Teatopia

A Taste of South Africa

Well, I've moving on to more positive things. Thank you so much for your kind, supportive comments about my last entry. You all are so wonderful!

So, my birthday is next week on the 6th, and although I'd love nothing more than a trip to South Africa (in my dreams!), it's obviously not possible for a number of reasons, so we're doing the next best thing-- traveling to Atlanta this Saturday to visit one of the only authentic South African restaurants in the country. I am so excited!!!!!! I bought Olivia the PERFECT outfit to wear, and I can't wait to take pictures. Anyway, we're going to 10 Degrees South, which has been listed on my sidebar as a place I want to go for a long time!

Sighting (my personal story)

Having a blog is a bit like those dreams where you show up at school naked. You're exposing yourself-- opening yourself up for others to judge and critique. And I think if I was completely anonymous like some bloggers, I'd have an easier time, but I always have to consider the real life family and friends who may be reading, and even then I often open up and tell more than I maybe should. There's something I've considered revealing, but have avoided for a few reasons. First of all, the people who know me in real life may think it's odd that I've never told them, and secondly, it's something that hasn't really affected me, not really. And I don't think about it that often. I was raised not to. And other times, I simply forget until something-- a memory, a possible sighting, something-- makes me remember again.

Ok, so I was adopted by my father when I was seven years old. My mom divorced my biological father when I was four or so because he was horrible to her. My mom is a very Christian woman who has always been ashamed of having been divorced, and especially, of having married a man she didn't see through from the start. She left him when my sister and I were little, and after the divorce, she met someone else. We were about to move to Maryland from Georgia to get away from my biological dad, who only had partial custody of us (he fought for full, but only to get back at my mom), and my mom maintained a long distance relationship with the man she had met. He came to see us often when we were in Maryland. They were very proper about their relationship. He always stayed at my grandma's when he came to visit, and never with my mom, until he proposed to her and they got married. Then he moved into our house in Maryland and became our new dad. It didn't start out that way. We called him by his first name for the first year, but we so desperately wanted a father. My step-dad (I hate even calling him that, but I am trying to differentiate) didn't push it. It was my sister and I who started calling him dad. We sort of eased into it. I remember us daring each other to call him "Daddy" and then we'd run away, giggling and embarrassed. We were silly little girls. Anyway, that's how he became our dad.

Let me back up. After we moved, we maintained little contact with my biological father. We saw him sometimes in the summer, when we returned to Georgia to visit, but inbetween visits, there was pretty much nothing-- cards and presents on holidays, but it eventually stopped. I dreaded calling him when we vacationed in Georgia every summer and I often cried as he drove us away from my mom, but he had partial custody, so we had no choice. I always felt uncomfortable being with him. One time when I visited, he made me call my mom and tell her that I didn't want to live with her anymore. I was scared and so I did it. I listened to her cry and I kept telling her that I didn't want to be with her, that I was going to live with my dad because I was scared not to do what he said. But that night, he brought us back to my mom, and I told her what he had done. I didn't see him for a while after that.

He never paid child support, and in his job, that was terrible and he could've been fired and brought up on legal charges, so my step-dad asked him to pay all the money he owed my mom or sign my sister and I over, and there wasn't a moments hesitation. I got a new dad-- one who loved me and is my dad to this day. I mention my parents a lot on my blog. I always mean the parents who raised me-- the dad who loved and wanted me. That's another reason I hate telling people. Once they know, whenever I refer to "my dad", they always ask "which one?" even though I've explained that dad only means one man.

The last visit with bio dad was when I was 16 and visiting my grandparents for Thanksgiving. That year, he was on his third wife. He'd lost a son in childbirth with wife #2, and then they'd had a daughter together who was 8 years younger than me, but wife #2 was so unhappy with him, she ran off, leaving wife #3 to raise the daughter (sadly, wife #3 left too, so little sis has no mom). Anyway, my sister and I called him, out of habit I suppose, and because we wanted to meet our little sister. We hadn't seen him in years, probably because once he signed away his role as our father, there was little point. I knew he didn't really want us. Anyway, the visit was ok-- akward, I suppose, but ok. I remember getting into his car when he picked us up and hearing Loreena McKennit, a singer who I love, and know few people who've ever heard of her. I remember thinking how odd it was that even though I barely knew him, we had the same unusual taste in music. It was Loreena McKennit's latest CD playing the background when I got the text message from my sister (the one I know and always mention) on Friday night with a picture attached, and the message, "recognize this man?" It was a picture of my biological father. Then, my sister called me and said he'd just walked by their table at Ruby Tuesday. I could actually see the restaurant from where I was sitting in my car, waiting for James to come out of a store. She said she knew it was him because she remembered what he looked like, and also because he's a cop and he was in uniform. Her boyfriend said he would've known who he was anyway because he looked so much like me.

When we moved back to Georgia five years ago, we moved to the town where my bio father lives, along with all his family. My sister wanted to contact him. I don't remember why we didn't call him, but instead, we drove to his house and left a note. He never responded. But my little sister, who has my online screen name, has contacted me numerous times, but that was after I made the conscious decision that I didn't want to have anything to do with him, and I told her I just couldn't get involved-- that I had a father who loved me, and although I knew he'd understand (he has said so before), I knew it would hurt him, and most of all, it would hurt me. Also, James encouraged me not to. He doesn't see the point. He thinks it would only hurt everyone. I didn't invite any of them to my wedding, even though they all live in this town. I wondered if any of them read the weeding announcement, but no one contacted me.

For some reason though, on Friday night, seeing the picture of him that my sister's boyfriend inconspicuously snapped with a cell phone, made me ache inside. I blame part of my sadness on Loreena McKennitt's haunting voice, on my hormonal menstrual state, and mostly on the fact that I'm now a parent and I just don't get how you can sign away a child who you raised for 5 years. I don't get it. He didn't want me, not then, not now. He has no idea I'm married. Or that I have a child. And he lives 8 minutes from my house. In fact, I pass his house all time time because he lives in the same neighborhood as a friend of ours. A friend who threw me a bridal shower, and later, a baby shower. And he was just a few houses away, clueless. It's not that I miss him. Sure, I'm curious, but it's just the idea that someone who held me on the day I was born, someone who I called "dada" as a little girl, was and is able to just turn off that part of his life. When asked if he was children, does he respond 3 or 1?

I have felt guitly for a long time about not knowing my sister, for not going to see her when she contacted me. After having had 2 mothers leave her, I probably should have, but I just didn't know how to see her without opening myself up for further hurt and confusion. I don't want to play daughter to him when I know he always cared more about himself than me or my sister. But I also wonder, what kind of life must my little sister have had? He's an incredibly selfish, nasty person.

My mom never told anyone she was divorced, not even her closest friends because she said that she didn't need to. She was happily married to a new man, her children had a father who loved them. Heck, it even says on my birth certificate that I was born to my second dad. He adopted me. She saw no point in saying anything, and I guess I never have either. It's always been a secret. It's something that I go a while without thinking of, but also something that hurts when I do really consider the fact that my biological father more or less abandoned me, and as a parent myself, I don't understand it. How? Why? I mean, I'm the better for it considering I scored a better dad, but there's that thought in the back of my head: I wasn't wanted. I know it's his loss, but still . . .

I confided all this in a Christian co-worker who I roomed with two summers ago while at a conference, and she told me I should contact my little sister, that she probably needed me, and I agreed and told her I would. But I never did. It's so much easier not to go there in my mind. She's now 18 (I think) and she lives minutes away, and she gave up contacting me a couple years back. She said she understood completely. Am I horrible?

So that's my story. Not something you really need to know about me, but now you do. I hadn't thought of him in a long time, until Friday. I actually thought of him earlier that day when I saw a guy who looked like him in Olive Garden but it wasn't him. And then my sister text messaged me that night, and it got me thinking about all this again . . .

Maybe someday I'll contact my sister, but then I'd have to explain to everyone. I'd have to tell them who she was and why I'd never mentioned that I had another sister, and then they'd know my dad wasn't really my dad, and I just don't want to have to go there. I like to pretend that none of it exists, except maybe for a few minutes when I'm staring at a picture of his face on my cell phone. Then, I let it all come to the surface, but otherwise, I like to keep it on the down low. Am I horrible?

Short and Sweet Post

Olivia loves to imitate us, and lately, she seems to have taken a big interest in trying to care for herself. She started trying to brush her own hair a while back, but now she tries to powder herself after her bath, which we don't even do very often (my mom does it when she bathes Olivia). She also likes to rub her face when we put her ezcema lotion on. It's so cute!

I think the cutest thing though, hands down, would be something she did to me the other night. James and I were watching CSI in bed, and Olivia was laying between us, almost asleep, and James began carressing my arm. Olivia, who I thought was already asleep, leaned over, and started rubbing softly up and down my arm with her little hand, over and over again. And she looked at me, as if to say, "see Mommy? I can do it too!" It melted my heart!

Sorry for my absense these last few days. James hasn't had much homework this weekend, so we've been spending time together going for walks, watching movies, making chocolate chip pancakes, talking, etc.

Oh, and my grandma made it to Mexico! So excited for her!!!!

I have something personal to post later. It's something I've never talked about before for various reasons. So later, I will share, when I have the time to actually sit and type it out . . .

Trolls & Teeth

What is up with these internet weirdos? I have seen a few nasty comments to 3 different friends in the last couple of weeks. If you don't like what someone has to say, it's simple, don't read their blog! I don't understand who these nasty, hateful people are who leave mean comments to hurt peoples' feelings. Why? It's always been my belief-- my mom told me this growing up-- that when someone feels the need to be nasty to someone else, it's usually because they do not feel good inside. I think it makes sense. If a person is happy and loving, they generally don't feel the need/urge to say something nasty about someone else. I mean, it's one thing to write your thoughts and feelings on your own blog, but an entirely different thing to leave something critical on someone else's. It's just not cool. I wouldn't expect everyone to agree with everything I say, just as in real life, but I certainly wouldn't expect someone to call me names and leave harsh remarks. It's just not kosher. I don't blog so I can get comments, but when I get them, I expect them to be polite, even if they are in disagreement to something I've said. It just upsets me to read mean things on the blogs of people I love like I do my "real life" friends.

In Olivia news, the virus is gone, but she's working on cutting some mean teeth. We're back to an on-again/off-again nursing strike as a result, but thanks to a new pump, I'm at least keeping the milk up. My old pump sadly died. And the warranty was up! It sucks because I bet I didn't even use it 100 times!!!

Tomorrow, we're having a little Bon Voyage lunch at Olive Garden for my grandma. She leaves for Mexico on Saturday and she's so excited! It's the cutest thing! I was careful not to being Olivia around her when Olivia had the virus because I didn't want my grandma to get sick for her trip! Olive Garden is kind of special because a) it's where I announced my pregnancy to my family, and b) where I told them I was having a girl (and proudly displayed my ultrasound pics!).

Well, I'm off to take a hot shower (yucky period and cramps) and try to get the stains out of Olivia's shirt from dinner. Has anyone else noticed how badly carrots stain? And carrot poops too! I have to scrub to get the orange off her behind! LOL! I bought the baby OxyClean, so we'll see how it works.

100 Things About Moi

I updated and changed my 100 Things this past weekend. I don't think I've ever really posted them (besides on the sidebar), so here goes. What do we have in common? :-)

1. I am 25 years old.

2. I married my soul mate, James, on August 3, 2002.

3. Our daughter, Olivia Beth, was born on April 11, 2006.

4. We have 2 terrific dogs: Gracie, a female rat terrier, and Wrigley, our male poodle. I also have a miniature dachshund named Cooey who lives with my parents (she's a family dog).

5. I live in Georgia, but I grew up in the DC area.

6. I am a proud SAHM.

7. I taught 6th grade English before that.

8. I studied abroad at Cambridge University in England one summer and traveled around Europe.

9. I’ve been to Korea, Mexico, Canada, and Swaziland too, but my favorite place in the whole entire world is South Africa, where my daughter was conceived.

10. I love to cook!

11. I enjoy grocery shopping and according to my husband, I spend way too much time in the produce aisle.

12. I try to eat and buy healthy fresh things and go organic when possible.

13. I love tea and coffee!

14. I am in an international group that swaps tea founded by my good friend Stef.

15. I absolutely love to read!

16. I am very interested in other cultures.

17. I am considering going for a PhD in Cultural Anthropology someday.

18. The Food Network is my favorite channel, but I also like TLC, the Discovery Channel, and the Travel Channel. What can I say? I’m a dork.

19. Jesus is my savior.

20. I try to follow God’s plan for my life.

21. I am very close to my family.

22. I majored in History and English education.

23. I love maps.

24. I have about a gazillion appliances (rice cooker, KitchenAid mixer, food processor, smoothie blender, quesadilla maker, espresso machine, etc)

25. My husband is an engineer.

26. He’s also in grad school.

27. I love music and have very diverse taste!

28. I’ve seen Yanni in concert twice (and have been made fun of more times than that!)

29. I have my nose pierced, but it's so small few people notice.

30. I love slippers and pajamas.

31. My favorite color is blue.

32. My husband and I both drive Saturns. I have an SUV, he has a sedan.

33. I love bath products!

34. Christmas is my favorite time of year.

35. I go a little crazy with the decorations.

36. I will never have a fake tree (I don't mind vacuuming up needles). The real ones just smell too good.

37. I also have a terrific grandma who I have called "Dah" since I was a baby.

38. I have a 23 year old sister who is a nurse.

39. I have the best parents in the world (really, I do).

40. We moved to Georgia to be close to them.

41. Really, James moved for me. I was coming anyway. (We were only dating at the time).

42. James reminds me often of his sacrifice (especially when he wants something).

43. I think it was incredibly romantic. :-)

44. I want to learn another language.

45. The French I learned in high school doesn’t count because I’ve forgotten a lot of it.

46. I used to be really good at sign language. I still remember some of it.

47. I took Latin in high school. It was pretty boring.

48. I think I have a good sense of humor.

49. I grew up in a funny family.

50. I can't keep a straight face when I need to.

51. When I laugh, my cheeks turn bright red

52. When I'm embarrassed, my ears burn.

53. When I'm nervous, I yawn a lot.

54. When I'm really happy, I cry.

55. When I'm sad, I write in a journal.

56. I love blogging!

57. I love dishes (mixing and matching them).

58. I collect teapots.

59. I’m still trying to lose some baby weight.

60. I love stamps and stickers.

61. I like scrapbooking.

62. I love baking!

63. I like a lot of international foods: Indian, Korean, Thai, Vietnamese, Mexican, etc.

64. I like inventing recipes and I think I’m pretty good at it.

65. I love watching movies.

66. I enjoy foreign films and my husband is really good about watching them with me.

67. I make most of my own baby food.

68. I believe mothers should breastfeed whenever possible.

69. I used to believe that extended nursing was weird. Now I see it as something wonderful for your child.

70. We practice many aspects of attachment parenting.

71. We want two more children and we’re considering adopting one of them.

72. I love being a mom!

73. My mom is a wonderful role model.

74. I love the snow (there’s no snow here).

75. But I also love tropical climates!

76. We plan to move in the summer of 2008.

77. We’re not sure where, but we’re thinking about Richmond, VA.

78. My husband’s dad, step-mom, and sister live in Korea.

79. I like taking walks.

80. I love Yoga and Pilates.

81. I have a lot of opinions, but I usually don’t express them.

82. I love wearing flip flops in the summer.

83. I have a few very special pieces of jewelry, besides my wedding band and engagement ring.

84. My husband bought me a tanzanite ring in South Africa with gold elephants and tiny diamonds. Someday it will go to Olivia, my favorite South African souvenir.

85. On the day Olivia was born, James gave me a necklace with Olivia’s birthstone (a diamond) and a silhouette of a mother and child.

86. I used to have 3 holes in one ear and 4 in the other (one was cartilage) but they all closed except one hole per ear.

87. I wouldn’t ever get a tattoo. That’s just me.

88. My hair is really long and I’m too scared to make a drastic change.

89. My hair got a lot darker after my daughter was born.

90. I’ve never gotten a speeding ticket or caused an accident.

91. I’ve been in a few though.

92. A lady hit me almost head-on and totaled my car when I was 7.5 months pregnant. It scared me to death.

93. I have damage in my back from the accident.

94. I love palm trees.

95. I like looking at the ocean more than I enjoy going in.

96. I used to be a vegetarian. I still don’t eat that much meat.

97. I love eating out.

98. I want to travel with my children.

99. My husband worked in Japan before we met, and for the first 6 months of our relationship. We spent a lot of money on phone calls.

100. I am thankful for God’s blessings.

hot bed

You thought this was going to be a sex post, didn't you? Nope, sorry you perv! :-) It's about my poor sick child and my new mental dissorder.

There's one thing that going to the doctor will guarantee: If Olivia isn't already sick, she will be. The past two times we've been for a "well" visit succeeded in making her one sick baby. For the 6th month check-up, she got a nasty cold, and after last week's visit, she now has a 102 degree fever. I didn't even want to take her back there today to see if she has an ear infection (she doesn't, just a virus) because I figured whatever she had would only be made worse when we entered the germ-infested building.

This morning, the office was crowded. There were sick children of all ages everywhere. I know the other moms saw my look of shock when I opened the waiting room door and there wasn't one seat next to an empty chair. Nope. No matter where I sat, I was going to have to be next to someone with running eyes and a snotty nose. I thought about standing agaist the wall, but I didn't want the whole office to know about my new-found case of OCD since becoming a mother. I decided to sit next to the least sick looking child there, who of course was promptly called away only to have the seat taken by the snottiest kid ever! Every time this kid sneezed, he blew snot everywhere, and while I felt sorry for the poor little boy who was too young to blow his nose, I couldn't stop thinking of the germs spraying in our direction. I had a blanket to keep Olivia snuggled since her fever had been high, and the blanket ended up being a make-shift tent to protect my baby from the discgusting hotbed of germs.

To make matters worse, kids are usually very friendly and curious when it comes to babies, so they all came up to "see the baby" or get a toy that was near my chair. I wanted to yell, "get away from my baby! You are encrusted in snot!" but instead, I smiled, gave the other mommies forced looks of sympathy and tried to talk myself out of my paranoia. I used to be so laid back. I worked in a school for goodness sake! I had kids sneezing, sniffling, even puking in my room, and I never worried about it (apart from being totally grossed out by children who wiped their noses with their sleeves since the school refused to pay for tissues in my room and I got sick of buying them. But I digress.) What has happened to me? Call me Monk! Does anyone else watch that show? I am Mrs. Monk!

When we got home, Olivia and I hopped in the tub (she was too fussy to leave so I could bathe separately) to wash off the germs. Of course, we probably ended up sitting in them, but it was fun to play in the water and see her smile and splash around. She's also been sweaty from the fever, and her poor irritated face gets more red and bumpy when she sweats!

I'm trying to play off the whole germ phobia thing. See, it's not totally my fault though. Last week I went to a health convention with my sister (who's a nurse) and they had this glow-light that showed germs. You rubbed this gel on your hands and then the light made all the germs grow. It was really nasty.

As a new mom, it might be a while before I get over having to wipe Olivia's hands with anti-bacterial wipes after she plays at the park, or disinfecting tables and high chairs and shopping carts, and anything else that comes into contact with Olivia, but I am trying little by little to lay off, not only to expose her to good germs, but so I don't look like a complete nutjob at the park, at my moms' group, etc.

Please send me non-compulsive thoughts!!!

Rainy Weekend, Wheat Allergy??, Unplanned Pregnancies, Grey's Anatomy catch-up!

Olivia is so freaking funny! Last night, my mom and I gave her a bath, and my mom sprinkled corn starch on her before putting on her diaper. Olivia took the powder (now closed) tried to dump some on herself, and rubbed and patted all over her diaper and legs. It was so cute!

It's been a quiet weekend. It's been rainy and cold, and we've spent a good deal of time indoors. Olivia has been really fussy from teething. She's been grinding her teeth (does anyone else's baby do this?) and had a bit of a runny nose. Poor baby!

We watched some crazy TV this weekend. I watched "Sweet Sixteen" on MTV. I really don't watch MTV much, because it's totally trashy, but this show is insane. Has anyone seen it? These super rich sixteen year olds plan extravagant, completely obnoxious parties. The one I saw today was shocking. The girl got a 96K jaguar for her 16th birthday!!!!! I went to high school with kids like that, and it made me sick. And it wasn't jealousy either. My parents were wonderful and helped me to get a car, but I had to earn money for it too, and buy a used one. Kids I knew in high school got brand new expensive cars that they often wrecked right away. Anyway, I saw this other show in the Health Channel last night where this girl ate six rolls of toilet paper a day. I think Olivia might possibly eat one if I let her, but six? Probably not.

On Friday, a good friend called and told me she's pregnant. That makes two friends with unplanned pregnancies in the last week. My friend who told me Friday said that she was on the pill and didn't miss one! That makes 3 people in the last year that I know to get pregnant on the pill! Kind of scary! I don't know what kind they were taking (except one was taking Yasmin), but it makes me wonder if a particular brand, or brands, is/are faulty. My friend who told me Friday, Sarah, is really scared. I feel badly for her. I'll be happy to pass along some of my baby stuff (not too much though, because we want another sometime next year!). I just hope I can help her. I know how emotional I felt during my pregnancy, and mine was planned, and I had a wonderful hubby to help. I'm just glad she decided to keep it! She'll be a good mom.

I'm worried that Olivia might have a wheat allergy. She has little bumps on her face, which the doctor said was eczema (she's had it on her tummy and arms before in tiny patches). I asked him if it could be wheat because she eats WAY too many Gerber fruit & veggie puffs, and he said it could be and told me to go 2 weeks without them and see what happens. I ordered these wheat-free alternatives from Healthy Times. Makes me kind of worried that the doctor didn't offer any suggestions until I asked about the wheat. I'm going to be careful because I DO NOT want her to have a wheat allergy later in life!

Tomorrow will be a laid-back Monday. A repair man is coming to fix our air purification system (which thankfully is under warranty) and I have to stay home between noon to five, which basically means I'll be home all day. I'm praying for a long nap time tomorrow so I can finish season 1 of Grey's Anatomy. Love it! I'm a little late to jump on board, so I'm trying to catch up. I'm totally lost when I watch the new ones. Hey-- can someone explain this whole gay controversy??? Is George gay on the show or in real life? Or am I totally lost and he's not gay at all?

By this time next year, I'll be a size 2! (well, maybe)

I have been soooooo good about exercising! Go me! I guess yesterday was the only exception. MF and I went to a local shopping center to walk the perimeter, but first we decided to get mochas because it was cold, and then when it started to sprinkle, we went into a cafe to give the babies a snack, and ended up eating a second lunch, so yesterday--not so good. Ate too much, but today-- today was awesome! I think we walked like 3 miles with our strollers. My calves are seriously sore! I'm not disciplined about exercise. I admire people life GFF because she's so good about going to the gym. I wish I was more eager to go, but walking is something I enjoy because MF and I talk about babies, husbands, bad fashion mistakes, etc. Speaking of which, I'm afraid the 80's are back, and it's not pretty people. The leggings with mini-skirts I can handle. I personally don't look good in them (not that I've tried in a while) because I'm a little bootylicious, and I end up looking like I have chicken legs, but that aside, some of the other fashion trends I'm seeing are not so eye-friendly. Some people do not look good in skinny jeans. In fact most don't. I hate the tapered look. It makes guys look gay and girls look fat.

Anyway . . .

Here's a rather late picture of my hair. You can kind of see the layers on the side. Oh, and I don't know why my nose looks so big! My nose isn't small, but I look like freaking pinocchio!

I'm starting to read this book about breastfeeding controversies in America. I know it's something that's going to piss me off and really make me think hard. Should be interesting. Since having Olivia, I have become so passionate about something I'd never really thought about, and now, I'm really interested in it. And it's not just ineresting in a healty, mother-infant bond way, it's also really interesting from a political/social standpoint. I've been thinking a lot about it because I've decided to nurse Olivia past a year. Not sure how long, but I know I'll have to deal with the stigma that comes with breastfeeding a toddler. I hate that some people make you out to be some kind of pervert or social deviant. I actually talked to the pediatrician about it the other day and he highly recommends it. Our society as a whole is so clueless about breastfeeding and its amazing benefits. I actually saw someone post a comment on someone's blog recently saying that "formula these days is just as good as breastmilk. It's come a long way". I have good friends who bottle feed, and that's fine. I'm often jealous when they so easily take out a bottle and I'm left with trying to cover myself up and get Olivia to stay still so I don't embarrass myself in a public flashing, but to borrow a quote I recently heard, it's not like choosing Coke over Pepsi. Breastmilk is a living food, ever changing. Okay, time to get off my soap box! :-)

This morning, Olivia and I went grocery shopping (this post keeps getting more and more random). It's amazing how much longer it takes to shop these days, and surprisingly, it's not because I have to entertain Olivia. She's pretty content sitting in the cart (once I've sanitized it. I swear I have OCD. Today I spent like 5 minutes wiping down a cart only to find it had no seatbelt and I had to start over with another, but I digress) looking around and smiling at everyone. It's everyone else who slows me down. They all stop to talk to Olivia and ask questions. That's the downside of having a cute kid I guess. And when they don't look, she waves and says "hi", but I think only because we do it to her. I really don't think recognizes "hi" as a greeting. She just knows that it accompanies waving. Oh, and that brings me to something else. Why do old people feel it's their place to give advice to complete strangers? I was walking today, and some old lady calls out, "the sun's in that baby's eyes!" and then I checked, and she was fine. My grandma is like that. She asked me the other day if Olivia's husband was going to sleep with us too. They didn't co-sleep in her day, or if they did, they did it in secret and she thinks I'm doing Olivia a disservice by allowing her to sleep in our bed. I was pleased when she came to Olivia's appt and heard the doctor say that it was fine to sleep with her, at least until she starts sleeping better.

Well, it's time to try to get my fussing, teething daughter back to sleep! Oh, and I have to find a baked potato soup recipe for tomorrow.

9 month appointment

Thank you so much to those of you who have left me reassuring comments and sent e-mails. I can't tell you how much they mean to me. I know in the scheme of things, my problem is small, so I'm trying to be thankful for Olivia's health, and just how lucky I am to have this precious baby. It's just during these times when I'm sleep deprived, and I'm looking at big, dark circles under my baby's eyes, this whole sleeping thing seems so hopeless!

Olivia's 9 month appointment went well, but the pediatrician couldn't give me a magic answer. He said that he recommends I try to get her more used to her crib. He said he'd leave her in there everyday to play, and let her cry if I have something I need to do. Maybe I'll try to play with her while she's in there so she gets more comfortable in there, and hopefully we can put her to sleep in there at some point. He recommended a book to help me, so I'll check it out.

Something completely shocked me at today's appointment. Olivia has barely gained ANY weight since her 6 month appointment. In 3 months, she hasn't even gained a full pound! With all that night nursing (she nurses 6-8 times in a 24 hour period) and the baby food, cereal, and gerber puffs, I thought she'd be 20 pounds, but she was only 18 lbs, 3 ounces with a diaper. The doctor wasn't concerned. She's so active and really slimmed down when she started crawling. It's just odd because I've always thought of her as such a big baby, but I guess she really isn't anymore. Weird!!!!

In my effort to focus on the positive, here are some pictures from this week of my wonderful Olivia! Oh, and yesterday, she yelled "nose!" and pointed to the boy's nose in the book we were reading! So smart! She now will point to all the facial features when asked. She might not sleep, but she's my little smarty-pants! Hehe!

All ready to go out gorcery shopping with Mommy!

Helping to brush her hair. After I brush it, she takes it and helps. See how fast she's going? :-)

Today, while I was getting dressed, Olivia decided to open up Daddy's sock drawer and throw all the socks. Oh, and excuse the mess. It's not mine. That's the hubby's side of the room.

This is HELL

While I'm typing this, Olivia is screaming to beat the band. She's really tired and was rubbing her eyes, starting to fuss, etc., so I nursed her to sleep and moved her to her crib. She stirred, saw where she was, and unleashed the fires of hell. She is dead tired, and I'm hoping she'll just fall asleep-- that is, if I can make it that long.

I promised I would never, ever let her CIO, and I'm tempted to give in, even if it means my life is hell and I never sleep again. I don't know if I have it in me to do what it might take to get her to take a freaking nap.

Last night, if it's even possible, was far worse than usual. She went to bed earlier than she usually does and slept from 9:15-1:00. I was so excited I thought about throwing a party, but it was premature. She woke up at 1:00, 3:30, 6:00, went back to sleep an hour later at 7:00, and slept a couple more hours. I decided not to nurse her one of those time because I knew she wasn't hungry, and rather than going to back to sleep within 10-15 minutes of waking, it took an entire hour.

I can't stand to let her cry, but I can't stand this lack of sleep either. It's a Catch 22 and I feel like I'm losing my mind.

She's been screaming for 10 minutes. An entire hour has gone by since I started the process of trying to get her down for a nap, and she was extremely tired when we started. Why doesn't she give in? Do I pick her up? Wait longer since she's soooo tired? I just don't know the right thing to do. I'm almost in tears myself. We have a doctor's appt this afternoon. I'm praying this man has some answers . . .

Glorious Sleep, NOT!!!!!!

I've got to get something off my chest . . . I don't know if I can take anymore of Olivia's (lack of) sleeping schedule. I am at my wits end. I'm tired, cranky, and I look like complete crap. I don't have time to do anything because she never sleeps, and I feel guilty for having all these feelings.

She doesn't take naps. EVER. There were a few days around Christmas when she slept for a whole two hours with James, but it hasn't happened since, and it's not for lack of trying. She takes 2 15 minutes naps a day. Maybe. If I'm really lucky, that is.

And at night-- don't even get me started. I dread going to bed every night because I know I'll be up every few hours. She refuses to go back to sleep without being nursed. Believe me, I've tried. She SCREAMS and SCREAMS until I give in. Just to clarify, we're not talking about fussing or whining, we're talking about blood curttling, tear producing whaling that often makes her vomit, and forget letting her cry it out. I think she might just die from sadness! Or be scarred for life. I mean, Olivia is my heart. How can I not do the things that make her feel better, and almost as importantly, GET ME BACK TO SLEEP SOONER!!!!!

I haven't had more than 4 hours consecutive sleep in months. Usually I'm up every 2-3 hours to nurse, and sometimes inbetween for a minute or two. We've tried co-sleeping, which doesn't make her sleep any better, but it helps me to avoid the hell that comes with trying to put her back to bed alone-- sneaking her over after she's asleep. It's always been like this, and half the time, I'd fall asleep waiting for her to fall asleep so I could move her back.

She also won't stand for anyone but me to get up with her. If James does it, she screams for "mamamama!". He tries, but there's no point.

She's so wonderful in so many other ways. She's bright (meeting most milestones very early), and funny! She laughs at everything. People tell us all the time how happy she is, and she really is. BUT SHE WON'T TAKE A FREAKING NAP! She has the sleep schedule of a newborn, but only at night, waking up all the time.

We go to the ped tomorrow for her 9 month appointment, so I'm going to talk to him. Something tells me though that she's just going to have to grow out of this. I don't want to complain all the time, but right now I am completely at my wits end! MF told me that she doesn't know how I do it and that she shouldn't ever complain to me about anything because she knows how much harder I have it. I don't want it to be like that. Complain to me! I'm not one of those moms who makes things a contest. I hate that. Babies do things in their own time (don't I know it!) My problems dont't make yours any less. I just am feeling sorry for myself right now and I'm totally, completely at a loss.

Holding good thoughts for more of this:

Food, Uncles, Lost and FOUND!

I’m loving this de-lurking thing. Although, many of you have not yet de-lurked! I see you on my tracker (especially those of you in Europe!). Keep on de-lurking! I love comments and I have already started going to some of your sites to say hello. I love meeting new people. This is so much fun!!!

Well, call me Martha F-ing Stewart. This has been a weekend of good food! On Saturday night, after a day of shopping with my mom at Babies ‘R Us, I made Olive G@rden’s Zuppa Toscana, after snagging the authentic recipe off the web! It totally tastes like the restaurant’s soup. The only thing I did differently was I peeled the potatoes, which the recipe doesn’t specify. I don’t like the skin floating around in the soup with the potatoes get soft. Eeeew. This recipe is a great way to get kale into your diet. At least, that's my justification for a recipe that calls for sausage, bacon, and heavy cream! This soup is perfect with cheesy garlic bread for dipping!

Today, I baked a sour cream pound cake to take to my parents’ tonight, and then Olivia and I headed over to her Uncle Ben and Uncle Joey’s house. They’ve been in a decorating frenzy since Ben moved in with Joey, and the apartment looks fabulous. Very Pier 1-ish, which it totally my taste. I got to meet their adorable roommate E, who explained her lack of contribution in their fab apartment. She said that’s the benefit of living with two gays. :-) I told them they should audition for "Queer Eye", if that show is still even on. Ben & Joey have been shopping for antiques to blend with their ultra-modern décor, and Ben did a lot of the artwork in the apartment himself. I’m tempted to commission him because he did such a great job! I’ve been looking forever for a painting to hang above our couch, and after two different attempts, I’m still not happy with what’s up there. I also love when people are bold enough to experiment with color, because I’m not really.

Something amazing happened today. Five years ago, I lost a small red leather notebook where I wrote daily entries while in college in England. I journaled about what I saw, stuck ticket stubs and other little souvenirs inside, and when we moved to Georgia, it disappeared. I even had a mad search for it when we cleaned out the guest room to create Olivia’s nursery. Then today, my mom called me and said that my dad found a small red notebook made of leather in their storage stuff, and it had stuff about Cambridge in it. I can’t wait to sit down and have a good read. I know there’s tons of stuff about my ex “Doug” because missing him was such a daily part of my life there. I only wish that someone would’ve hit me in the head with a huge-ass shovel and told me that when I got home, Doug would dump me and I’d soon meet my soul mate. I wasted so much money on international calls when, hello! I could’ve been buying Parisian perfume and drinking more Italian wine! But seriously, I can’t wait to re-live the cafes, shopping, all the amazing things I learned in my classes, the weekend whirlwind trip to Paris with my then best friend (we’ve kind of lost touch, but I still love her!) I know I’ll end up crying remembering when I was younger, independent, and totally feeling my oats in Europe! Ah, how life changes. Good changes, though. I love being a Mommy!

Speaking of which, here are new shots of Olivia and her proud mama!

Such a big girl drinking from her first kid's cup! She's been drinking from a straw since Thanksgiving Day, but now, we order her a kid's cup with diluted apple juice. So big!

Expert puller-upper finally! :-)

Oh, and for those of you who use Movable Type (or if you’re just really smart and helpful), some browsers won’t allow you to navigate away from my page. It simply refreshes if you hit the back button. I can’t figure out how to stop this, and neither can my usually-really-computer-savvy husband, or else he just didn’t try very hard. Does anyone how I can keep this from happening (the navigating problem, not my husband not helping me when I need it. He only does that sometimes!).

Lurkers, De-Lurk!

I'm a bit late on the whole de-lurking thing. The truth is, I'm kind of scared to do this because I'm worried I won't get any love. So if you would, please let me know you're reading. I see people from all over the world on my stats. Who are you? :-) I'd love to stop by your blog if you have one, so leave your url. Let me know if you link to me so I can add you to my blogroll! Thanks for reading!

Hugs,
Hannah of Teatopia

Newsy

This is kind of a catch-up post, for things I wanted to mention over the last week . . .

On Tuesday, I went to turbo-kick (kick boxing mixed with cardio), and WOW!!!!! I haven't been that out of breath is forever! Not only did I learn just how out of shape I am, but I also realized it's probably not a good idea to exercise wearing a nursing bra. I was conscious of my girls bouncing the whole time (ooowwweeeee) and then, the most awful thing happened. My nursing pads fell out onto the floor in the middle of the class! The horror! I left to go wrap them up in my towel, and I was so tempted not to come back, but I did. Have to lose weight! I know it might seem odd that I still wear the nursing pads, but sometimes there's a bit of leakage, especially when Olivia is near them, snuggling, or when she cries sometimes, and I honestly forgot to remove them before the class. Time to get a sports bra!

I am such a snob. There's no two ways about it. Yesterday, I went to the park for my mom's group, and there was a mom there who looked like the last time she washed her hair might've been some time in '05. Now, I try to be openminded and welcoming, but when people are dirty, I have a hard time with that. I have no problem with race, handicapped people, mental retardation. I'm comfortable around everyone. But dirty? Um, take a shower.

Today, I was out running errands, and I seriously think I saw a guy I went out with in Maryland. The guy I saw was a soldier, and pretty much anyone who joins the army is going to come to my city for bootcamp, so if he joined the military, it could explain why he was here. I only went out with him once, but he tried to molest me when we were taking a nice walk and I totally wouldn't forget him. I had half a mind to go up and ask if he remembered me. When he said no (because I obviously was just another girl to hook-up with) I would've asked him if he remembered my girls! I didn't let him do ANYTHING, but it really bothered me that he'd even try when I barely knew him. Um, first date? I think not! I'm not even one to kiss on a first date. Ask James. :-)

Ok, and this last one if for friends only! My family would die if they knew I posted stuff like this (although few family members read my blog anyway). Meg (that's my sis), you can read it though. :-)

Click below:

OK, I've mentioned that Olivia sleeps with us, and that makes it kind of hard for "mommy and daddy" time if you know what I mean, so the other night, we put her in her pack-n-play in our room to play (I keep it there so I can actually bathe, unlike the mommy at the park), and when she became totally enthralled with her toys, we had some fun of our own. Next thing I know, I hear giggling and squealing. I look over, and she's watching us and dancing, just like Mommy and Daddy. Please don't report me to child services. It's not like she knew what we were doing, she figured we were dancing! She was so excited because we all dance together a lot. Next time, we'll wait until she's asleep.

Um, how to co-sleeping families add to their family??

9 Months

Olivia Beth Boodles,

Nine months seems like a milestone, almost like 6 months, or a year. But in a way, it's stranger, because you've now been a part of this world for as long as you lived inside the safe world that was my belly. I miss having you in there sometimes. I was thrilled to have you out-- to meet you, to not have to sleep sitting up because of acid reflux, and be able to see my feet and tie my own shoes, but I loved carrying you with me wherever I went, to know that you were part of my body. I still feel that you are connected to me sometimes when you nurse, but it's not the same, and I treasure those nine months you grew inside me, just as I've treasured these nine months I've spent interacting with you and giving you thousands of kisses each day.

This past month, you experienced your first Christmas! You weren't sure what to make of it, but you liked the wrapping paper, and you danced and sang your own notes when we sang Christmas carols. Speaking of singing, you match notes very well now. We sing a note, and you sing it back, and often, you sing your own songs and dance. You are our little rock star, and we love you so much!

I wrote in another monthly letter than your first word was "uh oh", and it continues to be your most used word. You throw things all the time, exclaiming "uh oh!" and we are so proud that it's hard to get annoyed when we have to keep picking things up. You say "mama" and "dada" a lot, and put your arms out to be held. You also can say "eye" and "hair" (which sounds like "heh") and you point to where they are when asked. You are our little baby genius! You also know nose, but can't say it. And lately, when you fuss, you say "brrrrrr" over and over again. Not sure what it means other than you're not happy. There are some things you choose not to understand, like "no!" I try to say it with my very serious teacher face, but you laugh at me.

You're really good at pulling yourself up, but I think walking is a ways off, still. You're growing too fast already, so I don't want to rush things.

You're working on more teeth! You have two on the bottom and one on the top, but I'm pretty sure you have a few more coming. This month you went on a nursing strike because of your teeth, and you worried your mommy. Once you cut the tooth, things went back to normal.

We love you so very much. You make us laugh, cry, and count our blessings each day. It's hard to imagine my life before you, yet I know it existed. It's just hard to remember what it felt like sometimes. You have grown into such a beautiful, spunky baby girl and we are so proud to be your parents!

Always the Good Girl

Just posted over at Mommy Musings. Does anyone else struggle with wanting to please everyone all the time? I thought about posting it here, but I need material over there, too. Come support me and check it out. You can comment here if you want to.

The Ex Factor

I've never talked about anyone I dated before, probably because I'm now happily might be fun to share ex stories.

The other night, I had this completely random dream that my ex showed up and ruined a vacation that I was on with James, Olivia, and the rest of my family. It's weird, because I haven't thought about him in forever, but my sister and I were talking about ex's the other day, so it probably got me thinking.

First, I want to put this out there: for those of you who knew/know my exes (and there are a few of you), no judgement please, but you are welcome to e-mail me and laugh about any of them. :-)

Before James, I had three guys who I'd consider ex's. I dated inbetween boyfriends, had a stalker, and tons of crushes, but I'm only counting three other guys. Oh, and I didn't sleep with any of them. Just thought I'd clear that up. The first was in high school. I was young-- too young to technically date, but we held hands in school, went to each other's houses, homecoming, etc, and he totally broke my heart when his parents made us break up. He was my first love, although I can't for the life of me figure out what I saw in him. (Entsar, you are totally laughing right now aren't you?) The second was a sweet guy from my church. He was cute, played football, and was a good boyfriend to me for the 6 months or so we dated, but he was kind of dull and aparently, I broke his heart when I broke up with him the day before Valentine's day (ouch, I know).

My biggest relationship before James was one of the most intense relationships of my life. We met just before our junior year of high school and dated into my sophomore year of college. He was dark, intense, moody, and now that I'm older and wiser, I think he might've been slightly mentally unstable as a result of a very sick mother who raised him. Also, looking back, I think he was kind of a pervert, but that's neither here nor there. We had so much fun. We'll call him Doug. Doug was completely adventurous and funny. We camped together several times, played tons of jokes together, sent each other love letters when I was in college at Cambridge University, and then he flunked out of college and didn't tell me, but I didn't know that until it was ending anyway. Doug mentioned moving in, I didn't believe in it, and after it was clear we were in different places, he broke up with me. It's funny-- I thought I couldn't live without him, but when the day came, I felt very little sadness. I knew I wasn't meant to be with him and actually felt peaceful. And it helped that I met James 5 weeks later. I told James "no way"-- that I needed time to myself, but he strongly pursued me, and when I gave in, I knew it was right. And then I was totally amazed how much healthier a relationship could be. James was reliable, truthful, and also funny and adventurous like Doug had been. Most importantly though, he had a faith in God that amazed me, whereas Doug did not (another sourse of turmoil in our relationship).

Today, I look back and feel blessed that I found a man willing to save himself for marriage like I did (I hope he doesn't mind me saying that, guys are funny about these things), a man to prayed with me, and also, that my family approved of. They didn't want me to marry Doug.

I just thought I'd share part of my life I've never mentioned before. If you care to share, go for it. Do did you date before now? Someone creepy? Funny? Were you engaged? Bring on the stories!

Working it (and hair)

Pilates was totally amazing. The instructor worked my abs something fierce. I didn't know much about pilates, but it focuses a lot on your mid section, or your core. Well, my core could use some toning. She said that if you have muscles in your stomach that aren't toned, your neck often makes up for it, and with my lame-o stretched out abs, my neck is totally feeling it. Anyway, I think I'll keep up with it and maybe add another class for cardio. I also walk a lot with MF. We stopped for a few weeks over the holidays, but we started up again and went a couple miles yesterday. Go us!

Today I got my hair cut a bit shorter, and had layers added. At first, when I saw how short some of the layers seemed, I was kind of freaking out, but I actually really love it now. I'll post a picture later. Right now, my hair looks like crap because I didn't even let her blow dry it. My sister was watching Olivia and waiting on me, so I let it dry naturally, and it looks yucky because I didn't comb it until after it dried in a funky way.

Oh, and speaking of hair, go read this. If you are registered at "Real Savvy Moms", you can leave a comment there. If not, than what the heck are you waiting for? :-) If you're not, you can come back here and tell me that I'm right. :-) I'm joking, but really, I probably am because when it comes to disagreements between me and the hubby, I'm always right of course! :-)

Baby Girl and Pilates!

Olivia has been napping better (praise the Lord), sometimes 2 hours at once. She finally went down for her first nap today, and then, not even a half hour later, the freaking dog woke her up barking at a &%^&#@% truck.

Olivia has been so enthralled with her new toys, some of which haven't even been opened or put together. I figure if we space out introducing them, it'll keep her more interested.

I'm really psyched about tonight. I have my first pilates class. I'm sticking to those New Year's resolutions plans and in the hopes of fitting back into pairs of pants that haven't seen the light of day in a long time. Wish me luck. My fitness goals usually fizzle out pretty fast. I can't let that happen. Help motivate me!!!

Don't forget about Mommy Musings. I feel unloved. :-)

Changes in '07

I always thought I'd feel such relief NOT having to return to work after nice weekends, long holidays, etc. Instead, I always feel kind of sad because I'm being left behind while everyone else returns to a routine. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade my "job" for anything, but it's always whistful not having James at home, or getting together with my family. I know it's even harder for them though.

It seems surreal that 2007 is here. The year of my daughter's birth is now behind us, making it seem as if life is just flying by. Weird.

I used to always make New Year's Resolutions, but in some ways, they're silly. It seems as if people seldom follow them. They're more like intentions really. So, here are my hopes, my intentions for the new year:

-- take more time for me. I need it, desperately.

-- Lose weight. I'd like to be in a single-digit size. It's do-able, but I'll have to work at it, which means making time to exerise.

-- Be more social. I'd like to make more friends, invite more couples over. Sometimes I feel lonely.

Someone I was best friends with in Maryland e-mailed me and told me she's pregnant. I'm excited for her, but it also made me sad that I'm not there to plan and shop with her. We've kind of lost touch, but I know if we saw each other, it'd be like old times. It just made me sad that someone I was so close to is going through something so big and I'm not there to share it with her. I think these feelings come from the fact that I felt so alone during my pregnancy. Many of my friends complained that "things would change" once Olivia arrived, which only made me feel more desperate for friends to share it with. It's not that I blamed them. I know it would've been weird for me to have a close pregnant friend when I so wasn't there myself, but I desperately wanted a friend to share it with who knew what I was going through, who was there/had been there themself. It's further proof how lonely I have felt during significant moments in my life since I moved here. I've written about it before.

I totally didn't mean for this to end on a negative note. I guess in this new year, I'm hoping to develop more of a social circle. I always had tons of friends in school, and in college. Ever since I've moved here, I just haven't really developed close, close relationships. Hope that'll change in '07.