Teatopia

Last year . . .

This morning, when I woke up, I had a powerful realization (yep, another one if you read my last entry and I'm sorry my comments didn't work for the last couple of days). Today is the "back to school" kick-off program and not only am I not there, but this was the very day last year when I found out I was pregnant. I took a test right before the kick-off, got a very faint positive, obsessively continued to look at it in my purse throughout the program, and used my lunch break to get a blood test at the OBGYN's office to confirm.

Now, I am home, snuggling with the gorgeous baby I discovered in my womb on this day just one year ago. Amazing.

It feels strange not preparing to go "back to school". In fact, I've never not prepapred to go-- first there was grade school, then college, and then I was a teacher. I keep seeing the "back to school" commercials and hearing my co-workers and mom talk about going back, but this year, for the first time, I'm not going anywhere and it feels pretty darn good (and a bit sad too).

I will post about my weekend later. Lots of food pics (I cooked!) and other stuff too.

A Mother's Love

Olivia and I have a new routine. She plays in her vibrating giraffe seat while I shower. Then, I put her in her bathtub in our bathroom while I get ready. That way, I can supervise, she has time to splash and kick, and I can actually comb my hair out before it dries, leaving me to look like a scarecrow.

Last night, I put Olivia in her tub and she played for a few minutes, smiling back at me whenever I smiled at her. She has one of those wide, Cameron Diaz smiles and I just love it! Anyway, after a few minutes of playing, she stopped and began crying, only it took her a good minute to actually make any noise. Her little face contorted into this heart-wrenching, horrible, red color and she couldn't even catch her breath. When she finally let out the cry, it was the loudest cry I had ever heard. I immediately looked for a bee or something to have stung her. It sounded like someone was cutting her leg off. I grabbed her and began inspecting every inch of her. She calmed some when I held her, but she was still very distraught. I walked with her for a while, whispering words of comfort, stroking her fuzzy head, anything to comfort her. When she had calmed some, I nursed her, but it was interrupted by bouts of crying. Then, she began contorting her precious face again. She was crying so hard it seemed as if minutes went by when there was no sound as she tried to catch her breath. When she finally did, the cries that came out were piercing. I began wailing too, out of frustration and desperation. What was hurting my baby? gas? a stuck burp? a bug bite? could she just be really, really tired? I prayed to God to make it stop, whatever it was. I couldn't stand to hear my child cry like that.

And there it was-- that realization again. I had opened myself up to the greatest joy and pain there is: a Mother's Love. A love closer to God's love than any others. It would never go away. It would get stronger. and stronger. and stronger. As I rocked my baby, wiping away her huge tears, and kissing her little head, I thought of all the pain having this child would bring me: if she gets teased, chosen last, dumped, left out, when she leaves us someday. I cried harder as I made a mental list. There would also be joy, lots of it, but it was the pain that I really thought about-- the really hard part of being a mommy. Holding my daughter while she sobbed? Just the beginning . . .

Finally, she calmed down enough to nurse. Nursing is the magic solution to most situations. After she ate, we fell asleep together in our bed. When James came hom at 2:30 (yes, 2:30. He was working on a huge project with a deadline today), he lifted Olivia into her bed. Even across the room though, I missed her terribly. I barely slept last night because every noise she made in her sleep made me think she might scream again.

Whatever it was, she's fine now. But, this whole thing made me realize that motherhood had opened me up. I am vulnerable now in a way I never was before. In many ways it's beautiful, but also dumbfounding. I didn't know I could love a human being this much (I of course love James in a very different way). I just pray Olivia goes easy on me. I hope she always loves me and isn't too embarrased of me in front of her friends. I hope it's ok if I help out at her school. I hope she'll want her boyfriends to meet her mom. I always did. I hope she'll talk to me about what goes in her teenage head. If not, I fear I won't be able to take it. I know every parent experiences some pain, so I'd better toughen up.

Baby feeding questions

I have a question directed mainly towards moms, but certainly anyone else's opinion is helpful, too!

I am wondering: how long did you or are you planning to nurse your baby? When will you introduce other foods? (this can apply certainly to bottle feeding moms too).

I used to think nursing a baby past 6 months or so seemed unusual, but that was before I knew anything about the benefits of breastmilk. After reading extensively about it, and after talking to Olivia's pediatrician, I am now planning on nursing at least a year, but I'm not sure whether or not I should go beyond that. I just might!

I know that babies can't have regular milk until they are a year, so it makes sense to nurse until then (at least for me since I am home and it's easy). I'd hate to pay for formula when I can get milk for free. But I know many people do not feel comfortable nursing that long because they think it's "weird". What do you think?

I have a friend who is already feeding her baby cereal at 4 months. Olivia is thriving on just my milk, so I am thinking of not introducing anything new until around 6 months. She is a good size without it. I was actually reading that there isn't necessarily even a reason to automatically begin other foods at 6 months if the baby is still gaining good amounts of weight, and Olivia certainly is!

I know some of this is guided by the pediatrician, but also, a lot of it it up to the mother since we know our babies best.

What do you think is a good duration for nursing? When did you/would you begin other foods? Would you let the calendar be your guide or would you base your feeding decisions on your baby?

I need some income but I want to stay home . . .

James and I have been trying to think of a way for me to make a little money without really having to go back to work (you're totally laughing at me now, right?) I mean, who wouldn't want an income and not have to work? But seriously, I don't mind spending some time on something when Olivia is napping or playing. I don't have a lot of time really. James isn't pushing anything, but I want to contribute, so here are the things I am considering, along with my thoughts on them:

-- working part time for dad doing accounting
(I have been doing this and will continue to occasionally, but it takes more time than I have)

-- childcare
(I have been asked to watch a little Korean boy (too cute!!) 4 days a week. James doesn't want me to because he thinks it'll take time away from Olivia since it's constant)

-- selling something like Mary Kay, Pampered Chef, etc.
(Who am I kidding? I couldn't sell a car for $5! This soooo isn't for me)

-- prostitute
(I think I've gained too much weight though) :-)

-- write a book
(I have some ideas and I was an English major, but I don't think I'm that good. I could look for a freelance job, but they are hard to come by)

-- day trader
(ok, before you fall out of your chair laughing, this is the most likely one. We want to set aside some money each month and let me play around with it. I think I could do this, even if I don't do so well the first few months)

I will definitely be staying home with Olivia, but it'd be nice to find something that gives me a bit of money each month, but still allows me a lot of time with my daughter. What do you think of these ideas? (excluding the prostitution one of course!) LOL!

Weird, Weird, Weird

Today has been weird.

Last night, I had a dream that I got my period. Then, in the dream, it turned out that I had been dreaming the whole thing (you know, a dream within a dream?) Then, I dreamed it again and that time, in the dream, I thought maybe it was a dream again, but in that dream, it wasn't. When I actually woke up for real, I was so relieved that all of it had been a dream. Two hours later, I got my period for real. Freaky. I don't think I had any indication it was coming (like cramps in my sleep or anything) to have prompted the dream, so I wonder if it was a mind over matter thing and I made myself start?!? My lactation consulant said there is something called breakthrough bleeding that you can get while nursing, but it isn't really your period and you can go period-free for a while after that. When I went to buy tampons today I was so depressed.

And while at the store, some guy tried to pick me up, using my child as a prompt.

Him: What a gorgeous child you have!

Me: (all smiles of course. How many 20-something guys care about babies?) Thanks!

Him: She's just so sweet and pretty.

Me: Thank you so much! This is my first trip shopping with her alone, so we'd better go before she gets fussy.

Him: So who usually helps you with the baby? Does your mom usually go shopping with you? (aka "are you married?")

Me: (stupid and clueless as to what he's really asking) yes, usually, but not today. Nice meeting you. Thanks again!

Him: So what's her name?

Me: Olivia Beth

Him: That's the prettiest name I've heard! You have such great taste. What a great name. It's not very common, is it? I just love it! (and on and on and on)

Me: Nice meeting you. Gotta go.

And with that, I walked off. And when I saw him coming towards me later, we switched aisles fast.

You can tell how long it's been since someone tried to pick me up (I'm assuming that's what it was leading to). I should've said "yes, I'm married. Bye!" but I am so clueless! Maybe he was just being nice, but I didn't get that feeling. You can usually tell.

Nasty short man, Anthony Bourdain update, and other stuff

Yesterday was a nice day! I had lunch at Rebecca's and got to see B and my friend Lisa. There was lots of yummy seafood, and even though I'm not big on seafood, I actually enjoyed it for the most part. (Sorry R, that's the most you'll get out of me! LOL!) Anyway, it was nice to spend some time with friends.

Yesterday evening, my friend Nichole called to tell me she was getting divorced, so we met briefly for coffee (something awful happened there, but I'll get into that in a minute). I feel awful about it. She's 27 and has only been married for 3 years. I felt so blessed at that moment to have a good marriage and a beautiful baby girl. It sounds like Nichole will be better off though.

Ok, so some a$$hole kept making rude comments about Olivia. It started when I was pushing the stroller, and I ran over the strap of a lady's backpack because it was in the middle of the aisle between the tables. We both apologized and it was NO BIG DEAL. However, short, insecure jerk decides to make some rude comment like "look at what that girl just did. She shouldn't even have that thing" or something like that. Nichole gave him a dirty look and I decided to ignore him. However, he continued talking about her. Olivia was very quiet (I will not stay somewhere if she fusses out of respect), but a couple of times she made one little giggle, and he'd say something rude. The ironic thing was he was a heck of a lot louder than Olivia. I mean, we could hear every word he said tables away. Finally, after I'd had enough, and he stood up to get something, I said loudly to my friend, "No wonder is so insecure and rude. The poor guy is tiny!" Honestly, I wanted to give him the finger and ask him what his f'in problem was, but I knew that wasn't the right thing to do. I feel bad about what I said, but come on! What kind of stranger makes comments like that? It started because I hit that lady's strap (and it wasn't even like he was with her). Oh well. He has to live his life being short and feeling badly and I have a beautiful child. So there.

edited to add: I have nothing against short people. My mom is short. I'm not tall myself. However, this man had a MAJOR case of little man syndrome. He even walked with his arms out the way body-builders do. Total loser.

For those of you who e-mailed me about Anthony Bourdain, to further explain, I'm in an online book club with him. He's leading it about his latest book. I found out yesterday that he's in Lanarca, Cyprus, waiting to get home to NYC. Thank goodness!

Tonight, we are getting together with some couples from church for dinner (we all have babies!). Should be fun!

Crisis in the Middle East and other thoughts

I have been glued to the TV over this whole situation in the Middle East. Sounds like even more proof that the end of the world is coming if you ask me. I'm not a religious fanatic by any means, but I can't help but think that all this mess with Israel is a sign of things to come perhaps. Part of what fuels this thinking is the fact that I have my little one to consider, who's just starting out in this scary world. I'd give my life to protect her, as I'm sure any mom would, but you can't protect your kids from everything. I feel so powerless.

Something I don't understand is this: many people are upset about our presence and the continued fighting in Iraq. They want us out. Much of the world thinks we should mind our own business. Then, only a week or so into this mess, some of the same people want to know why we aren't intervening? Just watch CNN. Well hells bells (as my grandma says!), how is this any different? If we intervene, we're sticking our nose in again. Personally, I'm proud of our country. We are so willing so help people, but I have mixed feelings on this one. I'm just not very politically savvy, so I can't really say . . .

Say prayers for chef Anthony Bourdain. I am currently in a bookclub with him, and he's been stuck in Beirut since the 10th. :-(

Questions on Storing Breastmilk

Because my chest is so tender, it's been hard to nurse Olivia. I tried once this morning, and she whacked me in the chest, so we've gone back to pumping and bottle feeding for a few days. It's amazing how much I miss nursing her. It breaks my heart when she turns her head from the bottle and opens her little mouth over my shirt. :-( Anyway, this brings me to a weird problem: I decided to use some of my frozen milk and freeze the new milk I was pumping, just to keep my emergency supply fresh, but this time she took a sip of the defrosted milk and screamed. I've used defrosted milk before when I've left her with James or my mom for an hour or so, so I didn't think much of it. She continued to refuse it (I knew she was hungry!) and it wasn't a matter of her not wanting a bottle, she's been taking a bottle all day. Finally, I smelled the milk and it smelled funny. Then , I tasted it. I've tasted it once before out curiousity (are you totally grossed out? Tell me you've done this) This time it tasted completely metalic and not at all mild and sweet. Then I smelled the other milk in the freezer, it smelled awful too. Some of these bags were only a few weeks old. Has anyone else experienced problems with storing milk? I am so paranoid now to leave her with defrosted milk, and I'd REALLY rather not get habbit of having to taste any milk I leave. No thanks. How do you store yours? I am wondering if maybe the bags weren't completely sealed, because I've never had problems before. I now have no emergency supply. :-(

Melktert (Milktart)

While I was on vacation, I made a mental list of some things I want to do for myself since I'm so busy with Olivia lately. One of them was to make something from the South African cookbook I picked up last year in Cape Town. I came back from that trip pregnant, and I'll admit I didn't do much cooking during my pregnancy. I was too nauseous and tired. Anyway, the first recipe I decided to make was a milktert, or milktart. It almost resembles flan, but it's more like a pie, but instead of crust, there's a kind of a shortcake, pastry-like layer underneath. It was a lot of work, but it turned out really well! I decided to add fresh whipped cream on top and some juicy raspberries.

I thought about posting the recipe, but it's metric. I converted it as I went, but didn't write it down. If anyone wants it, let me know and I'll e-mail it to you.

Really quick about the cyst removal: wasn't too bad, didn't hurt much until a few hours ago. Now it seriously hurts. I have stitches between my boobs. It's hard to nurse, so I pump and James gives her a bottle with my milk. The doc said it's going to leave an obvious scar, but I'm just glad it's out. Stitches come out in 10 days. It could come back. Turns out it's related to a chronic health condition I have, which I've had surgery for a few times before, but that's a whole other post.

Nighty night! Oh, and 3 month pictures of Olivia can be found here and on my sidebar.

We're Home!

We left pretty early yesterday because Olivia sleeps late, and we figured we could get most of the way home before she woke up. She didn't sleep as much as on the way down, but she did really well and didn't cry! What a relief!

I came home to a very neat house (thank you to B who watched our dogs). Everything looked great and we got right to work unpacking. We pretty much unpacked everything yesterday, so I wasn't surprised to see this when I went into our bedroom:

Today, James took Olivia to Best Buy to buy a present for B since he kept our dogs. We got him Season 1 of Queer As Folk (which James felt strange buying) and Season 1 of Will and Grace. I know he'll love them! He says he's Will and I'm Grace, so I know I'll get stuck watching it too. While they ran their errands, I hesitantly went grocery shopping without the baby (I hate being away from her). I never go alone-- I think I've been grocery shopping alone once since she was born-- and of course, I ran into co-workers and students who wanted to see the baby. Oh well. I did get the shopping done faster. I love taking my time and looking at everything. I usually don't even plan my meals until I get there. I picked up some Nescafe: Cafe con leche and I think it's my new favorite drink. It's even sweetened already. When I spent a summer at Cambridge University in England, I drank Nescafe all the time. I remember in France and Italy, they had these Nescafe machines. We don't have anything cool like that here. :-( And since I can't afford to travel now for a loooong time, this Nescafe stuff will have to do the trick! :-)

I still need to post pictures of Olivia's new clothes from Carter's . . but I also hit some baby boutiques. Oh to have like $1000 to blow in there! I did buy ONE thing from the boutiques: a kimono-style onesie made by "Tea". How perfect is that?

I'm having a real dilemna here. I always said that we'd keep Olivia in our room in the bassinet until we got back from the beach, but I'm not ready!!! She's NEVER slept in her crib, and while I want her to get some use out of it, there's plenty of time. I know the nursery is right across the hall, but I won't be able to lay in bed and listen to her breathe. I won't hear the little sighs. And there's no point of using a monitor because I WILL be able to hear if she cries. I just love listening to every little sound she makes. I get this warm, secure feeling knowing that my whole little family is in the room with me at night. This is something I'm going to have to get over, isn't it? I actually wanted to co-sleep, so I already feel like having her in our room is a 2nd best option, so I don't want to give that up. (And if you're wondering why we didn't co-sleep, I think I let my family talk me out of it, saying that she'd stay in our bed forever, which would've been fine. 30 years old sleeping in mom's bed, totally cool with me! I felt nervous though from a safety issue, so currently, she sleeps in the bassinet, and then sleeps with me for a few hours when James gets up and there's more room).

Right now, I am baking something special and my whole house smells amazing. I'll share it tomorrow when I know for sure it came out ok. Also, I have my surgery tomorrow (the cyst between my boobs is coming out), so to keep myself from complaining and boring you to death, I'll save my recipe for tomorrow.

Now, for a sneak peak of Oliva's 3 month album, which will be finished and up this evening.

We're having a wonderful time!

We are having a blast down here in Destin, Florida. Let me see if I can remember everything we've done!

One of the highlights of the trip has been outlet shopping, especially at the Carter's outlet store. We bought a good deal of Olivia's winter wardrobe. My mom bought a bunch of things for her too. I'll have to post pictures of some of the clothes later.

I visited the Magnolia & Ivy Tearoom and although it was beautiful and had nice gifts, I wasn't too impressed. It seemed really pretentious, decorated with Louis Vuitton bags, yet on their small a la cart menu of only 8 or so items, they were out of all 3 that I tried to order. They also forgot to put an item that I purchased in the bag, and debated with me when I called them later to ask about it. They ended up finding the item by their register when I called again later.

Last night, we ate at the most fabulous seafood restaurant ever. It was called The Crab Trap and our table overlooked the Gulf of Mexico. Olivia was so good (as always) and loved the sea breeze blowing on her face as we ate. The crabs were so fresh and yummy!

Today we went to the Tropical Smoothie Cafe . It reminded me so much of a place in Cape Town called Naturally Kauai, which I figured out we ate at exactly one year ago today! We also shopped and walked around. I bought 2 silver charms for my charm bracelet. I actuallY started a charm bracelet of things that remind me of Olivia. My mom bought me a small baby carriage charm with a small pink stone on it for Christmas, and I have a small silver locket with her picture, and today I bought a small, silver elephant to remind me of where she was conceived, and I also purchased a sand dollar charm for her first trip to the beach. I am obsessed with my daughter, can't you tell? :-)

We just finished swimming in the pool here at the house, and now James, Olivia and I are going out for crabs again!

Being here makes me sad that we don't go out more at home . . .

3 Months

My Dearest Olivia,

How wonderdul to be spending your 3 month birthday in such a beautiful place. So far you seem to be enjoying your first trip to the beach. This trip to Destin is even more special to me because I love watching you. You are mesmorized by everything here-- the people, the lights, the sounds, everything. You have been an absolute angel and I am proud to take you all around. Everyone stops to admire you and tells me how gorgeous you are and even though I want to say, "yes, I know!" I say "thank you" and smile because I don't want to be obnoxious. :-) You are growing and changing every day and it's strange (and somewhat nostalgic) to think that next year when we come, you'll be running everywhere. And, I suppose I will too.

I love you more every day. I thought I'd stop crying by now when I look at you, but I haven't. You constantly move me to tears. I can't get over how blessed I am to have such a smart, good, beautiful, loving daughter.

Today I realized that not only are you 3 months old today, but this is the one year anniversary of when your Daddy and I left for South Africa-- where you were conceived. I remember how excited I was, sitting on the plane this time last year, writing in my pregnancy journal about my hopes of conceiving you. And now, here I am, exactly one year later, writing to you. It's amazing the changes that time brings. Someday, your Daddy and I will take you there.

You have changed so much in the last month. You laugh a lot, and not just at us, also at yourself. You think blowing raspberies and sneezing are hilarious and you laugh when we do "patty cake". You love playing with toys and you now reach for things and put them in your mouth. This month you even ate poop, but we won't go there. Although I must say, in retrospect, it was kind of funny in a weird sort of way. You also talk more, if that's possible. You seem to love the sound of your own voice. You make all these noises even when nothing is really happening. We love to just sit there and listen. You are precious.

I can't get over how blessed I am to be your mommy. I love this new job and I can't believe I get to stay home and hang out with you all day. I can't wait to see all the changes to come. I love you my sweet, angelic Olivia.

Mommy

Beach Babe

Although my toe feels like someone hit it with a jack hammer, all I have to do is look at this face to know that all is right in the world.

Trip to the emergency room

We arrived safely at the beach. Olivia was wonderful on the way down and she didn't cry at all. Four hours is a long drive for a baby!

Now for the bad news. I spent my first evening at the beach in the emergency room. James and I walked right into each other and his shoe somehow hit my big toe in such a way that the nail ripped almost completely off. It was literally hanging there. It was some of the worst pain I've felt (and I just had a baby!). I even got a pedicure yesterday and paid $5 to have a flower painted on my big toes and jewels put on. They deadened my toe in the emergency room except that they didn't wait for it to take effect before they ripped it out and clipped away the hanging skin. Worse than contractions folks, worse than contractions. I won't even describe what it looks like. It could take up to 6 months to grow completely back! It hurts like a mother and it is so gross I can't even tell you. Bye bye chance for going in the ocean. Hell, I could've had that surgery after all.

She ate poop

I try to shy away from poop stories because I'm pretty sure I'd lose some readers if all I talked about was poop. But, believe me, there are stories-- many stories and I think today's just about takes the cake.

While I was packing earlier (still have a ways to go!), I put Olivia in her vibrating seat and let her shake the little toys that hang down. I left the room for about 7 minutes and went into the nursery to pack. I could hear her laughing and rattling the toys, so I thought nothing of her being in the next room alone. Well, when I walked back in the room, Olivia was covered in poop from head to toe. It looked like the side of her diaper had opened and all the poop had come out, and it was a big load. She had put her hands in it, and we all know how much she likes to suck on her hands. Are you picturing this? She had wiped the poop all over her face and was sucking her fingers, which were covered. I immediately called my sister who is in nursing school and she said she'd be fine. I actually thought about taking a picture, but I was in such a hurry to clean it up so she wouldn't eat any more. Also, I'm not sure it would be fair to Olivia to post a picture on the internet of her covered in her own poop. Still, in a weird way, it was really funny.

Ok, back to packing! BTW, I will be blogging from the beach because we have wireless internet service at the beach house, so we're bringing the lap top. Stay tuned for adorable beach baby pics!

Beach Preparations and Amazing Olivia

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day as we prepare for our first trip with Olivia! I still haven't been able to narrow down the list of things to bring for her, but my parents and my sister and her bf kindly offered to let us put some of the things in their cars, so we'll probably take them up on their offer.

In the morning, James is taking our Saturn Vue to get an oil change and the fluids topped off for the road. Then, he's dropping me off to have lunch with Rebecca. That way, she'll be able to see Olivia, but then James can take her home and Mommy can acutally focus on Rebecca. I haven't really had any one-on-one time with her since Olivia arrived, so I'm really excited! Then, later I'm meeting my sister to get a pedicure which my sweet mom wants to pay for. Isn't she awesome? I can't decide whether I want a french pedicure or a color with flowers painted on my big toes. Which is more beachy?

I am so excited to be taking our first vacation with Olivia. She amazes me every day! She is so curious and interacts with us so much more. She fusses until I look right at her, and then gives me the biggest smile. She now reaches for toys and shakes them to make noise. She loves blowing raspberries and then she cracks herself up. She laughs after she sneezes. I just adore her. I swear she gets prettier every day.

To Do List

I have sooooo much to do before our trip to Destin, Florida this Saturday. I really took for granted how easy it was to travel without children, but I know this year is going to be 100 times better because Olivia is there!

Still do to before we leave:
> pack, pack, pack! I have about a gazillion things written down to pack for Olivia. I need to get it through my head that she doesn't need her entire nursery, but I can't seem to cross anything off the list!

> Buy snacks and drinks for the car (it's a tradition to bring combos and drinks for the ride)

> Figure out how the heck to fold up the pack 'n play

> Get together with my friend B to give him a key and instructions for the our dogs

> maybe, possibly get a pedicure (like that'll happen)

> Try on bathing suits and vito the ones that just won't do anymore (probably all of them except one I know still fits)

> Get waxed (like that'll happen either!)

I am really anxious to have a break. Being a SAHM is hard, but awesome. I am so sick out this awful heat and humidity here and look foward to better temperatures!

Pooh!

I just typed up an entire entry, and this computer at my parents' house lost it. Pooh! It's hard to even find time to post!

Ok, for the doctor's appointment update: it's good and bad. The good news is it can be done in the office. The bad news is that it really needs to be taken out pronto, as it is spreading (getting hard in other areas), but I am waiting. We are going to the beach next week and I wouldn't be able to get wet-- no ocean, pool, boat, nothing! Also, the stitches would have to be left in over the 7 days, making the scar much more obvious. He said it would probably not only be a verticle line, but it would have the criss-cross marks too. Think Frankenstein. Since it's already going to be obvious in any clothing that shows the cleavage of my ta-ta's, I don't want the scar to be worse. Hence, I am waiting and the doctor agreed it was best. However, I am running the risk of it getting bigger or infected, and it that happens while I'm gone, he said to get it removed down there. I'm praying it won't come to that and I'll just make it until my appt on the 17th. I'm a little worried about nursing and lifting Olivia with stitches between my boobs. Ouch. Even now, it's hurting as I type. *sigh*

Tonight, James and I met my parents for a quick dinner since he had to go back to work (grad school project and work stuff since Thurs is his last day for a couple weeks). My dad held Olivia at dinner and rocked her to sleep. So precious! Anyway, since I fed Olivia a bottle of my milk at dinner, my parents offered to take her home with them and I could come by later. I went home, popped in a CD, and sang in the shower at the top of my lungs. Heavenly!!! Then, I blasted my music as I drove here, thinking about how much I love my daughter and how blessed I am. Life is sweet.

Now, my mom is holding Olivia while I'm blogging. It's the ONLY break I get-- being at my parents' house. They are the only ones (besides my grandma) who I feel comfortable if Olivia spits up on them. The other day my friend B held her and the second he handed her to me, she spit up everywhere. I was so relieved, but probably not as relieved as he was.

Well, I hear Olivia fussing. It's boob time.

The good, the bad, & the ugly

Yeah, yeah, I know the good things are supposed to go first, but in my attempt to be optimistic, I will end on a positive note, so the good will go last.

Ok, the bad . . .
 I thought I was getting a full paycheck this month (I’m on teacher summer pay until Sept). Nope. I got like 200 bucks. Apparently because my pay is pro-rated for the summer, yada, yada, I was docked pay for last month and this month. I know we’ll lose my pay completely soon, but there were some things we wanted/needed to do before then. Also, we leave for vacation next weekend. Bummer.

 I am having numbness in my back where it hurt from the accident. I have an appt to get it checked out in 2 weeks.

 I have barely any time to do the things I need to do, never mind the things I WANT to do. James is in grad school, and all his free time is taken up in the evenings and on weekends. I need to do laundry, pack away maternity clothes (but not all—just the ones the are super obvious. I am still wearing some of them sadly enough). And whoever the “anonymous” person was last time who jumped on me for complaining, here’s your big chance again. Or, you could get your own blog and stop leaving obnoxious comments on mine. Thanks a bunch.

Now, for the ugly (and believe you me, it’s UGLY)
 I am in real danger of becoming one of those people with no self-esteem. I went to the mall today with my mom and grandma because they sweetly offered to buy me some clothes. It was completely depressing. I could barely fit the next size up. I am doing it again—this constant self-evaluation thing that I do. Last night, I found myself thanking God that I’m married because no one would date me. I have so many stretch marks (I’ve never seen or heard of them as bad as mine—they are even down both legs). I am totally un-datable right now. I don’t get it. I guess my weight re-distributed itself and my hips totally spread, because I have lost the baby weight. Lane Bryant, here I come.

And now the good . . .
 I got my tea yesterday from the Teaswap. It smelled so good. So far, I have tried the Vanilla Martini tea from Bethanie. It was goooooood!
 Today, I received a letter from my pen pal Christina in Greece. We’ve been writing ever since I was in 7th grade. We had an assignment to write to a pen pal in class, and we’ve continued writing throughout the years, except for the last year or so. I was excited to receive her letter.
 I have an incredibly gorgeous child who makes me smile constantly, especially when she decided to continuously flash everyone at James’s birthday last night (she grabbed ahold of her dress and kept pulling it over her head!)