Teatopia

Blah

I've been feeling really down about myself lately. It's a combination of things, really. First, I tried on dozens of pants the other day, none of which seemed to fit or look good even though I chose the next size up from what I wore pre-pregnancy, AND, even though I've lost all the weight, I came home empty handed (except for a few shirts and a skirt). I badly need a tummy tuck. That's what it all comes down to. I hate these low-rise pants that are EVERYWHERE because they don't fit me well. I end up having a muffin top of loose skin, and then I just want to cry. I dread trying on clothes because I know I'll feel depressed, so I end up wearing the same things over and over again, which makes me feel worse. I just can't win! I want to feel sexy again. I hate seeing myself naked in the mirror. The other night, I looked longingly at my lingerie collection and tried to remember the last time I'd worn something from that section of the closet. I honestly couldn't remember. I used to buy lingerie for every occasion, sometimes just for fun, and now, I'd die before I put on something so skimpy to try to look sexy. I just want to feel sexy again. I loved what I wore last night to the wedding. It was a black and blue wrap around dress, but when I came out of the bathroom, James commented that it looked like a maternity dress because it tied just under the bust. I had worried about the same thing. I know he meant nothing by it. He even told me how hot I looked many times, but that comment killed it. Men can be so clueless. So the rest of the night, I was so conscious of looking pregnant. I tried to suck in my tummy whenever I remembered, just in case, but I'm sure after a few trips through the buffet line, I was looking quite pregnant! But it was oh so worth it! What yummy food. I meant to take pictures, but I forgot my camera. We almost didn't make it to the wedding we were running so late.

Then today, we packed away the pack 'n play, which was long overdue. We still used the changing table, but hadn't put her inside it in ages. I also packed away all the burp cloths that were folded neatly in a basket on Olivia's dresser. I looked at all of them, with their embroidery, and thought about how I'll never use them again. Maybe some of them we will, if we have another girl that is, but not the ones with her name. And it made me feel sad. It's all passing so quickly.

This trip also has me stressed. We leave at 4:00 am Tuesday morning, and I know it's going to be tough on Olivia, and on us too. We had to fly at odd hours to get this good deal, so it's worth it. Otherwise, we wouldn't have been able to afford it, but I'm worried she's going to scream on the plane. Also, it takes a lot of work to prepare to travel with a baby, and I've been doing most of it. James has been busy with work and classes, so it's been left up to me. I booked the tickets, the rental car, went out and bought extra infant medications, more Q-tips-- stuff that James wouldn't think of. I've been making lists, picking out outfits for Olivia, deciding what clothes will be easy to nurse in on the plane. I've just been so tired lately, so the details are bothering me.

Then there's the extended nursing I blogged about a few posts back. Olivia anounced at the wedding reception that she wanted "boof!" (mommy's boobies) and my dad said it might be time to wean. I didn't think much of it, but then later last night, Olivia bit me, and I yelled "ouch!" which made her cry, and James said he thought maybe she was getting too old. It just made me feel sad because I felt like I no longer had the main person who's been in my corner about this. We talked about it, and he explained that he thinks it's good that I am, but that it would also be fine if I stopped, especially if she's biting. I told him I wasn't ready to stop, because she wasn't, and he said he thinks I should continue then. It just got me worrying all over again that the person I hoped would be on my side on this trip now might not be, and I don't want people to pressure me. I'm not good about telling people to back off!

Finances have also been an issue lately after a few home repairs, so I decided I need a break from all the stress. Me and my visa when to the salon where I treated myself to a spa pedicure, while I sat and sipped a Chai frap from St@rbucks and flipped through a M@rtha Stewart Living magazine. Paradise. So worth it. Now I have pretty feet!

I'm trying to look at this trip as a break, but it never really is when you bring a baby, is it? Also, my mom sees Olivia every day, and she's going to be sad without her for 8 days. I feel sad that my mom is sad. Ah, too much sadness. I need to perk up.

On a good note, the wedding was lovely. They are family friends, probably around 60. They both lost their spouses in the last few years, and they just praised God over and over again for bringing them together. He talked about how much he loved her and what a fine woman she was. It was just beautiful.

Tonight, my grandma and I made dinner for my family to help out my parents since they moved this weekend. My parents live next to a horse farm, so we walked Olivia down to see the horses. Her mouth dropped she was so amazed, and then she pointed and yelled, "hos!" There are horses in her books, but she hasn't seen too many real ones, but she said it over and over again, so she definitely knew what they were. When my dad asked her what she saw on the walk, she said, "hos!" So cute!

Tomorrow I have stroller exercise, errands, and lots of packing. We're going to watch the season finale of "The Tudors" which means no more hottie Henry for a while, but I've got my hottie hubby, so I'll be ok. :)

Posted by Hannah at June 3, 2007 09:54 PM