Teatopia

For the love of all that is holy. I am going BALD.

Go here. Give words of comfort, advice, anything. I am looking more and more like a 45 year old man.

books, crockpots, and pants that fit better

I was thrilled today to check my mail and find a parcel from South Africa! :-) The amazing Melany loaned me her copy of Tertia's book So Close. It's about her struggle with infertility. As soon as I finish Kite Runner, I'll read this one. I'm almost dreading it though because I've heard it's such a tear jerker. Tertia lost her first baby before having twins. Since having Olivia, hearing anything about babies dying just brings me to tears.

Today, James and I celebrated my last paycheck by meeting for lunch at a Thai restaurant. I've been on summer pay, so now we bravely go down to one income. After lunch, I took Olivia grocery shopping-- a triumph in itself. There was no crying or necessary diaper changes, so that was a relief. Olivia did, however, drop her burp cloth somewhere. She likes to hold on to it and wave it around. I need to pay better attention. These are the expensive flannel ones and I now have lost 2.

Right now, I have some awesome smelling split pea and ham soup simmering away in the crock pot-- the one we received as a wedding gift 4 years ago and have never used until today. What an easy way to make good food. Throw in the food and let it do its thing! I did, however, have to sing several verses of Old McDonald to keep Olivia entertained while I chopped all the ingredients. Is it really weird that when I couldn't think of any more animals, I actually sang, "Old McDonald had a butt" and proceeded to make fart sounds in place of the animal noises? I am pathetic. Really, really pathetic.

Tonight, I might go swimming at my parents' house. I actually have lost a few pounds, so the exercise will help. I never weigh myself. Nooooooooooooooo. I usually judge weight loss by how things fit. Is there less fat hanging over my pants? Ha! I must've lost a few pounds. Can I zip my jeans without laying down on the bed? Yipppee!

Hope everyone has a good night! :-)

The Blame Game

My husband would kill me for posting this, but since he almost killed me, I'm doing this to get back at him.

The good thing about having a baby that toots a lot, is that you can blame any accidental gas on her. (you totally know where I'm going with this).

The other night:

James: Wow. She just did the stinkiest one ever!

Hannah: Really? *I come running* Wow, that really is bad!

James: *smiling*

Hannah?: Wait a minute. She couldn't have done that. You did it didn't you?

James: *huge grin*

And so I hit him for allowing me to smell something so fowl, and for blaming it on our daughter who was sitting innocently in his arms, completely unaware he had just used her a scape goat. Shame on him.

All is right with the world. Olivia has pooped.

If you read my entry over at Mommy Musings, you know that Olivia was constipated. I know, I know, breastfed babies can go for days without pooping, but not my daughter. She loves to poop. She poops a few times a day and smiles when she toots. Nope, not pooping for 3 days is not normal for Olivia. I called her pediatrician today, who recommended I give her a tablespoon of dark caro syrup in a bottle with 2 ozs. of expressed milk. What a synch! Or so I thought. At first, she didn't want it. Then, when I finally got her to drink it, she spit it all back up. Then I gave her more, and again, she spit it up. I'm not sure if what little bit she got actually helped, but it's all good now.

I've gotta figure out how to post a video clip on my site so you can see my child (who apparently thinks she's a dog) nose dive into a bowl of rice cereal and begin slurping it up. Maybe it was a mistake to give it to her, as this won't be a part of her regular diet yet. It was kind of an experiment. When I got her head out of the dish, she began biting on the side of the bowl inbetween bites. It was a riot!

Ok, I'm going to sneak back into our room and put Olivia in her bassinet (she fell asleep on our bed) and read some more of Kite Runner.

Chai and some advice

Tonight we were watching the awesome Anthony Bourdain on the travel channel. He was sipping hot chai in India, and suddenly, I had to have some. I used to make homemade chai at home (it's actually pretty easy) and I knew the stuff that comes in a packet just wouldn't do.

Here's how you make it:

combine the following ingredients:
2 cups milk (I used 2%)
3 cloves
7 cardamom pods (open them so the seeds infuse the milk)
1 cinnamon stick
3 tsps black tea (I usually use assam or sikkim)
sugar to taste

I bring it to a light boil, and then let it simmer for a bit. It smells so good when it cooks!

When it's done, pour through a strainer into a mug or teapot.

And if you could, please go here and offer some advice.

I'm totally out of shape, but I have good friends and if I was still teaching, I'd drown myself

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I realized 2 things: that there are some really nice people in our group at church and that I am totally out of shape. Not good. This is when I usually get discouraged and give up. Not this time. I will prevail. But just in case, can you send me some motivating vibes???

Yesterday Rebecca and I met at Barnes and Noble for girl time, then my mom met me at the gym to pick-up Olivia (thank you Mom!) and I preceeded to have a workout that made me want to throw up in less than 30 minutes was really intense. Then, we went to over the house of a couple at our church for a by shower fo Olivia and another baby. We got presents and had a big cake, and everyone talked and had fun. I also learned that there is in fact a MOMS Club International here even though it's not listed on their site, so I am going to join! And-- one of the girls in our group is a journalist and wants to hook me up with some freelance writing. Sweet!

And can I just say how glad I am not to be teaching at my school from last year? It is all kinds of crazy over there. My poor friend Rebecca is dealing with so much crap right now. They are changing peoples' schedules, what they teach, and just in general making everyone's lives hell. If I had gone back, I'd totally be regretting my decision right now. I am so glad I stayed home. I couldn't deal with all that and then come home and be a good mommy all evening.

I feel validated and happier

This afternoon, James e-mailed me and told me he appreciates the sacrifices I'm making. It made me feel better, because I have made sacrifices. We both have. Tonight, James and I went out with friends for Rebecca's birthday and Olivia stayed with my mom. It was nice to have adult conversation. In my excitement over having a grown-ups night out, I wore a cocktail dress and let my hair dry curly, and shoes I could barely walk in. So totally worth it. I also felt wistful as I sat among my friends from last year, knowing that we are all at different schools now and that things will never be the same. Life is funny that way.

Tomorrow, I am meeting Rebecca for coffee, and heading to the gym while my mom watches Olivia. James is finishing up the landscaping, which means I can start planting flowers and things soon because of course, we have a few months before the cold starts. Then tomorrow night, it's off to a party hosted by friends at church in honor of Olivia and another baby born. Yipppeee!

What a difference time can make. I still have a bit of the baby blues, but I have the support of a man I love and a daughter with the most beautiful smile in the world.

Someone please tell me where I can find the nearest bridge

I am so angry right now I could scream!!! I don't usuall blog about really personal things, but if I don't, I'm going to explode!!!

I am so tired of James telling me to go back to work when I tell him how frustrated I am with my new life. I LOVE LOVE LOVE being with Olivia, but as any SAHM knows, it can be downright exhausting. She never takes a nap longer than 20 minutes, she screams if I'm not constantly interracting with her, and it's hard. But that's not why I'm mad. I'm tired of hearing James tell me what a privledge it is for me to be home-- like it's all for me instead of my daughter. In many ways, my job was easier because I had some down time during the day. Would we have gone down to one income for just me? No. Did he forget that we decided this so Olivia wouldn't get stuck in daycare? He acts like he works so hard at work and school, which he does, but so do I! I rarely ever have any free time-- less than him in fact. My job is 24 hours a day!

The truth is, I think I've been suffering some from after baby blues, but I've totally avoided the topic, I guess out of pride. This is a public blog, and I know James's family reads it to see pictures of Olivia. I guess when I started it, I never realized what an outlet it would become for me, so we shared the URL with family and friends. Oh well. I have nothing to hide. I feel like I have no identity besides being a mom and I can barely look at myself in the mirror. And with her teething pretty badly, I feel helpless and inadequate because no matter what I do, she still cries a lot. I joined a gym, which I didn't mention, because I knew I wouldn't get to go and then I'd feel stupid, which is exactly what has happened. James is so busy with grad school and work that whenever I ask him, which albeit is usually at the last minute, he's busy. And he's re-landscaping the yard, which I've wanted done for 2 years, so I'm not even going to stop him. So it's not really his fault, it just is what it is.

How can I feel so unhappy when I have a beautiful baby girl who I love to pieces? How can this be?

And why is my husband's phone turned off when I need to talk to him? We don't fight much, but we did today when he came home from lunch. I was in a bad mood. I don't feel well at all, and it's nothing that'll go away. First of all, I am anemic, at least I think I am. I had the heaviest period EVER a couple of days ago and it totally drained me. And considering I'm right back to my 23 day cycle, I felt like I was just recovering from the one that had ended a mere 2 weeks before. And I have a health condition which I've never talked about in which there is chronic infection in parts of my body, for which I've had surgery before, and it's been terrible since I gave birth. Part of me wonders if my body can't fight it because I am so tired and maybe also because I give Olivia my antibodies through my milk? Just a theory. Anyway, I am so tired all the time and I feel like, as I said once before, I am drowning.

And my husband has turned off him phone after I yelled at him at lunch. I really needed to talk to him, to hear that things are ok. I know they are, but I need to hear it.

I feel like such a bad mom for writing any of this, like I should be totally ecstatic all the time. I can't help but wonder what's wrong with me? I don't always feel like this. It seems to come and go, but right now, it's definitely here.

Picture Post

Mommy Musings

Come on over and check out my new site! (it's on my sidebar)

I am now a blogger for Real Savvy Moms!

I am hoping you'll leave me lots of comments. :-) Feel free to ask questions so I can post them over there and get other moms to respond. It's a great way to get advice from lots of mommies.

I'm really excited about this, and it might help us out financially a bit.

Weekend Sum-up

I've been really tired. I have a teething baby on my hands and the second "monthly visitor" post pregnancy. I just couldn't seem to drag myself over to the computer to update my blog. Shame on me.

In an effort to save money, James and I have cut WAAAAAAY back on going out. We are, afterall, a one income family now. Not an easy thing, but oh so worth it. Anway, we grilled out on Friday, which has become something we look forward to. On Saturday, my mom took me and Olivia for tea at Rose Cottage. Olivia didn't fuss at all (which is rare lately-- poor baby), but she did decide to blow raspberries (which sounded just like loud, wet farts). I have to say, she enterained herself quite well, as well as, I suspect, many other people there. Everyone smiled at her and commented on how cute she was. I, of course, never EVER get tired of hearing that! We had a nice time-- one of the highlights being that I fit into a skirt that, just a mere 2 weeks ago, did not fit. Go me!

And because of this discovery, I decided I could afford to indulge in a sinfully good chocolate torte. Bad Hannah. *slaps hand*

Saturday night, we went to my parents' for filet mignon and to swim at their pool. Heavenly.

Sunday, we met the new minister at church, who before even greeting us, kissed my baby. I love this man. I really enjoyed the sermon and I think he's an excellent replacement for our old minister, whom I also liked. This one seems a little less stiff though and maybe, even slightly, evangelical. I like that. We have a somewhat stuffy chruch with white heads as far as the eye can see. With younger families joining every day, we need someone a little more modern I think.

Oh! Guess who is desperately trying to sit up? She gets about halfway (think very painful crunches) and holds her position there while she struggles to pull up just a bit more. If anything, she'll end up with some really tight abs. When I offer her my hand, she can pull herself completely up from a lying down position just by using it to pull herself. I don't pull her towards me at all!

I leave you with this funny picture. Only a teething baby could fall asleep like this! (in case it's hard to see, she's got James's finger in her mouth)

The Princess is sleeping awake and would love for you to make all kinds of noise so she can laugh at you

Yes, it's the sleep issue again.

We're still having problems with napping, and if James tells me one more time I can take a nap tomorrow after I've been rocking, singing, and praying for Olivia to go to sleep for the past 3 hours, I just might have to file for divorce. Last night, she made monkey sounds and blew raspberries until 2:30 am. I've tried everything. Putting her in our bed was always my go-to solution, but now she's discovered when she's in our bed, it's even easier to play with Mommy. There's nothing like having a finger in your ear at 2:00 am, or an elbow in your eye. She lays there and explores my face, patting every, single inch of it. She sticks her finger in my eye, and when I open them, she smiles. How can I get mad?

This child will not sleep. And, not only will she not take naps, she's decided she doesn't need as much sleep at night. How can this be? Even I need more sleep then she does. I'm desperate.

I used to have tricks. There was the swaddling, but now she likes to have her hands free. And after that, the magic blanket. My mom slept with this soft, white blanket on her bed as a teenager, and then she used it to put me to sleep when I was a baby. It's always worked for Olivia. I'd lay her on it and rub its soft, worn corner on her face. She'd be out in seconds. Not anymore. If the magic blanket won't do it, nothing will.

What am I doing wrong? Can you offer me any advice? Please no crying-it-out adivce. We do not CIO here. There's got to be another way. Please, someone save me from having permanent bags under my eyes.

Wanted: FRIENDS

Well, I have been hard at work trying to find a mom's group/play group for us to join. HARDER THAN I THOUGHT. It's difficult to find one that's the right fit. If you recall, there was the Redneck Mom's Group, and now, one where barely anyone comes. B-O-R-I-N-G. Aren't there any nice, NORMAL, mom's out there looking to make other mommy friends so they can talk about things like poop and teething? Apparently, not too many . . .

Today, however, I stumbled upon yet another mom's group in the area, and even though the leader told me the summer heat has kept most members away, I think I might give it a try. I also heard that "My Gym" has classes for babies. I went to "Monkey Joe's" this week and there were like 4 moms there.

It feels like high school all over again, you know, trying to get "in" with the group that's right for you. I'm not looking for something to fill my days-- Olivia does that-- I just want a nice group to go to once every week or so. It gets lonely staying home.

Ok, I have posted about this topic enough. I'm starting to sound really hard-up. I won't post again until I have found something that fits.

P.S. I could use some prayers. I am looking for a part-time job from home, and there are some possibilities. There's one in particular I really want, but I am waiting to hear back . . .

The Take-over

Before I had Olivia, I swore my living room wouldn't be cluttered by baby gear. I used to go to other moms' houses, their living rooms filled with baby stuff, and I'd think, "that won't be me."

Fast forward to now.

I started out by dragging the swing, vibrating seat, and Einstein gym back and forth from the nursery to the living room and back again at least a few times a day. (yes, call me anal). Then, it got to be too much trouble and I decided to let a couple things stay. Now, with the addition of the "Jumperoo", the baby furniture out-numbers the regular furniture by at least 2:1. (well, maybe not quite, but we're working on it).

Now, the baby stuff is threatening to take over our kitchen. Bottles, brushes, breastpumps. The diaper bag by the door. The carseat on the dining room table. Eeeeeeeeek!

And our baby is only 4 months old. Soon there will be toys. Oh, the toys! And a high chair.

My house may be cluttered, but it reflects who we are: a lucky man and woman whose lives have been taken over by a beautiful baby girl.

Jumperoo, Toenails, Playgroups, and Teeth

Yesterday, James took the day off since he's been so busy with school and re-landscaping our backyard. We went to Peachtree City to visit TeaFusions, Williams Sonoma, and Babies 'R Us. We had a lot of fun and it was great to spend some time together. We splurged and bought Olivia a Jumperoo, which so far she is terrified of, but hopefully that'll change. I can't blame her though because I hate it too. Here's why: Idiot that I am, I've almost completely ripped off another toenail after tripping over the new jumper thingy we bought. What the heck? How did I go 25 years without any toe injuries and I've almost completely ripped off two in the last 6 weeks. The pain!!!

Anyway, Olivia is always so good in the car. I usually sit in the back seat with her though.

When we got back last night, I pumped a bottle for her so we could add her vitamins. (her ped said we should give her vitamin drops sometimes even though she's breastfed b/c it's now recommended by AAP, but she hates them, hence hiding them in the bottle) Anyway, she took the bottle from James and put it in her mouth and held it by herself. I was amazed since we so rarely give her a bottle.

Today, Olivia and I got together with Julie and her daughter. We met them through a local mom's group on Yahoo, but we were the only ones who showed. I think I am going to start my own mom's group and hope people join. This one doesn't seem to have very active members, and Julie agreed.

Guess what? Our little girl is getting a tooth! I can feel it coming through and she's very irritable. :-( I've been wondering if she was teething, but it seems like she's been sucking on things and slobbering forever. And, this past weekend, I attributed the fussiness to the 4 month shots, but nope, I can feel the tooth now. It's broken through a tiny bit. If you have any teething advice, bring it on. My poor little girl is not very happy. :-( We are going to try teething tablets. I've given her some Tylenol and she's been sleeping a lot with us because it's the only way she'll sleep. I of course, love any excuse to bring her in our bed. :-)

Shows of my childhood

I decided to add some shows I loved as a child to my Netflix queue. One of my favorites was the series "Avonlea" that aired on the Disney Channel. Did anyone watch it? I am having such fun watching it, even if I only am able to watch it in bits and pieces. I wanted to be Felicity King because I was a hopeless romantic and I loved Gus Pike. For those of you who are not familiar, this series originally aired in Canada, and it was based on the stories of L.M. Montgomery, who wrote "Anne of Green Gables." I also loved "Beauty and the Beast" with Vincent and Catherine as well as "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman".

What shows did you love as a child?

Open arms

I's definite. The other day, it seemed as if Olivia was reaching for me. Last night confirmed it. While my mom was holding her, she leaned way out, arms out-stretched to go to me, twice! I love it!

I love you, my precious girl. Mommy will hold you whenever you want, just try not to make your Daddy and Grammie feel too left out!

4 Months

Dear Olivia,

Wow. . . another month has passed. Is it possible it's been 4 whole months since I brought you into this world? I wish I could pause time for a bit and just enjoy these brief moments when you are little.

What did you get for your 4 month birthday? 4 shots. I feel awful about it, but I know it's what's best for you. Mommy was really good this time. I didn't cry, and you didn't cry as much, which is probably why I didn't cry. In fact, I was so good, that I got a lollipop when when it was over.

This month you have discovered some new things:

-- rolling over
I kept waiting for you to actually roll over, because you've been thinking about it for a while. You still seem a bit confused about it. I think you think I pushed you, but I didn't.

--food
You suddenly have become curious about our food. I'm not sure you understand what it is, but you like to watch as I put food in my mouth. You actually reached for my frozen yogurt today. And I just talked to the doctor about not introducing anything until you are at least 6 months. I suppose if you become really demanding, I might have to re-think it.

--uncontrollable laughter
You no longer just giggle. You have heartily and for much longer than you did before. You have a good sense of humor, but you come by it honestly. Last night, you thought it was funny to headbut your great-grandmother. You'd pull back, look at her, and then slam your head into her neck. Then, while your face was burried, you'd laugh hysterically, and then look at all of our reactions before doing it again.

--you recognize boobs
You suddenly know where everyone's boobs are (even Daddy's, but I guess they aren't really boobs). You used to root on anyone who was holding you when you were younger, but now it seems you deliberately go for other people's boobs, and when they don't nurse you, you settle for sucking on their shirt. It has freaked a few people out. I on the other hand, am jealous. You should only want my boobs. Mine. That's it.

--Splashing
Bath time has become playtime. By the end of your bath, there's more water outside the tub than in. I think soon we will have to introduce bath toys.

I love you, my Olivia Beth. You are my heart and you bring me more joy than I ever thought possible. I love everything about you, my precious girl.

All my love,
Mommy

This world

I am so weary of turning on the news, only to hear that there's been another terrorist bombing, more conflict in the Middle East. Will it ever end? It seems like our enemies are joining forces: Iran has been involved with some of the nuclear weapons testing in North Korea, Venezuela is talking to someone else who doesn't like us (can't remember who). It all terrifies me. What's that expression about having your hand in too many pots or something? Is that even a real expression? Anyway, I heard today that that many people are worried that while we're dealing with all this mess in the Middle East, we are vulnerable and someone might attack us while we're busy looking the other way. What happened this morning with the terrorists and the planes scares me. It's only getting worse. Worse and worse. I also heard that Cuba warned us that we best not stick our nose in their business right now. *sigh*

In many ways, I'm proud to live in a free country where we try to help others, but I also hate living in a place where we are caught up in so much controversy. I envy those living in neutral, safe places..

This is about as political as I get. I'm just scared, and turning on the TV only reinforces these feelings. I in no way mean to start a political debate (Republican v. Democrat, etc), but what are your thoughts on all this? Are you scared? Do you ignore it? Are you an avid news-watcher?

I'm such a boob

I missed National Breastfeeding Week!

Breastfeeding has become something I am so passionate about. It's my special time with Olivia-- a time when we totally connect. I love how she wraps her arms around me when I feed her. Lately, she rubs my breast with her hands while she eats. I guess to someone who hasn't nursed this may sound strange, but really, it's one of the sweetest things there is.

I joined my local Le Leche League chapter today. My mom warned me to turn a deaf ear when they discuss nursing toddlers and my grandma joked that they'll have me nursing Olivia when she's 4! I'm DEFINITELY not planning on anything like that, but it'd be nice to get together with other moms who nurse and learn more about nursing past 6 months. The more I learn about the benefits of breastfeeding, the more amazed I am at this perfect food God has created.

Thank you Jennie for recommending I check out my local LLL for mom's meetings. I've read LLL's book, but didn't think there'd be a group here, but I am pleasantly surprised!

New Look

James made me a new banner and changed some of the colors. What do you think? :-)

Coffee Tasting and Redneck Mom's Group

Tonight, James and I left Olivia with my mom so we could attend a coffee tasting at our local Starbucks. It was nice to be with other adults, especially since I knew Olivia was being spoiled by her Grammie. We had a great time! The theme of the tasting was Africa and Middle Eastern coffees. Each coffee we tasted was paired with something from the bakery case to enhance the flavor and bring out certain notes. We also sampled the iced Gazebo blend and came home with some samples, including a small bag of fair trade coffee. James won a door prize-- a striped mug I had been eyeing a while back, but didn't buy because I knew I didn't really need it. Now I have it!

Today, I felt kind of lonely, so I decided to look on the internet for some local mom's groups. What I found further supported my theory that I am surrounded by hicks. I'm going to sound like a total beeyotch, and I don't mean to, but I am feeling irritable and I'm going to tell it like it is. On her profile, one lady put that she stays home with her 3 children (never been married) waiting for her welfare check each month. Who puts something like that? Another young mom has 5 kids under 3. Not sure how she pulled that one off, and let's not forget the countless number of moms who were like 18 with 2 children living in nearby rural Alabama. Somehow I'm thinking I'll have little in common with these ladies. Oh, and another went on about how sexy she is, like that's going to entice local stay-at-home-moms or something. I did end up finding a group on Yahoo and the ladies who have already welcomed me seem nice. We'll see how it goes!

More Babies (No, I'm not pregnant again)

I am hopelessly addicted to "Adoption Stories" on the Discovery Health Channel because we plan to adopt at some point. (Have I mentioned this before?) Actually, I surprised myself and suggested we adopt first, but James wanted to have a biological child first, and apparently he's really smart and wonderful because I got my Olivia Beth. However, I still want to adopt someday. I figure that if the desire is still strong after having a bio child, then it must be there for a reason. Maybe God laid this on my heart?

James wants us to have another baby before we try to adopt, and because he was so smart the last time, I'll go with that. Besides, we can't afford an international adoption right now, and we know we definitely want to go international. But then I worry, will we want a 3rd child by then? Can we afford it? What's a good number? How many do you want? (and the questions keep swirling around in my head.)

I've thought about adopting an older child. Could it work? Or a special need's child-- am I strong enough? Patient enough? Ugh. Decisions.

Then, there are times I've thought that Olvia is enough. I'd love for my whole world to revolve around her. We could travel with her-- something that would be difficult if we had 2 or 3. But I know I love kids and want more than 1. I think.

I'm not sure why I'm thinking about this not even 4 months post-partum. Maybe because I was having nausea every evening like I did when I was pregnant. My mom gave me a lecture about being careful and not getting pregnant so soon. It wouldn't be fair to Olivia, she said. And to think of how bad it'd be for my body . . . I'll admit I wasn't very careful after Olivia was born, but then I got my period and some relief from worrying, but I know I might be fertile again. We're using protection.

There's something about carrying a baby in your tummy and giving birth that makes me re-think adoption. Giving birth is truly a labor of love, and although it'd be nice to obtain a baby without having to go through that again, it's a bonding experience. It's just you and that baby. In the end, everyone else plays a very minor role. Women have given birth for centuries without OBGYN's, nurses, and coaching. In some parts of the world, they still do. I remember reading about Nisa of the !Kung tribe. She squatted under a tree and had her baby. So simple. Just her and the baby.

James has been asking me when we should have the next baby. Until recently, I told him we weren't even going there, but now, I figure it can't hurt to make a tentative plan. He votes for next summer (to conceive, not to give birth). I'm not so sure . . .

I know many of you just had babies, and you're probably wondering (if you even read this far), why the heck I'm making you think about doing it again? But really, I'm curious. Do you want more? If so, when? You might as well consider it now, because pretty soon, everyone else will start asking you.

Catching Up

I've been away from my blog for a few days because things have been kind of busy. Ok, so here's a catch-up list in random order.

-- School starts back tomorrow. I won't be there. Weird.

-- I had an MRI last week because my back pain from the accident has turned into numbness and tingling. Turns out I have 3 degenerating discs and I have to start physical therapy with a spine specialist. My world-renouned Harvard graduate doctor says it's most definitely from the accident. Thank goodness we got a lawyer.

-- James is taking a day off this week to spend time with Olivia and me. We are going to Atlanta. I feel special.

-- I was eyeing a Lonely Planet book the other day called "A Journey Through Every Country in the World". James bought it for me as a surprise. The weird part? When I turned to the page on South Africa, James pointed to a picture of a guy and said, "We met him." I laughed thinking he was joking, but when I looked closer, I realized he wasn't kidding. The guy was smoking pot when we met him, and sure enough, there in the picture, was his bong. Weird. What are the chances?

Stripping for subs and Olivia in her ducky dress

So last night, James tells me that when he was in college, he worked at a Subway located across from a srip club (this part I knew, only I thought it was just a bar) and that the strippers would come into the shop and offer him stripteases for subs. He said they did it all the time. He never took them up on their offers (he's a Christian). Apparently he's told me this "many times". Yeah. Like I'd forget something like that.

Today Olivia wouldn't nurse for like 7 hours. I was freaking out. She didn't seem hungry at all and would scream if I tried to nurse her. She ate more than usual last night and this morning, waking up for middle of the night feedings that she doesn't usually have, and she was happy, so I know she felt ok. Finally, I guess she decided she was hungry again and has been fine ever since. I think she's teething. She grabs my hands all the time and stuffs as much as she can into her mouth. She likes to slobber and knaw on them. I also thought I felt something in her mouth, but now I don't. I had a tooth weeks before the age she's at now, so it's possible, of not likely.

Here are the promised ducky dress pictures. We bought this sun dress with duckies on it at the beach and I love it! I really though I caught a smile, but I guess I didn't. I guess she was too busy trying to stuff in it her mouth.

Ok, internet. Prepare yourselves for major cuteness!

Consolation

Tonight, on my pillow, a card saying . . .

"I know you feel like you've lost yourself. Remember, I'm always here to find you. Thank you for 4 wonderful years of marriage"

I needed that. Sorry I can't stick around. It's our anniversary and Olivia is almost asleep. A movie, cheesecake, and my hubby's arms are waiting for me . . .

The Olivia pics will have to wait until tomorrow.

Drowning

I had planned to write this whole entry about feeling overwhelmed, lonely, like I've lost myself, blah blah blah, but now that I'm really thinking about it, I'm not so sure I want to write something that I'll wish I hadn't tomorrow. Maybe I'll just touch on it a little. And maybe, just maybe, someone else out there is feeling some of what I am?

I don't want anything I say to be miscontrued as anything like this: that I don't LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mom because I do, or that I wish I hadn't quit my job because I definitely am glad I did. But . . .

I am feeling again like I have lost myself. I am starting to already regret my choice of topic as I type, but I am going to keep going. Go, fingers, go! Keep typing!

I feel like my husband and I aren't as close, and being a wife is definitely part of my identity. I knew when we tried to conceive our daughter last year that the timing would be tough. James is in full-time grad school in addition to having a demanding job. It just seems like I am picking up all the slack because he has no time. I can barely keep up with the house and take care of Olivia. Look at the time I'm posting. My clock says 12:17. It's the only time I have. James has a couple weeks off, and in the 3 nights he's had off so far, he talked to a friend for a while one night, and then played tennis with another tonight. Now, we did spend some time together after those things, but I feel like I am always watching Olivia. Why does he get time on his own, but I don't? And even typing those words has made me feel horribly guilty-- like I don't enjoy watching her when it's the farthest thing from the truth-- I LOVE being with my baby, BUT, I need some time for me. If not to do something I want to do, at least to exercise and get some of this weight off. I am in serious danger of having no self-esteem. The truth is, I can already tell my self image has changed. I joke about being fat. I feel self-conscious a lot. I avoid looking in the mirror. My complexion is terrible. I need to touch up highlights that I can't afford because I quit my job.

The weirdest thing is this dichotomy: how can I be the happiest I've ever been since having my daughter, yet feel more depressed about myself? It doesn't make sense.

I resent James for making time to do things he wants. I don't have that luxury. (again, I'm saying things I'll regret later, but damn it feels good to write them now). I'm scared to ask for time for myself. I feel guilty even acknowledging that I kind of, maybe want do something for me. I'm a mom. I'm supposed to be selfless and my world is supposed to revolve around my child. This is normal mom stuff, right? My mom never did anything for herself. She still doesn't and we're all grown up.

Part of these feelings are coming from the fact that school has started again and even though I said I was fine with it, I think I was lying to myself. Obviously, there are some feelings that haven't quite come to the surface. I miss my friends and the fun we had the last two years. (and I'm already feeling like I need to justify my "mommyness" by saying how much fun I have with Olivia, and I do, but I need to allow myself to deal with these other feelings). I miss my partner in parenting who has little time for family. We knew it'd be hard to first year until he finished school. He told me it'd be this way. I wanted to get pregnant anyway. I miss my mom who went back to school to go and teach at my old school no less. And she has this new job with my blessing, because I told her about this opening and recommended her, but it still feels weird.

I think I know how to solve this. I need to take my grandma and mom up on their offer to pay for me to do something for myself one night a week. I just need to figure out what that something is. I'd like to do something fun, but structured. Maybe even something to help me lose weight. Going to the gym is not an option though because it is not structured enough. I need a class like yoga, dance, or pilates. Any ideas?

I hope when I'm more rested and less emotional, I don't regret revealing all these feelings to the internet. But, it's my blog-- my space-- and I needed to vent to someone. Thanks for listening.

Tomorrow, prepare yourself for some major cuteness (more pictures-- in a ducky dress!) and we can pretend like everything is perfect here at Teatopia.

Yummy grilled food

After a major lull in my cooking, I've dived back in full force. I think I've cooked more big meals in the last 6 weeks than I did during my entire pregnancy. However, it's a lot harder than it used to be since we have our little winkie and I've forgotten to take pictures of most of them!

On Saturday night, we had my family over for kabobs. I'd never made them before, and it was fun! We had cherry tomatoes, vidalia onion, squash, zucchini, red pepper, baby portobellas, pineapple chunks, and marinated sirloin steak (I made an awesome marinade if I don't say so myself). They were really healthy and good!

We also made chicken satay (chicken on a stick with a Thai peanut sauce). It was so tender, and white meat isn't always. I went out on a limb and marinated it in coconut milk overnight. I'm not sure if that's what made a difference, but I've never had grilled chicken so tender before, so maybe it did? We also had grilled corn on the cob with garlic butter and a salad.

I also baked an almond cake with berries and fresh whipped cream, but it was gone before I could take a picture. It was in this month's Bon Appetit.

And for your viewing pleasure, I have added some pictures of Olivia. :-)