Teatopia

Breathe.

The real estate agent just left, and I'm fighting back tears. I'll blame it on the hormones. James went to pick up a pizza (yes, at 9:00 pm) because we spent time cleaning up rather than eating when he got home, and then the agent arrived. I am a terrible parent because I let Olivia go with James instead of keeping her home, bathing her, and getting her to bed. But I get to blog and vent, so it's all good.

Ok, things on my mind since meeting with the agent:

-- It really sucks that our house is being listed at several thousand less than I thought. The market isn't so good and we want to be competitive, so it has to be.

-- We have a looooong list of things to accomplish before Monday, when the house is officially "on the market." Nothing is major, but there are so many things like, scrub down all cabinets, wait 24 hours, and re-stain. Take bathroom mirrors to shop and have them cut-down to get rid of the water-damaged rim. Clean out all closets and storage areas. Just pain in the butt type of stuff.

-- My first house is going to be sold. I'm feeling incredibly emotional and nostalgic already. I can't even look at my house right now because it makes me so sad.

-- Good news: houses in our price range are selling fast (2 houses down the street sold in a couple weeks last month). Hope we find something we like soon because hopefully this one will be gone.

-- We all sat at the dining room table to go over paperwork, and Olivia, wanting to be with us, sat strapped into her booster seat eating snacks. During a quiet moment of reading papers, she knocked over her bowl of crackers and said emphatically, "Oh shit." I thought I was going to die. At least I'm not to blame. She heard my church-going grandma say it the other day when she locked her keys in the car and I guess it stuck.

Last thing not house-related. I told myself I wouldn't talk about Karen anymore, but I seriously need to vent. I'm throwing a shower for MF this Friday, and Karen asked MF to please tell me to include her. I thought it was odd because I figured she didn't like me, but I sent her a kind e-mail and extended the invitation. Well, today, I got a response from Karen basically saying that she didn't know why I'd invite her since she knows I have said so many bad things about her to people (totally untrue BTW. I have lots I could say but NEVER have because I lead a Christian mom's group and wouldn't give her or anyone else cause to think badly of me. I have always held my tongue, always.) I wanted to write her back and ask what gives? She set me up. Why did she bother to ask to be invited? Of course, I know the answer. She wanted to cause more drama. If I hadn't invited her, it would've given her cause to get mad about that, so I couldn't have won either way. Anyway, after calming down and praying about it, I wrote her the kindest e-mail I could muster:

Karen,

I'm sorry that you feel uncomfortable. I was under the impression you wanted to come since you asked to please be included in the shower I am hosting. I wanted to reassure you that I have nothing against you and haven't ever said so, so if you change your mind, it's going to be held at __________. Please do whatever is most comfortable for you, but know that you are certainly welcome.

Take care,
Hannah

I was so proud of myself. Obviously, there are other things I would've liked to say, and probably would've been justified in saying, but they weren't the best choice. I nipped any potential drama in the bud. She later wrote me back and thanked me. Still though, UGH!!!!

OK, off to shower, which is what I was supposed to be doing while they're gone.

It's my blog and I can cry if I want to . . .

Still happy about the settlement, but . . .

I'm not sure that I've mentioned it, but I got the cold from hell sometime before Christmas and it hasn't completely left me yet. I've been coughing since then and it's been driving me nuts. Just when I thought it was a little better, I've caught something else. And nothing-- NOTHING-- on my approved medicines list is helping at all.

Last night though, I found something that definitely had an effect on me. It didn't clear my nose, but it kept me laying awake for nearly 4 hours last night. I was tired, but I absolutely could not fall asleep and my mind was racing from the stress of not being able to sleep and from everything else we've got going on. I couldn't stop thinking about the listings my real estate agent sent us, like this one: (too lazy to make pics the same size)

I tried to imagine how our furniture would fit in the houses we like and I was stumped over exactly what to do with 2 living rooms, as most houses we like seem to have. Who has a formal living room with 2 babies? I kept imagining whether having a pool would be totally awesome or too much work and a danger for kids and dogs. Still not sure...

I also thought about everything I need to do today to get ready for the realtor tonight. She's coming to look at our house and put a price tag on it. I'm worried she'll tell us to change a bunch of things, and I know I'll just cry if I have to worry about painting or re-arranging. It just seems like too much right now. James is already driving me nuts with everything he wants to do, which would have our house ready for the market sometime next year! I want this house sold and gone before the baby comes because it'll be so much harder after he's here. I won't be able to straighten up as easily, and there will be swings and bouncy seats out, not to mention-- where will all his clothes and things go? I don't want to worry about creating a nursery and finding a place to move James's office, further cluttering our house, just to move a month or so later.

Today, I really need to be working in the house, but all I want to do is lay on the couch. I can't freaking breathe! Even eating and drinking makes me gag because I'm breathing from my mouth and I can't when there's something in it. My nose is totally clogged. Did I mention that everytime I cough or sneeze, I pee? Yep. Even if I've just gone, which I can assure you was no more than 5 minutes before. I swear I got up at least twice an hour last night to pee. How many calories do you think I burned walking back and forth last night to the bathroom? My guess it, enough to order whipped cream at Starbucks today (that is, if I have the energy to go. A white mocha sounds so good right now).

If I was still teaching, this would be a day to pop in a grammar video and sit at my desk, detention slips ready to go for any student who continued talking after their 3rd warning. I so would've done that. It would've been quiet and I could've sat there and felt miserable. Instead, I'm spending my day with a hyper toddler, who I love to death, but who no doubt will have had me draw Santa Claus at LEAST 30 times before James comes home because that's still her favorite thing (we've tried to explain he's gone until next year, but she doesn't care). In fact, last night she held a wipe up to her chin, yelling, "Look, Mommy! Have white beard!" and in a low, funny voice, she said, "Merry Christmas!!!!" How's that for cute? We have a smart little girl! I'll probably spend my day changing the diaper of every single doll and stuffed animal in the house because as Olivia says, "It pooped again, Mommy! I'll get diaper!"

I'll leave you with this: would you buy a house with a pool? Before you say, "heck yes!!" be sure to think about safety issues and maintenance and all that. It sure would be neat to say, "Hey! Pool party at our house!"

Ok, off to pee and blow my nose. Again.

Ecstatic

It's done! Finished! Over!

We heard today that the insurance company accepted our lawyer's proposed settlement amount. We can pay off my medical bills and put the house up for sale! I promised James I'd keep the info private, so all I can say is, things are much better for us now. :-)

Now I just hope we can sell this house and move before Baby Boy arrives. The market hasn't been so hot here, so it won't be easy.

Weeeeeeee!!!!

Sloppy Seconds?

Is it bad to re-use basically everything in our current nursery for our little man? I feel badly not picking out all new things for him, but the truth is, I love Olivia's gender-neutral theme and she's never even spent the night in her room. I spent so much time creating her space and imagining her sleeping in the crib and it's never happened! Crazy. Anyway, it seems wasteful to buy all new stuff when what we have was hardly used. We're going to create a "big girl" room for Olivia and then modify her current room a bit for Baby Boy-- at least that's the plan if I can get over the guilt of not buying him his own stuff.

Uncomfortable

You might be thinking the title means I'm going to go on and on about how uncomfortable I am. It's true, I am. I have aches and pains like you wouldn't believe. I don't remember feeling so uncomfortable this early with Olivia, and at not quite 21 weeks, I can barely get out of the bed! My sciatic nerve is just plain evil and my legs hurt too. It hurts to bend over and I feel like I'm 85 years old. And I have months to go! Acutally though, there is something making me feel more uncomfortable than the this growing fetus, and it's finally approached. The time has come to settle from the accident nearly two years ago.

I suppose some people would have dollar signs in their eyes and be hoping for tons of money. Me? Sure I'd like some money, but I HATE the idea of sueing someone. Well, technically, we're sueing an insurance company, but I know I'd feel bad if someone was sueing MY insurance company as a result of ME, even if I did something completely stupid like pulled out without even looking, hit someone, and then concocted a story to try and make it look like their fault when they were 7 months pregnant with a totalled car. But seriously, I feel so guilty about the possibility of getting money out of a law suit, even if I totally deserve it. I do have permanent damage, I have lots of pain, and I'll probably need therapy and/or surgery later in life, yet I feel like I have to keep going over these facts so I feel less guilty about this whole process.

I've been praying for God's hand to guide this whole mess. I don't want to win anything that isn't legitimately deserved.

I'm also completely stressed about when this mess will be over and the back-and-forth fighting will be done. As of now, my lawyer has submitted all the paperwork and proposed an offer, so now we're waiting for the other company to agree or counter. They were supposed to let us know today, or at the latest, Monday. It's unlikely they'll cooperate and agree. I'm sure they'll counter with a sucky offer, and it'll go on and then maybe even go to trial. What a mess. You know, after the accident, as soon as I knew Olivia was alive and well in my belly, my next thought what a pain in my a$$ all this would end up being, and it sure has. We have outstanding medical bills, our health insurance is involved, my car insurance is involved. I spend sometimes hours a week on the phone arguing about bills and who is paying what and when we'll be able to pay and filling out forms and faxing things and mailing things. It's a freaking nightmare and I just want it to be over!!!

Heath Ledger is dead!

I just saw on the news that Heath Ledger is dead! I don't know if they've determined cause of death, but the news said that pills were found near his body. He has a daughter Olivia's age. It's so tragic, regardless of the circumstances. It's so odd when someone famous dies because you feel like you know them!

Getting a Grip

We've been making a tremendous effort to eat healthier and just be healthier in general. I know I'm not alone in these efforts and I've enjoyed reading about healthy living on a few of your blogs. Seems a few of us are really working hard. I was on a great kick several months ago and could see some great changes in my body. I cut out most processed foods, tried to eat more raw fruits & veggies, started buying lots of organic, and made an effort to exercise regularly.
I even was careful when I went to St@rbucks, ordering skim lattes with artificial sweetener or sugar free syrup. I know my coffee obsession doesn't help and I've lapsed into ordering whipped cream again and licking gooey caramel syrup. Yikes! Sometime last summer, I got lazy and relapsed a bit, but still maintained some of my healthy habits, though not enough to maintain my weight loss. :-(

This time around, there have been a few things prompting my choice to regain a healthy life style. One obvious reason is this pregnancy. I'm much more aware of what goes into my body, and I feel guilty for some of the over-indulging I did in the first trimester. It's so easy to get that "eating for two" mindset, when really, eating for two should make me more conscious of what this little baby is being exposed to. It was much easier when I was pregnant with Olivia because I had more time to plan meals. When I went to work, I packed healthy lunches and had to eat them because it was all I had with me. Now, I'm at home and I go out to lunch with my sister and my friends and I end up eating crap. Or, I snack throughout the day. Even when I'm eating fairly low-fat snacks, too many of them definitely add up. I'm also notorious for eating late at night, which is awful, I know. I was also desperately thirsty during my 1st pregnancy, and often I drank so much water that I didn't eat much else. These days however, dinner often is whatever is easiest or fastest, and while I don't make anything really fattening (nothing fried), even boxed things like Hamburger Helper aren't so good. There's little nutritional value. Lately, I've been planning ahead and looking at healhy cookbooks for ideas, and I've been enjoying it. I just hope it lasts. I tend to get really excited about things, and then my focus shifts to other stuff and I stop doing what I was doing and get caught up in other things.

I think that in order to really be healthier, the next step is to start exercising more. It'll make my labor much easier. I know I can't lose weight right now, but I can maintain and get serious after the little guy arrives.

The other reason I'm trying harder is because of the shock I got when I finally weighed myself. I know it's terrible that I didn't know-- that I avoid looking when I go to the doctor's. I don't even own a scale anymore. Ours broke and I never replaced it. How's that for poor self-image? I actually have told doctors not to tell me. I know, it's bad. Well, I figured I needed to know for this pregnancy, and I almost fainted when I found out that I started out at the weight I weighed at the end of my pregnancy with Olivia. I lost a lot of weight last spring, so sometime between then and a few months ago, I put on a lot of weight. I stopped exercising when my health condition prevented me from doing so (the one I blogged about on my private blog-- you can leave a comment for the password if you haven't seen it or want to read it again). But in spite of it, my heart is more important and I might just have to deal with some discomfort from my health problem in order to live longer in the long-run.

James has been really making an effort over the last few months, eating oatmeal each morning and drinking slim-fast at lunch. I can see a huge difference. Neither of us is "fat", but we both need to lost some weight. I probably need to drop 40/50 pounds to be thin again, and that's not going to be easy. I'm not sure I'll ever be skinny again, but even average would be fine. I'm not plus-sized, but if I keep gaining a few pounds each year, I'll be headed that way. I'd love to be in a single digit size this time next year, or by the summer of 2009. Keep in mind, I still have 4 months to go before the little guy comes, than probably another 2 months of recovery, so it'll take some time...

Anyway, for now, putting good things into my body is going to give this new baby a great start, and also hopefully keep me from gaining more weight than I should. I've been making things like whole wheat spaghetti noodles with tomato sauce, tons of veggies (mushrooms, onions, garlic, peppers, spinach, etc) and lean ground meat.

On Friday, I made a meal inspired by a Diabetic cookbook, which I bought it when my blood sugar was a little high in my 1st pregnancy. I cooked pork, onions, and garlic in my crockpot on low for 9 hours. It was fall-apart tender and so good. I could smell it cooking from outside my house! :-) I also cooked sweet plantains in just a tiny bit on Canola and simmered black beans, onions, garlic, tomatoes, and spices for a couple hours to pour over rice. It was divine and low-fat. Olivia loved it.

For dessert, I baked a strawberry cake made with low-fat strawberry yogurt, fresh fruit, and whole wheat flour. Olivia devoured it!

One of my current favorite snacks is light Laughing Cow Cheese spread on whole wheat saltines. Yum! Also, I've been eating fresh pineapple and strawberries dipped in vanilla yogurt when I have a sweet tooth. I also bought some of the Smart Pop pocorn, which is pretty good. I don't buy anything bad, I can't eat it, but I do struggle when I go to my parents a few times a week and I see my dad with chips and cookies. I usually give in. :-( It's soooooo freaking hard sometimes!

Anyway, we want to establish good eating habits for Olivia, who thankfully loves fresh food. Just look at her with her banana! :-)

And here's another just because I think she's so cute! :-) She makes this face a lot lately because we always laugh when she does.

Tease

I've been anxiously waiting for the snow to start falling, and so far, nada. The weather man forcasted it, but he's a big fat liar! :)I haven't seen snow since we lived in Maryland and it's totally depressing.

I'll bet a lot of you have seen snow this winter, haven't you? Care to share?

Crazy Pregnant Dreams

Well, here we go again. The insane dreams are back. I remember many a morning waking up when I was pregnant with Olivia and thinking, what the...???

Last night was crazy. I dreamed that I met Lisanne and that she was covered in tattoos like that girl from "L.A. Ink". I couldn't figure out why I'd never noticed them in her pictures she posts. Also, she just doesn't seem like the type. :-)

If I think of any of the other crazy dreams I've had, I'll be sure to share, I just thought this one was especially funny since many of you read Lisanne's blog. Lisanne is probably going to think I'm nuts. LOL!

Karen's Revenge

After a tossing and turning all night because of my sciatic nerve and acid reflux, I dragged myself out of bed so we could head into Alabama. I go to Alabama at least once a week for my moms group's bible study, and sometimes other days for playdates. Alabama is as close to us here as Virginia was to Maryland when I lived in the DC area. I can be over the bridge and across the state line in 12 minutes, and then it's another 10-20 minutes (depending on whose house I'm going to) of gorgeous country driving and we're there.

This morning, due to illness, there were only two of us, my friend Kellie and I, and of course, Olivia. We had a nice time this morning and Olivia played with Kellie's daughter's toys since she was at school this morning. Kellie and I talked a lot about our mom's group and how much we love it, and how much more connected we feel to each other now that we started this smaller group-- I'm assistant organizer of our Christian group. Kellie is still in the other one, but mostly does stuff with this one. Anyway, she told me something this morning that just burned me up. I'm trying to look at it in a positive way, but I'm still pretty peeved.

Remember all this? Well, in case you don't and don't have time to re-read all of it, in a nut shell, several of us branched off to form a Christian group because the other one was not supportive of us wanting to have a bible study, but they thought it was fine to have s_ex toy parties. Of course, there was more to it than that (you can read down the bulleted list in the post I linked to). Anyway, Karen has made our parting an unpleaseant experience even though I thought I left on a good note, telling her that I really enjoyed her group but wanted to be free to bring God into everything, and she was cool with that. Although I try not to get caught up in gossip, I'll admit to feeling a little annoyed by all the things people have told me Karen has said. She seems to feel threatened by all other groups and has been kind of petty about it. The silly thing is, we're a much smaller group (she has 200, we currently have 16) and we're not competing with her.

So, finally, what ticked me off this morning is that Kellie told me about Karen starting a Christian aspect to her group, with threads on the msg board for bible discussion, verses, and prayer. I'm trying to look at this as a good thing because obviously, involving God is always awesome and I think positive things will come of this. I'm not complaining there. What makes me irritated beyond belief are her motives. She is admittedly NOT a Christian (I think she was raised Jewish) and for a while would not even let us put our bible study on the calendar because it wasn't a Christian mom's group and people "had complained." Then when we left so we could openly be Christians and have our bible study, she got mad and said we were judgmental and that we must not think her group was good enough. Well now, look who's soooo freaking eager to bring back the Christian stuff because she sees people coming to our group for good family fun. I know her. She feels threatened. Again, I think God will use this for good, but I'm mad at her because she's such a sell out. Why can't she let us be? Why can't she enjoy her HUGE group and all her publicity and articles in local papers and group discounts and all that crap and leave us alone? Why can't she stop making this a contest and under-handedly doing things to take away from our little group? She actually asks people who are in both groups to report back to her about what's going on. They've told me! I couldn't care less about her group, except that she's a thorn in our side. We should be able to co-exist in this town.

I'm just going to continue to pray for our group and its protection. When we're so small already, and it's sad that she's being such a bully. She really needs to get a life, because apparently, having 200 some people in her group isn't enough to keep her happy or occupied. Lucky for me, I'm thankful for my 16. :-)

I LOOOOOVE my midwife!!!

Today was like a breath of fresh air. I've been kind of nervous about my midwife appointment, just because it's something unfamiliar from what I did last time. At first, I didn't like the long line to check in (I've heard this practice is busy, busy!), but once I got checked in, successfully peed in a cup (which is a triumph in itself), I relaxed a bit as I waited in the tiny waiting room for the midwife. There's a separate area for midwife patients, and another for OB/GYN patients.

A nurse called me back, and as I answered her questions and waited for her to create my new chart, I glanced around the room. Wow! Already, everything seemed better than the other office! I saw several books on her shelf with titles like, "Mothering Your Nursing Toddler" (I have this book!), "How to Avoid a C-Section", and another about involving your husband/partner in the process. I noticed all the pictures on the wall of new babies being held by the smiling midwives that delivered them, and I got a really cozy, familiar feeling. Everything felt so personal!

Then, when my midwife Melissa came in, I was excited because she remembered seeing me at the viewing of "The Business of Being Born" where we had met briefly. She talked to me about what I wanted-- my preferences, what I didn't like last time, any concerns I had. It wasn't an in and out kind of visit. She was so kind and she made me feel special. She asked tons of questions about my life: what my husband did, what I did for a living-- she was even interested in what I had taught and where. I told her my sister was an L&D nurse, and she actually had worked with my sister just this morning. I feel so excited about this process now. I was excited the first time, but also scared because I'd never been through pregnancy before. I just kind of followed whatever the OBGYN said and it was kind of a no-brainer. This time, I get to make decisions, create a birth plan, and make a personal connection with the woman delivering my baby. I'm not sure I would've been ready for all this the last time. This second time around, I have a confidence I didn't have the first time, which is probably very common.

I feel really good about my decision. Another thing to note is that she said she wants me to gain about a 1/2 pound per week, which means I have about 10/12 to go. I couldn't tell her exactly what I weighed pre-pregnancy because I never weigh myself (out of fear) and didn't get weighed with my former OBGYN until I was already 2 months along. I recently learned what I weigh, and I almost had a heart attack. Note to self: NEVER abstain from weighing myself again. It's much worse to find out later when it's a lot more than you thought! I need to hit the gym after this boy is born. Although I don't think I've gained more than a few pounds so far this time (based on what I weighed at the OBGYN last year), I started out pre-pregnancy weighing pretty much what I weighed with Olivia at the end of my pregnancy. I'm seriously going to cry if I write any more about this. I just know I need to get serious and my very careful about what I eat. I had slightly high blood sugar last time (although no GD) so I need to watch it. I ate very healthy today, so I'm off to a good start. I think I'm going to start writing down what I eat every day. That'll give me a reality check!

Well, we're off to TGI Friday's to meet my parents. We already ate dinner, but my parents wanted to see Olivia and buy us dessert. DESSERT! Ugh, I hope I can fight the temptation and order decaf coffee or something instead. Maybe it won't be too bad if I share something with James and Olivia???

UPDATE: I seriously have NO willpower. I ended up ordering a brownie a la mode, but after a few bites, I decided I'd be good and gave it to my dad, so I guess that counts for something, right?

Cameras and Clueless

I really want a good camera for my birthday in Feb. My camcorder/camera combo just isn't cutting it. The pictures are WAY too pixilated. I was hoping for some suggestions. I know several of you are great picutre takers (GFF, Lisanne, etc) and I'm dying to know what you use and how you like it. James is prepared to put out some money for one since we really need one with Olivia at such a young age and also with the little guy on the way. This is prime picture time in our lives.

On another note, I love that my husband helps so much, but he really can be quite clueless. Olivia just came up and complained that her feet hurt, and what did I find? Her shoes are on the wrong feet and have been since this morning when James dressed her. Bless his heart, he really tries, but he can be so clueless! :-)

Confession

Ok, this is the "personal" post I've been waiting to type. I've kind of been putting it off because I think my feelings are silly, but I'm hoping you all can reassure me.

Ever since I found out I was having a boy, I've been having some uneasy feelings about raising a boy. I'm not at all disappointed it's a boy. It's nothing like that. I'll admit that I feel a little disappointed for Olivia because I love having a sister and I had visions of two little girls in their PJ's playing dolls together like I did with my sister. I'm somewhat mourning the fact that this fantasy won't happen (unless we were to have a third, but then I might want a brother for this little guy). I actually wanted a boy and knew I'd be just a little sad if I never had a son. I'm just not so sure how it'll be to have one.

A million people have told me how much easier boys are. That seems to be the automatic repsponse when I say I'm having a boy. I swear 10 people have told me in the last week. Is that true? If so, why? Personally, I don't understand guys really. I love my husband, but he's definitely a different breed than me. You know the cliche. Men are from Mars... I am a very sensitive, emotional woman and I don't understand manly sports-playing guys. James isn't like that, and not all guys are-- I just have trouble seeing myself with a very boyish boy. I keep envisioning some sex-crazed teenager who'd rather read dirty magazines than give his mother the time of day. (Even I think I sound ridiculous, but I have crazy hormones. Indulge me.) :-)

I'm also already feeling sad that once he gets married, he won't talk to me as much because he'll only care about his wife because of something someone said. A family friend, who has sons and daughters, told me quite frankly, "You will love having a son, but they only stay mommy's boys until they marry, but a girl will be your baby forever." Ack! Is this true? James doesn't talk to his mom as much as I talk to mine. My dad doesn't talk to his mom as much as my mom talks to hers. Maybe this is a little true?

I keep looking at boys stuff in stores and it just feels weird. Even my sister told me before my ultrasound that I'm the type of person who has daughters and she's the type that has sons. I nodded in agreement. I always saw myself with girls because it's all I grew up with. Again, I'm not disappointed. If someone gave me the option of having another girl instead, I would keep my baby boy, I'm just unsure what to do with a boy. I love artsy stuff. I like make-up and cooking. I've never watched a sports game in my life except when I dated a football player in high school and even then I had no idea what was going on. What do girly girls do with little boys?

I'm somewhat embarrased to admit to these feelings, but I know I'm not alone in my worries. I've heard other women express these concerns, and at the time, I remember thinking I'd feel the same way, and now, here I am.

Will it all fall into place? Will it feel natural? Maybe I should get one of those books on raising boys. Hey! That's a good point. Do they have these books about raising girls? I've never seen one. I guess mothers can pretty much figure out what to do with a daughter.

I can't wait to meet my little man. I already love him so much and I tell him all the time even though he can't hear me yet. I just hope he thinks I'm cool. :-) I'll go to every one of his games if he plays sports, and all his concerts if he likes music. I just feel a little unsure right now as to what it'll be like.

Master of Chopsticks

On Friday night, we went out for Korean food, one of my favorites after Indian food (and Thai food, too). Olivia wasn't too thrilled with most of the food, but she loved the rice. She decided she wanted to be like us and use chopsticks. I was amazed at how well she did just by watching us. She held them mostly correctly and was able to pick up rice with them!

She is the coolest little girl. I can't get over how much fun it is having a toddler. Today we waited in a cramped waiting room for almost 3 hours while I got new brakes and she made friends with everyone. She even climbed up on a few people who paid her extra attention, and they assured me it was fine.

Lately, bathtime is her favorite, but she scares me sometimes because she likes to lay on her back. We always watch her, but I'm scared she'll get a mouthful of water.

See how nicely the bubbles cover parts I don't want on the internet? BTW, we add Aveno wash to her water. Bubble bath can give little girls infections.

Oh, and I have to add this one in there. Tonight I made Mutter Paneer (peas and cheese cubes in a curry sauce). Yum! I feel so proud. Most things I make these days are either frozen or come from a box. *sigh*

New milk, new baby

It was weird enough when I stopped producing milk after Olivia weaned*, but now, I have colostrum again. Yep, the liquid gold has returned, ready to nourish yet another little life.

Olivia has been asking almost every day to nurse. She used to call it "boof" but now she actually says, "I nurse?" but then usually, right after, she tells me, "mommy milk all gone!" and I tell her that's right. I feel sad that she asks so much. I don't know that she'd really be interested if I let her, which I can't do anyway. My boobs are so freaking sore since the colostrum came back and nothing would flow freely enough for her anyway. I only have a little. Still, it makes me feel both nostalgic and sad about Olivia weaning, but also excited that it's all beginning again.

Midwives vs. OBGYNs

Leave it to me to bring up all the contrversial topics! Actually, the responses to my post about circumcision were great. I really enjoyed reading all your responses and it gave me a lot to think about. James and I will be doing some research of our own and also keeping your thoughts and personal stories in mind. It helps so much to hear about your choices, feelings, regrets, and satisfactions. I'd rather hear about real cases then read about extreme examples in magazines and such. I think it's awesome that I got such a variety of answers and everyone was so respectful of each other.

Anyway, moving on... Today, I had what might have been my last appt with my OBGYN. As I mentioned before, I made an appt with a midwife next week, but I'm having some unsure thoughts. There are so many things I like about my OBGYN's practice. Really, everything is great except for my options for delivery, which is what this all is leading up to anyway, isn't it?

I love that I never have to wait too long once I get to his office. I've heard that the waiting room at the other practice (the one with a midwife) is crazy and I may have to wait a loooong time. That's not easy with Olivia in tow. Also, I love that I can call my current OBGYN with a concern and someone always returns my call. It took me several phone calls and messages just to actually speak with someone at the front desk to even make an appt with the midwife. The office ladies aren't even nice there. Again though, these are not the most important things, but they are making me have doubts about leaving my current practice.

Today, I actually saw the nurse practitioner for my OBGYN. I've seen her before and she's awesome! I talked to her about my concerns and I told her I was considering seeing a midwife because I wanted to have a more active role in my son's delivery. She listened and pointed out that if I want to be able to move around during labor, and take my time, and have a natural approach, then a midwife is the way to go. I agree, it's just that I'm scared about switching to something unknown.

I want a natural birth this time. I considered one last time but everyone told me I was nuts and so I abandoned the thought. This time, I really want to go for it, but I feel like I have to defend my choice to friends and family and also reassure myself. I think the problem is that I myself am having doubts. I know I want it, but the thought scares me. A midwife will understand my choice and support it. I have nothing against medicated births. Even though my epidrual was given so late last time (and it pooped out on me), when it worked, it was heavenly. Am I crazy to give that up?

My reasons for wanting to have a natural birth are:

-- Our bodies are so capable. We're made to give birth. I want my body to do what it's made to do. There's something really cool about that.

-- I want to be able to walk around to help myself dilate faster rather than being stuck in a bed unallowed to move. I want to change positions and move my pelvis so the baby can descend easier.

-- Last time, my epidural caused part of my pelvis to stay numb for a while. I had trouble reading my body and knowing when to push. I want to be able to effectively push to hopefully avoid another vaccum birth (two different vacuums were used to deliver Olivia over the course of an hour) and maybe even avoid an episiotomy. Midwives have other techiques for getting that area to stretch: massage, oils, etc.

-- Your levels of oxytocin are incredibly high with an unmedicated birth. Oxytocin is the love hormone, the one that helps you bond to your baby. I'm not saying people with epidurals don't feel love, but I can tell you from personal experience that I know several people who did not feel that instant connection-- myself included, I even wrote a post about it-- and lower oxytocin levels can be to blame.

-- My epidural caused me to shake violently and I don't want that again. It kind of freaked me out.

-- I want a birth plan.

-- This is a big one for me: midwifery is more popular than hospital births in most developed nations, but strangely, not in our country.

In the end, we all have to do what works best for us. I don't want anyone to ever think that I'm judgmental when I post about cloth diapers, natural births, breastfeeding. These things are interesting to me and I like to talk about my views on them, but I'd also like to think I'm a little crunchy in a cool this-is-what-works-for-me-but-what-you-like-is-fine-too kind of way. :-)

BTW, I just have to say again that "The Business of Being Born" was so awesome. It made me believe in myself and my body's ability. It wasn't obnoxious in my opinion, but rather informative. You can check out the trailer here. Even James said, "wow!" when I showed him the trailer. It always makes me cry. :-)

For you moms who did go natural, were you glad? What did you do to prepare for the birth?