As much I am ashamed to admit it, before I had Olivia, I was more likely to give to an animal charity than one that helps children. I had a bigger heart for animals because I had no children and only dogs. When Hurricane Katrina devestated New Orleans, I wept more over lost pets and homeless animals than I probably did for the children. I shutter to think about it. It's not that animals aren't important-- of course they are worth weeping over, but in the scheme of things, people certainly matter more. I suppose I couldn't relate to the heartache of losing a child, but I knew how I'd feel if something were to happen to my precious dogs. Now, there's no question. I still care about dogs, but if a child is in trouble, I can't stand it. I think all moms are like this, because we wonder, "what if...?"
I am forever shocked my the choices that some parents make. We are all different, and I realize we all parent differently, which is wonderful when those differences come from this core belief: that we are doing what we think is best. I am always pleased to learn something from a friend who parents differently from me. My ways are not always right. I felt I needed to say that, because there's always some condescending commenter who feels the need to criticize and what I'm going to say might provide an opportunity. Like last time, when I wrote about how dirty some kids in my moms' group are, someone felt the need to say "but God loves them". Yes, he does, but that's not exactly the point I was making. Did that need to be said? I know God loves them, and thank goodness He does because it doesn't seem as if their parents are trying all that hard.
I posted several weeks back about the new friend I made while walking and how comfortable I felt with her. I'll admit, I'm not as drawn to her now that I know her, and the way she treats her child is just awful. He's not even 1 and she tells him to "shut up" in a mean voice, and when he wants to be picked up, she yells, "get off of me!" She doesn't feed him enough, and I've tried to help without completely sticking my nose in, but I also don't want to stand by and do nothing. I don't think it's bad enough to report, but it's still quite shocking. She's had a bad life, and at first, I made excuses for her, saying that she just didn't know better and that it was sad. But I think any parent with an ounce of sense knows to feed their child more than every 6-8 hours. Come on! He's not skinny or anything, which surprises me, but she admits she's not good about feeding him! She has money to smoke, but not for formula. And she won't join WIC because she doesn't want to rely on the govt, which I respect, but I think most (and hopefully all) taxpayers wouldn't mind supplying her helpless baby with milk. She's fine with mooching off me and a few other friends. There are several people who have been really kind about helping her. I just don't understand what's wrong with people!!!!
Just this last week, a mother was arrested in my town for leaving two young children unattended in a poop-infested trailer. The kids were filthy. Everytime I hear stories like this, I think about friends who desperately want children who would make wonderful parents. I had a co-worker friend who just adopted a beautiful baby girl. She used to look at some of our students and comment how unfair it was that their parents didn't take care of them. She wanted kids badly and would've done a wonderful job. I'm so glad she has that chance now.
Then there's the current story about the missing little girl. Quite frankly, I'm not sure why parents would leave three toddlers unattended in a hotel room in a foreign country to go out to dinner with friends. We all make mistakes, but that's just crazy. I am so worried the child won't be found alive. The reward is so big that if she were, surely someone would've returned her to claim it. I can't imagine how those parents must feel with their child missing.
I know we all make mistakes as parents. I'm definitely still learning! There are things I do that I want to kick myself for: thinking Olivia couldn't roll far enough to go off the bed, cutting her finger when clipping her nails, getting soap in her eyes. And I know I'll make far worse mistakes. These things happen. But it's the gross cases of neglect that have me wondering, what goes through these parents' minds? And don't tell me they don't know any better. No one thinks it's ok to let kids play in poop. How can parents look into the eyes of their children and not want to do everything possible to make them happy?
So I think I've covered all the bases. I'm not perfect. I screw up. We all are different. Different is good. Neglect is bad. I'm not trying to judge. I'm just expressing heartache over these situations.
Posted by Hannah at May 20, 2007 01:56 PMI was the commenter who said "God loves them" and I said it not to be ugly but to remind you. Your post that day sounded condenscending to me. But, that is the problem with e-mail and blogs, It's very hard to write/express WHAT exactly we're trying to say. KWIM?
Anyhoo, none of us perfect. We're ALL still learning and hopefully we can all learn from these horrible cases of neglect.
Having said that, I have a friend who I am VERY comfortable around but she personally drives me crazy the decisions she makes with her children. I struggle with it daily. No advice, just I'm there with ya! :)
Posted by: Dana at May 20, 2007 05:44 PMYou're right, it is hard to understand tone through someone's writing. I didn't mean to sound condescending that day. It is important to remember God loves them, I just took it the wrong way (I took it to be condescending, and you took my entry to be the same way). I just get so mad when someone treats a child badly. Thanks for your clarification. Didn't mean to offend (if I did). When I feel like punching these neglectful parents, it is important to remember God's love, so thank you. :-)
Posted by: Hannah at May 20, 2007 06:07 PMThere is a huge difference between making mistakes (and, like you said, well do that!) and being abusive and cruel. Yelling "shut up" to your baby, leaving them in a hotel room or trailer, that is horrible and it completely breaks my heart!
Posted by: Morgan at May 20, 2007 06:32 PMI hate to read about parents behaving so badly. Parents can choose to become parents but children, once born, have no other choice but to live with the adults they have to call parents, good or bad!
Posted by: Grace at May 21, 2007 02:05 AMThis is a tricky one because you can't just ignore it when a child is involved, but it is not enough to call CPS! I think that you need to talk to her! If she is willing to do those things in front of you, I can only imagine what she does behind closed doors! You are required by law to report abuse and starving your child certianly is abuse!
Posted by: Lori at May 21, 2007 01:26 PMI don't know if you read my private blog a week or two ago, but if you did I'm sure you understand why seeing bad parents is so hard for me to witness. We recently had a local tragedy involving a child and it just tears me up inside.
About your friend, I really do feel like she needs some help. I don't know what I'd do if I were in your situation. It makes me sick that she only feeds her baby every 6-8 hours, but it makes me even more sick that she is so harsh with him. My father was treated that way, like he wasn't wanted, and it effects him to this day. He can remember his mother yelling at him when all he wanted was a hug, and I must say that it was worse than any physical abuse could have been. A child that feels like his mother didn't want or love him is going to have some major issues as an adult. Anyway, I'm rambling, but I really do think you should probably do something. I don't know if this has gotten to the level that Child and Family Services would check up on her, but they might if they don't want it to get to the point where they are requird to check up on her regularly. Ugg...the whole situation makes me nauceous.
Posted by: Chas at May 21, 2007 05:26 PMThis is a sticky situation. I think the best thing you can do is be her friend, and set an example of a patient and loving mother who feeds her child well. I don't remember how old her baby is, but if he's old enough to eat solids, maybe take along enough snack for him and Olivia. I don't know that addressing the situation directly will do anything other than alienate her, and then you lose your opportunity to make a positive impact.
BTW, I finally responded to your email about the muffin recipe, but I sent it from my gmail account, so I'm hoping it didn't end up in your junk mail. It will be easily apparent that it's from me.
ok my in-laws are foster parents... and what this lady is doing is abuse plain and simple... call CPS now... because it will only get worse... you can do it totally anon... they won't take the kid away but force her to get help which she needs... like WIC, and other food programs and I am sure she will have to take parenting classes and anger management classes... but I have seen so many children scared for life because of things like this... it starts off as something minor and then just changes...
Posted by: Shannon O. at May 22, 2007 02:25 PMAbout the missing girl - I agree that the parents shouldn't have gone off the way they did, but in their defence (I'm watching every sky news broadcast I can lay my hands on), they were in a 'resort' as such - and the restaurant was within the same resort, less than 100yards from the room where the kids were sleeping. They checked on them repeatedly (once an hour I've read), and discovered that she was missing shortly after 9pm. It's in an area of Portugal renowned for it's safety. No one locks their doors or anything. They were probably reassured by resort staff that the kids would be fine. Having defended them wholeheartedly now, I have to admit, that I would never do that. No matter how much anyone reassures me, or where in the world I am, I just couldn't do that. Both parents are doctors (dad is actually a cardiologist!) so they're not dumb - just took a chance and sadly this has to happen to them. I'm also afraid that she won't be found alive - with a reward that big - they'd be terrified of being found out by someone and sadly the easiest way out would be to 'solve their problem' I just PRAY PRAY PRAY that common sense prevails on some level, mercy on another and that they let her go. Even if they leave her outside a store or something and just leave - her face is so well known now, that I'm sure someone good and kind would take her to the authorities. I know that kids go missing on a daily basis, and kids here in SA are murdered on daily basis, but for some reason this case has really gripped my heart and I find myself praying for her all the time to return. It would make mothers around the world all feel better.
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