I'm not very good when it comes to confrontation. I consider myself opinionated because I have opinions on everything-- some stronger than others-- but I'm not an "in your face" kind of person who is quick to say what they think. I'm definitely hesitant to say something if I think it'll make someone uncomfortable or cause some sort of controversey. I can't help it. I wish I didn't care what people think so much, but I do. That's who I am.
So... you can imagine how uncomfortable I'm feeling about leaving my mom's group and trying to think of how to explain it to the leader, who I once considered a friend (we'll call her Karen). It's not that we had a falling out, or that I no longer consider her one, it's just that I realized that I'm not drawn to her and I don't want to be in her group. She's one of those "in your face" and "I say what I think" type of people, and I know it won't be as simple as me just leaving. She'll call, e-mail, and hound me unless we discuss it and I give her an explanation, particulary since I've been so active and was on the support committee and also an event host.
I want to leave the group because I found another I like more, but it's not that simple. A few of the moms who were in Karen's group left and started their own, along with a few moms who weren't in the other group. This new group is a Christian based group, which is great, but besides that, I see there being less drama and I just like these moms better. The ones who left Karen's group really didn't worry about leaving because they weren't friends with her, but she's been really nasty about them leaving, talking about them and saying nasty things. Very immature. The thing is, even though they didn't have to, they were really kind and respectful about leaving Karen's group. They told her that they wanted something Christian, etc and gave her NO room to get pissy, but she was anyway. It's ridiculous. You'd think she had a copyright on mom's groups or something.
The main reasons why I want to leave are:
-- Karen's moms group is obsessed with sex parties. Apparently, besides selling make-up and tupperware, you can sell sex toys, and suddenly half the moms are representatives. You can imagne all the parties they are having selling stuff. I have nothing against sex toys. I have a problem with this: Strangely enough, it was offensive to many for several of us moms to meet for a bible study, but sex toy parties are all the rage. I'm also sick of reading about people's sex lives on the message board. There are around 200 members, and I think it's immature to write about your sex life for that many people to read.
-- There are WAY too many people. Having 200 people in one group makes it hard to get to know anyone, and the Christian group already has people in it that I know well and really like.
-- Some of the moms are trashy in Karen's group. That may not sound nice, but it's true. There is a lot of drama because people don't have the social skills or tact to keep their mouths shut. I've heard moms cuss in front of their kids (and other people's kids) plenty of times. You just don't do that. A lot of them are big drinkers too. They all want to go out to bars together. I say grow up. You can have a much nicer evening (in my opinion) having a nice dinner together and just venting and relaxing.
-- I think the major kicker here is Karen's reaction to the new group being started. No one stepped on her toes. The moms who started the new group were so respectful and even made a point of telling the moms who joined their group that they were welcome to stay in Karen's group too (and some have). They were tactful and mature about it, Karen wasn't.
-- Karen and her "assistant organizer" seem to get some power trip by having this group. I initiated starting an adult's only book club (I now am hosting one for the new group) and somehow, Karen stole the reigns from me, brought her daughter who completely trashed Olivia's nursery, and now has dominated it. I haven't had anything to do with it since the first meeting, and I started it. My friend started a Bunco group because the current one in the group was full, and somehow all of Karen's friends managed to be in the new Bunco group AS WELL AS the old one. Karen completely took it over. I don't want an organizer like that.
So, now all I have to do is get up my nerve and tell Karen I want out. I just don't want to give her a reason to talk trash about me. I am entitled to be in whatever group I want, and I know I shouldn't care what she thinks. I just don't want to burn any bridges with a few friends still in Karen's group because I know she'll probably be pissed when I leave.
There's also a part of me that will miss being in such a major group in town. No more discounts at local shops, and no more being in the newspaper (Olivia and I have been in a few local publications). But I think it will be worth it. I can give up the perks to be in a better group of women. I just wish I had some balls so I could tell her what I really think of her group. :-) How honest should I be?
Posted by Hannah at November 12, 2007 04:21 PMThat's so unfortunate that someone made something so good and is so petty about it. It's amazing how many people never grow up.
Personally, I would address it simply, politely and honestly, but not too directly ... unless pressed. If pressed, I'd probably (still politely) explain in-depth some more of my opinion ... and if really pressed, I might get shitty. I tend to get shitty when I'm pressed too hard.
Posted by: jesser at November 12, 2007 07:27 PMI would try and simply tell her why you are leaving if she questions you about it. Hopefully she won't be too immature about it. I am similar to you, I am not great at confrontation. I personally would rather avoid uncomfotable situations altogether.
I tried to post earlier, I love the baby pics, it seems so much more real once you "see" the baby :)
Posted by: emmakirsten at November 12, 2007 08:45 PMIt is weird that with a group SOOO big, she would get upset when someone leaves! Also, it seems like she makes a commission or something off people in her group, considering how pissy she gets when someone leaves. Anyway, you could tell her that the large group is overwhelming you and Olivia. Say that you are looking for something smaller, so Oliva isn't so overwhelmed and can play better with children one on one. Say something like she is coming home overstimulated and has a hard time settling down.
I am bad with confrontation too. I don't like to lie, but sometimes white lies can be more tactful.
Posted by: Jamie at November 12, 2007 11:39 PMI just had a similar experience except that I was wanting to take the Bubby out of his playgroup (which he attends without me - 3 mornings a week). I chose to be honest and tell the woman why I was taking him out, and she freaked completely showing me a)that clearly I made the right decision and b) that she was such a stupid freak to react that way, and in future I'm not going to waste my time being honest with nasty people like that, because they're not worth the effort. Now I look back and think it would have just been easier to say 'bye' and not give a reason, just give notice, take him out and be done with it. A lot less stress all around.
Posted by: Valkyrie at November 13, 2007 05:33 AMThis all sounds very bizarre to me. I can't even fathom a moms' group of 200. Maybe it seems -too- avoiding of confrontation, but is it necessary to -announce- that you're no longer part of the group? Why not just stop going? It doesn't sound like she would respond well to any of your reasons for leaving the group.
Posted by: Shokufeh at November 13, 2007 11:30 AMI should've added that our group is through meetup.com, so I have to formally leave and fill out something why. :-(
Posted by: Hannah at November 13, 2007 01:59 PMThat's a tough one. I am a fairly straightforward person, but at the same time I don't like to seem too dominant, and I refuse to hurt people's feelings. I would probably say something along the lines of that you felt lost in the group, that you wanted something a smaller with a Christian focus. If she chooses to badmouth you about that then there's nothing you can do. She sounds like the type that will do it either. way.
Posted by: Chas at November 13, 2007 02:59 PMgood for you for leaving. i don't have kids yet, so i can't imagine that moms' groups are like that. i think you should be honest with karen if she starts asking questions, because it sounds like no one else has been truthful with her (or else they have and she doesn't care to make any changes). if she bad mouths you, you could always go back and confront her again, but with someone else with you (there's that verse in Matthew 18 that talks about this).
Posted by: jamie at November 14, 2007 11:45 AMTell her the truth just knowing she is going to trash you and move on... and I don't blame you for moving on... you could add that since you are pregnant with a 2nd one you are trying to slow down some for in the future when it might be to hard to go and do something with 2 little ones... Good luck!
Posted by: Shannon O. at November 14, 2007 12:59 PM