I don't know what was with me today. I felt like a total nut job all day. I was super-stressed and super-emotional. My house is dirty again and I can't seem to find the time to clean it. I hate for my house to be dirty, to the point of obsession (I suppose I'm a bit compulsive about this. I know James would agree). It's not like I'm a clean freak, I just can't seem to relax until it's the way I want it. Olivia has been more high maintenance than usual, which isn't helping. She woke up every hour and a half last night. She'd cry, then she'd nurse, then she'd want to play. Half the times she woke up, she scooted over to me, and started poking at my face until I woke up. I am so freaking tired. I feel like I'm losing my mind.
Then, I yelled at James when he came home for lunch because I was so tired, and had so much to do, and he was an easy target to vent my frustrations. While he watched Olivia at lunch, I got dressed and put on my make-up, and the tears started to come. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to think of all the reasons things were good and I needed to pull it together: I was able to quit my job and stay home like I wanted, it's Christmas, I have a wonderful daughter, James's bonus paid for next semester's tuition (which we were praying for), etc, etc.
Then later at the mall, I ran into my favorite student from last year. We hugged and talked for a bit, and her mom told me that I was her favorite teacher and that I had touched many lives. She said the kids loved how happy I was to be there. This particular student has won a few writing contests, and her mom said that as her English teacher, I definitely played a part. It all felt so good, and I bit my lip to keep from crying as I walked away. I felt nostalgic and a little sad. I love being home, but I loved teaching too, and until I go back at some point, it will always be something that I miss.
Another thing that's upsetting me is about my grandma (I should mention her more because we talk every single day and I see her a few days a week. We've always been close). Anyway, she found out that she needs $8,000 worth of dental work and not only can she not really afford it, but it's going to be painful and she can't see putting out that kind of money at her age, but then again, she needs it so she can chew! My heart aches for her. She cried today and said that her body hurts (even though her health is good) and that her 2 knee replacements still ache. She has trouble walking, and now this, and she said she wants to die. I love her and I want her to be happy.
I also feel like I rarely have quality time with James. I think having a baby in our bed is seriously putting a damper on what's supposed to be happening in a married couple's bed. A quickie on the floor (and hitting your head on the nightstand) just isn't going to cut it. But I don't know what else to do. Olivia sleeps less than most adults. She just can't seem to stay asleep and she still doesn't nap, and until things are better and she's more regular, I can't see trying to put her in her crib. Besides, we tried it and it was a nightmare. She woke up constantly, screaming, and I'd finally get her to sleep just to get up shortly after again! I'd be going back and forth all night. It's easier to whip out my boob while still half asleep and nurse her until she's back out. I don't have the energy to do it any other way.
I also need to lose weight. I had a dream last night that my mom told me I was fat. Like she'd ever say that (or even think it). I am feeling badly about myself. I didn't even want to go into Victoria's Secret today with my mom because I kept imagining how fat I'd look in all the lingerie. It's just so hard to find the time to exercise right now, especially this time of year, but I've got to.
Ok, the pity party's over. Who'd like to bet my period will arrive in the next few days? This rant has PMS written all over it.
A mom that I knew from our first 'Moms n Babes' group, told me she had the same problem. I must admist, I find the idea of co-sleeping troublesome. I mean I don't mind if other people do it - and hell we put the bubby in with us if he's having a restless night anyway - so it's not that, it's just that once the kid reaches a certain age (this mother told me) that she found it was THEM keeping him awake in her case. She said that she never realised it was their body movements (just simply turning over) and breathing/snoring in her husbands case that was waking their little boy up. She didn't want to put him in his own room yet, because their master suite was upstairs, and his bedroom downstairs (nightmare!) so she just put his camp cot (you call it a pack n play) just outside their bedroom door in a sort of sitting room area that they had before you reach the stairs sort of thing. It seems to work for them, because she said that he started to sleep longer and longer. I hear what you say about it being easier to give her your boob and fall asleep where you are. I know all about doing things easier. But for us, honestly it's easier if the bubby has a rough night for him to come to us to calm down, then as soon as he's sleepy again, off he goes to his bed to relax - and he ends up sleeping much longer than if he wer still with us. On the rare occasion that the bubby wwakes up now and asks for a bottle (a sort of eh ehe eh cry) we now simply hand him the bottle lie him down, then ten minutes later one of us goes back to his bed and takes the bottle from him (he's started to hand it to us - too cute) then we give him the dummy - and he literally rolls over right before our eyes (onto his side) and goes back to sleep. I know that you love breastfeeding, and I would never knock it. But I'm not sure if it's because my husband wants to help - or because we bottle fed from the start that he's always been more involved. I look at his sister - she breastfed exclusively for six months - and her hubby was always accused of being unhelpful - but it turns out that he was so afraid of doing something wrong - because he'd hardly been allowed to help in the first place. Or at least felt like it wasn't his place as the man to do the comforting etc because he didn't have boobs! He felt like because he didnt have any - he was useless. I've heard this from other guys whose wives have been in the same situation. Do you express and bottle feed at all? That would be a great way for James to help out more. What if you put her in the p n p and when she wakes up get James to give her the bottle. Yes he works, yes he's studying, but YOU DO need a BREAK! Especially at night time. One night of getting up won't kill him!
Posted by: Valkyrie at December 20, 2006 03:53 AMWe all have these days (heck, weeks sometimes) when we feel like everything is just piling upon us. The co-sleeping makes me feel the same way. I want my bed back too!! I honestly think Lila sleeps better when she's not with me...it's the getting her to go to sleep part that is impossible if she's not there with me. I really couldn't get Lila to nap either until I started taking her to her babysitter's house. She helped me figure out what had to be done to get her to sleep a couple of times a day; before that she was just like Olivia too.
Try not to long for your old job. You've got a good thing going right now. Plus, you'll teach again and you'll have many more "favorite students" when you return, whether it's when Olivia starts school or even later.
I hope it is all just PMS for you.
Posted by: Chas at December 20, 2006 07:23 AMI'm sorry you're feeling so out of whack. It WILL get better, you've just got to believe that & have faith. I wanted to ask something about Olivia. Have you ever tried putting her to sleep on her tummy? I know, I know~it goes against the better judgement of doctors these days. When Kendall was a newborn, for the 1st 3 weeks, we couldn't get him to sleephardly at all. Then I remembered that Justin slept on his tummy & was an excellent sleeper. So, we tried it w/Kendall after about a month because nothing else was working & sure enough, he began sleeping. We even began putting him in his crib in his room then & he's been there ever since & sleeps wonderfully (w/an occasional bad day). Just something to consider. You have to do what's right for you & your family & just go with it. Good luck~I'll be praying for you guys that this all works out :) (((HUGS)))
Posted by: Connie at December 20, 2006 07:43 AMI totally can relate to everything you wrote here! I could have put my 6mo daughters name in place of Olivias and my husbands name also! I have had several of what I call "mental beakdowns" since making the decision to be a stay at home Mom! I think that I have them to remind me of how truly blessed I am to be at home with Lani! My husband takes the grunt of many of these and he just takes it all in! Just as he should :) I hope that you are feeling better! I really enjoy reading your blog!!
Posted by: Wendy at December 20, 2006 09:00 AMOops! I meant *breakdowns*
Posted by: Wendy at December 20, 2006 09:01 AMPMS??? I'm like this more days than not! Lol *hugs*
Posted by: Laura at December 20, 2006 01:11 PMAwww, Hannah! I'm so sorry you are feeling that way. You are an amazing (and GORGEOUS) mommy!!! I definitely know how it feels to have those days. I pray that it will pass quickly!
I'm guessing the whole sleep thing has a lot to do with it. When I'm not getting enough sleep (like about now) I have way less patience for everything. I definitely can't give any advice because Samuel isn't the greatest sleeper, but for Judah "Babywise" worked really well. I'm not sure how you feel about crying it out (I know as a mom it's the worst thing ever), but some people have suggested to me to try a modified cio. Let her cry for 2 minutes, then go in and comfort her. Let her cry for 4, then comfort her. Then 6, leaving it at 6 until she falls asleep. Everyone has said it takes about 3 nights for them to learn how to comfort themselves and sleep through the night. You have to do the comfort thing all night long though, so those 3 days/nights are LONG. I have let Samuel cry it out once and he slept all night that night. But, if I'm going to actually do it dh says I need to be CONSISTENT. At least something to consider...
With that said, I hope that you are feeling much better soon!!
Posted by: Morgan at December 20, 2006 05:24 PMI, too, thought I would never ever suggest CIO. But, it does work, and once they are old enough I think it's a great method. We never really had to do it, but once, but I've read up on it. And believe me YOU WILL SO BE GLAD YOU DID once the crying part is over. Basically, all you are teaching her to do is sleep on her own, as she should.
Do it when she's ready, do it when YOU ARE ready. I've been there, not too long ago, as my lttie girl is now 2....my first post here I think. Hope you don't think I'm preaching! :)
Posted by: Dana at December 20, 2006 09:01 PMI can totally understand the fact that getting little sleep makes you feel emotional. I don't know if I got more than 30 minutes uninterrupted sleep. Don't think so. I always say - have a cup of coffee (or tea in your case), put on some lipstick and you'll feel better already. HUGS.
Posted by: Melany aka Supermom at December 21, 2006 09:52 AMI think you've outlined more than enough good reasons for feeling like you're on your last nerve. So would anyone who's trying to juggle as much as you are. Be good to yourself -- you're so worth it.
Posted by: Leslie at December 21, 2006 06:52 PM