesitate to write bad and negative things on my blog because sometimes I feel embarrassed. But good for you for opening up... other mommies need to hear that it's normal!! Like Jennie does, I often nurse Amelia to sleep and lay with her and nap a bit myself. My other Godsend is the swing! She naps in that all the time. Which some people say is bad, but WHATEVER- I'll take what I can get!
What about your mom? Can she watch Olivia for a bit while you go work out, nap, do yoga, or simply go for coffee with a book? It would do you wonders- and Olivia will be delighted to see you when you get home!
Love you!
Posted by: girl from florida at August 26, 2006 10:05 AMOh Hannah, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It's so normal though; I promise. Everyone should be allowed to vent their frustrations. Just b/c you got what you wanted in staying home with Olivia doesn't mean there aren't downsides, and your husband probably just doesn't see them. Since I've been back at work my husband has actually noted that he wishes I could stay home this year b/c it is so much working on both our parts keeping up with a household and a young baby. Good luck!!
Posted by: Chas at August 26, 2006 02:14 PM