Teatopia

Do you have a TV in your bedroom?

When I got married, my aunt gave me this advice: "Never keep a TV in your bedroom. Bedrooms are for sleeping and loving."

We actually did end up putting a TV in our bedroom, but it was rather bulky and out-of-place looking, so we gave it to my sister when we moved. Now, we're trying to decide whether or not to get another one (a smaller, nicer looking one that won't require a large stand or armoir like the last one did). James said he kind of likes not having one, but I miss not being able to watch the weather every morning to help me dress accordingly. I also miss watching shows in bed after James and Olivia are asleep, but I also see reasons for not having one. It is nice to lay in bed and talk before falling asleep rather than finishing up a show.

So, I'm wondering, do you have a TV in your bedroom?

Feeling better...

Wow.

I can't believe it's been so long since I blogged. My last post was kind of depressing, but things are much better now. Everything is almost done in the new house. I'm having to twist James's arm to do little things like help me hang pictures. Since things are mostly done, he's comfortable and not in any hurry to finish the last details, but I just want it all done. The next two things on my agenda are gardening and getting the baby's nursery done, but even that is somewhat set up.

The gestational diabetes thing really isn't too bad. I went for my first session at the clinic on Monday. They taught me how to check my blood sugar and went over my diet. It's not as restrictive as I would've thought. I miss my frequent trips through the Starbucks drive-thru, but I'm learning to appreciate healthier eating. I'm actually getting consistently lower blodd sugar readings whenever I test, which is weird since they put me on this for high blood sugar. I'm getting low enough numbers that I need to watch for signs of needing a sugar pill, so that's kind of surprising. I seem to feel ok even when my blood sugar is kind of low, and I shouldn't have any pregnancy complications (pre-term labor, huge baby, toxemia, etc) since my numbers are great (if not too low). There are just a million extra appointments that come with the GD, and it's hard to manage them all with Olivia. James can't take off that much and everyone in my family works.

I feel badly that I haven't posted pictures lately. I've barely taken any belly shots with all the chaos, and I know I'll regret that later. I'm measuring right on schedule, but I feel pretty big. There's no mistaking that I'm pregnant at 7 months along. I have a nice big belly that is constantly twitching and moving. :-)

I need to get busy getting everything ready for the little guy. He could easily be here next month! I'm trying to decide if I should buy a double stroller. I have to buy one regardless since Olivia's is pink, and I can't decide if I should buy a single or a double. Olivia doesn't like her stroller anymore, but she'll ride in it when she's tired and sometimes I put her in it anyway because she's going through a stage where she runs off.

OK, pictures coming soon. Promise.

Getting Personal

Just popping in for a quick update . . .

I haven't been doing so well lately to be honest. I found out yesterday that I have gestational diabetes, so I have to take a class on Monday to learn how to manage it. They'll give me a meter and teach me how to check my blood sugar 4 times a day-- something I'm not looking forward to. My blood sugar was really high and the nurse yelled at me, asking me what the heck I'd been eating. I haven't gone crazy with the sweets, but I do love my carbs. She was really stern with me and I almost cried right there in the office. My midwife was nicer about it, but also very serious in her instructions. I don't know yet if I need insulin. I'm actually starting to wonder if I had it when I had Olivia. I still have never passed sugar in my urine and I only scored 2 points higher on the first glucose test this time than I did the last time, so I just scraped by when I was pregnant with Olivia. This time, I assumed since I was just barely over the limit with the first test, that I probably didn't have it, but obviously, that's not true. I'm really bummed out.

My leg is healing ok, but the stupid dr's office hasn't returned my calls still about the MRSA results. I'm hoping since it's healing (but still nasty) that I don't have it.

The move has been hard. I miss my parents' house like crazy, which James doesn't get. I've been down a lot lately (hormones, stress, pain, etc) and it felt so good to have my mom there taking care of me and Olivia. I felt like a kid again, and right now, I really need that. James isn't always as sensitive as I'd like. He tries, but he doesn't get the whole crazy pregnant hormonal thing. Last night was our first night in the new house, and all I could do is sit on the couch and cry like a stupid baby missing my mom.

I'm freaking out about having another child to take care of soon, and I'm feeling really guilty about taking my attention away from Olivia. I just feel resentment about the whole pregnancy, almost like I'm blaming the baby for my diabetes and recent depression. I know it's not right, but I can't help it. I know I'll love him, but right now, everything seems overwhelming.

Please pray for us . . .

Things are moving at lightning speed around here. We said we wanted things done ASAP, but weren't prepared for things to go THIS fast.

We got an offer today from someone different (not the girl from Friday), the second day the house is on the market. The people came this afternoon, loved the house, but want to be in by the end of the month. We've barely started looking for somewhere to move.

James and I argued all day about houses and which properties we liked. I liked a newer house with a small yard (probably too small) and he liked a bigger, not-so-old house in a busy area of town where I don't want to live. We were in the midst of yelling when our agent called and said she was heading over for us to make a decision on this offer, and I just burst into tears at the situation. We don't want to pass on an offer, but there may be others since our house has been so well-liked. I want to be settled well before June, but I don't want to be this rushed. Besides, where would we go in a few weeks? Nothing is really catching our eye. It turned out the house James liked went under contract today and the one I liked does have a crappy yard.

We've done a lot of thinking tonight (and more arguing) and decided to up our price range. We can afford to put more down than we originally had decided and a house is such a great investment. We called a lender, got approved, and after another search, found what appears to be the PERFECT house in a neighborhood we love (we've seen other houses in it already). I am praying this house is still available tomorrow so we can go see it. It's only a couple years old, so no worries about structure stuff, and the internet tour is great. Obviously, you can't tell everything from the internet, but I know enough about the subdivision (and the fact it's new) to know it's awesome. We have to decide by 3:00 tomorrow whether or not to accept our current offer to sell, so I am hoping we can see this house in the morning and make an offer of our own. The house has a fenced yard, a garage, and it's in a good area near James's work. Perfect!!!

I am feeling so stressed and worried we'll make the right decision. I also hate that this situation is causing such problems in my marriage. James and I usually get along so well, but we're both tired from late nights working in the house, and we're frustrated and taking it out on each other. Also, I'm so emotional from hormones that I tend to over-react to everything he says. I'll be sure to update tomorrow and let you know if we take the peoples' offer. We don't want to accept unless we find somewhere to go by the end of the month.

Answer me this...

Would you rather have...

a new/newer smaller house, where everything is in awesome shape

--or--

an older, bigger house that might need some work (like maybe new appliances or tile, not structural work, but still stuff that takes time)

I can't decide if I want the ease of moving in something with new paint, florring and appliances or something bigger that we'll have to "update" which normally wouldn't be a big deal, but I'm impatient and like a typical pregnant woman, I'm feel strong urges to have things in order and moving is bad enough. Then again, more space is always good. What would you choose 'cuz I don't have a freaking clue. James wants size, I want something newer...

27

Today's my birthday. It doesn't feel like birthdays usually do because we are going so crazy getting the house ready. It's amazing how much work the "to do" from our agent has become. We have worked until midnight every night touching up paint, cleaning out closets, making many trips to our newly rented storage unit. I am so sleepy.

I know you aren't supposed to share your birthday wish, but I really just want to get this place sold and be moved before the little guy comes. We have someone coming to look at the house on Friday at 1:00. I know it's foolish to set my hopes on the first person to look, but her parents live up the street and she's already seen the outside of the house and likes that it's close to her parents, so hopefully if she likes the house, she'll put in an offer. *fingers crossed*

It's my blog and I can cry if I want to . . .

Still happy about the settlement, but . . .

I'm not sure that I've mentioned it, but I got the cold from hell sometime before Christmas and it hasn't completely left me yet. I've been coughing since then and it's been driving me nuts. Just when I thought it was a little better, I've caught something else. And nothing-- NOTHING-- on my approved medicines list is helping at all.

Last night though, I found something that definitely had an effect on me. It didn't clear my nose, but it kept me laying awake for nearly 4 hours last night. I was tired, but I absolutely could not fall asleep and my mind was racing from the stress of not being able to sleep and from everything else we've got going on. I couldn't stop thinking about the listings my real estate agent sent us, like this one: (too lazy to make pics the same size)

I tried to imagine how our furniture would fit in the houses we like and I was stumped over exactly what to do with 2 living rooms, as most houses we like seem to have. Who has a formal living room with 2 babies? I kept imagining whether having a pool would be totally awesome or too much work and a danger for kids and dogs. Still not sure...

I also thought about everything I need to do today to get ready for the realtor tonight. She's coming to look at our house and put a price tag on it. I'm worried she'll tell us to change a bunch of things, and I know I'll just cry if I have to worry about painting or re-arranging. It just seems like too much right now. James is already driving me nuts with everything he wants to do, which would have our house ready for the market sometime next year! I want this house sold and gone before the baby comes because it'll be so much harder after he's here. I won't be able to straighten up as easily, and there will be swings and bouncy seats out, not to mention-- where will all his clothes and things go? I don't want to worry about creating a nursery and finding a place to move James's office, further cluttering our house, just to move a month or so later.

Today, I really need to be working in the house, but all I want to do is lay on the couch. I can't freaking breathe! Even eating and drinking makes me gag because I'm breathing from my mouth and I can't when there's something in it. My nose is totally clogged. Did I mention that everytime I cough or sneeze, I pee? Yep. Even if I've just gone, which I can assure you was no more than 5 minutes before. I swear I got up at least twice an hour last night to pee. How many calories do you think I burned walking back and forth last night to the bathroom? My guess it, enough to order whipped cream at Starbucks today (that is, if I have the energy to go. A white mocha sounds so good right now).

If I was still teaching, this would be a day to pop in a grammar video and sit at my desk, detention slips ready to go for any student who continued talking after their 3rd warning. I so would've done that. It would've been quiet and I could've sat there and felt miserable. Instead, I'm spending my day with a hyper toddler, who I love to death, but who no doubt will have had me draw Santa Claus at LEAST 30 times before James comes home because that's still her favorite thing (we've tried to explain he's gone until next year, but she doesn't care). In fact, last night she held a wipe up to her chin, yelling, "Look, Mommy! Have white beard!" and in a low, funny voice, she said, "Merry Christmas!!!!" How's that for cute? We have a smart little girl! I'll probably spend my day changing the diaper of every single doll and stuffed animal in the house because as Olivia says, "It pooped again, Mommy! I'll get diaper!"

I'll leave you with this: would you buy a house with a pool? Before you say, "heck yes!!" be sure to think about safety issues and maintenance and all that. It sure would be neat to say, "Hey! Pool party at our house!"

Ok, off to pee and blow my nose. Again.

Uncomfortable

You might be thinking the title means I'm going to go on and on about how uncomfortable I am. It's true, I am. I have aches and pains like you wouldn't believe. I don't remember feeling so uncomfortable this early with Olivia, and at not quite 21 weeks, I can barely get out of the bed! My sciatic nerve is just plain evil and my legs hurt too. It hurts to bend over and I feel like I'm 85 years old. And I have months to go! Acutally though, there is something making me feel more uncomfortable than the this growing fetus, and it's finally approached. The time has come to settle from the accident nearly two years ago.

I suppose some people would have dollar signs in their eyes and be hoping for tons of money. Me? Sure I'd like some money, but I HATE the idea of sueing someone. Well, technically, we're sueing an insurance company, but I know I'd feel bad if someone was sueing MY insurance company as a result of ME, even if I did something completely stupid like pulled out without even looking, hit someone, and then concocted a story to try and make it look like their fault when they were 7 months pregnant with a totalled car. But seriously, I feel so guilty about the possibility of getting money out of a law suit, even if I totally deserve it. I do have permanent damage, I have lots of pain, and I'll probably need therapy and/or surgery later in life, yet I feel like I have to keep going over these facts so I feel less guilty about this whole process.

I've been praying for God's hand to guide this whole mess. I don't want to win anything that isn't legitimately deserved.

I'm also completely stressed about when this mess will be over and the back-and-forth fighting will be done. As of now, my lawyer has submitted all the paperwork and proposed an offer, so now we're waiting for the other company to agree or counter. They were supposed to let us know today, or at the latest, Monday. It's unlikely they'll cooperate and agree. I'm sure they'll counter with a sucky offer, and it'll go on and then maybe even go to trial. What a mess. You know, after the accident, as soon as I knew Olivia was alive and well in my belly, my next thought what a pain in my a$$ all this would end up being, and it sure has. We have outstanding medical bills, our health insurance is involved, my car insurance is involved. I spend sometimes hours a week on the phone arguing about bills and who is paying what and when we'll be able to pay and filling out forms and faxing things and mailing things. It's a freaking nightmare and I just want it to be over!!!

Confession

Ok, this is the "personal" post I've been waiting to type. I've kind of been putting it off because I think my feelings are silly, but I'm hoping you all can reassure me.

Ever since I found out I was having a boy, I've been having some uneasy feelings about raising a boy. I'm not at all disappointed it's a boy. It's nothing like that. I'll admit that I feel a little disappointed for Olivia because I love having a sister and I had visions of two little girls in their PJ's playing dolls together like I did with my sister. I'm somewhat mourning the fact that this fantasy won't happen (unless we were to have a third, but then I might want a brother for this little guy). I actually wanted a boy and knew I'd be just a little sad if I never had a son. I'm just not so sure how it'll be to have one.

A million people have told me how much easier boys are. That seems to be the automatic repsponse when I say I'm having a boy. I swear 10 people have told me in the last week. Is that true? If so, why? Personally, I don't understand guys really. I love my husband, but he's definitely a different breed than me. You know the cliche. Men are from Mars... I am a very sensitive, emotional woman and I don't understand manly sports-playing guys. James isn't like that, and not all guys are-- I just have trouble seeing myself with a very boyish boy. I keep envisioning some sex-crazed teenager who'd rather read dirty magazines than give his mother the time of day. (Even I think I sound ridiculous, but I have crazy hormones. Indulge me.) :-)

I'm also already feeling sad that once he gets married, he won't talk to me as much because he'll only care about his wife because of something someone said. A family friend, who has sons and daughters, told me quite frankly, "You will love having a son, but they only stay mommy's boys until they marry, but a girl will be your baby forever." Ack! Is this true? James doesn't talk to his mom as much as I talk to mine. My dad doesn't talk to his mom as much as my mom talks to hers. Maybe this is a little true?

I keep looking at boys stuff in stores and it just feels weird. Even my sister told me before my ultrasound that I'm the type of person who has daughters and she's the type that has sons. I nodded in agreement. I always saw myself with girls because it's all I grew up with. Again, I'm not disappointed. If someone gave me the option of having another girl instead, I would keep my baby boy, I'm just unsure what to do with a boy. I love artsy stuff. I like make-up and cooking. I've never watched a sports game in my life except when I dated a football player in high school and even then I had no idea what was going on. What do girly girls do with little boys?

I'm somewhat embarrased to admit to these feelings, but I know I'm not alone in my worries. I've heard other women express these concerns, and at the time, I remember thinking I'd feel the same way, and now, here I am.

Will it all fall into place? Will it feel natural? Maybe I should get one of those books on raising boys. Hey! That's a good point. Do they have these books about raising girls? I've never seen one. I guess mothers can pretty much figure out what to do with a daughter.

I can't wait to meet my little man. I already love him so much and I tell him all the time even though he can't hear me yet. I just hope he thinks I'm cool. :-) I'll go to every one of his games if he plays sports, and all his concerts if he likes music. I just feel a little unsure right now as to what it'll be like.

Questions about Circumcision

In my last post, I mentioned that I had something personal to discuss, and Chas guessed that maybe it was about circumcision. Although there's more I want to talk about, I was planning on addressing this "issue" soon.

Let me just say, I'm not even sure how I feel about circumcision. It's not something I've ever thought about before. I always assumed most guys are circumcized. It's not like I go around asking, but it seems like most men are. Lately though, I've been hearing more and more about it, and now I'm not so sure what to think now. I started thinking a little about it when I got pregnant, but I decided to address the issue if it became necessary, aka if I was having a boy. After my initial joy at finding out about my son, I thought, great, now I've got to think about circumcision. My friend A circumcized her first son, but really researched it with her second son and decided not to do it for him. She regrets having done it with her first son. I obviously want to read more about it, but I was hoping maybe those of you with sons could offer me some advice. If you don't have a son but still want to share an opinion, thanks! I appreciate it.

You'll get no judgment from me. I am undecided and no matter what I end up deciding, one of the most important things about circumcision is respecting parents' rights to make their own choices. I was almost hesitant to blog about this because I've heard people get so defensive and judgmental about it. Which makes me all the more nervous about making a choice.

Ok, here's what I want to know if you feel comfortable sharing.

1) What decision did you make regarding your son? (or what decision would you make?)

2) What brought you to that decision?

3) Did you do any research before deciding?

4) Are you happy with the choice you made?

I hope people aren't too hesitant to talk about this. I'd really appreciate any input from either side.

Losing My Mind

Lately, things have been stressful to say the least. There are times I think I'll simply lose my mind because of everything going on, and other times, I feel God's peace and I'm thankful for the blessings in my life-- and there are many.

My mom hasn't been doing so well. She's having trouble keeping up with her exercises and she's in terrible pain. I've watched people in my family have knee replacements before. There is a rare condition in my family that causes leg deformities (I'm not a carrier) so leg surgeries are nothing new, but my mom's was extremely complicated because of the severe nature of her deformities. From the outside, her legs have always looked fairly normal besides off-center knee caps, but inside, the bones are not formed properly and she's missing parts. It's going to be a long recovery.

My grandma finds out tomorrow whether or not she has cancer, pre-cancer, or something completely different. If she has cancer, I will be devestated. Few people I've ever known are as close to their grandmas as I am. I talk to her every single day. I see her several times a week, at least 4. I have never lived more than 15 minutes from her my entire life, no matter what state we were in. She is a second mother to me. I tell her everything. How many teenages do you know who talk to their grandmothers about their boyfriends? She has always been my advice giver. Seeing her with Olivia brings tears to my eyes. I know she has to go someday, but I'm not ready. She has to get to know this new baby. I am terrified. Please pray for her.

I'm trying to juggle family duties (and taking care of a high-maintenance toddler) and be a good organizer of my Christian mom's group. It's been a rough start, and although I have been diligent about not saying anything negative (besides on my blog) about the group I left (Karen's group), rumors are flying. It would take me a million years to get into everything, but I'm very confused and angry as to why our shared members (people who are in our group and Karens) have no problem with Karen talking about us behind our backs all the time (many people have told me what she says) yet people are mad at me and my co-organizer for, in their words, judging Karen. Because we left to start a Christian group, they think we must be judgmental of her and her group because it wasn't good enough. People will find fault in anything. It just makes me mad because my co-organizer and I have been so careful not to say anything negative about Karen or her group so we could keep a clean, Christian reputation, and it hasn't made any difference. People assume the worst anyway. We've been praying hard for our group, and things are better. The people who just wanted drama are gone, and the ones left are awesome, Christian moms with awesome kids. Before I end this topic, I have to say one thing that gave me just a little satisfaction, even if it's wrong to feel this way. Karen has tried hard to eliminate any group in the area but hers. I've heard her say things about other groups in the past, so I have no doubt she hates ours, too. She "coincidentally" schedules events at the same time as ours, and yesterday, she scheduled an event at the library at the same time as ours. We couldn't be sure she did it on purpose, but it's a safe bet. Well, when we got there, she was arguing with the library because she wanted her "usual" room, the one we were in. They explained that we booked it first, so really, by scheduling her event at the same time, she screwed herself out of her room. Maybe she learned something. I can proudly say that I've done nothing to hurt her or her group and I don't see it as a competition. I don't want her members. I left them for a reason. :-) If I only have a few members who are kind, drama-free people, I'll be thrilled.

I think all the stress and physical stuff I've been doing (cleaning, helping my mom, baking for friends and family, carrying heavy packages to the post office) has caused me to spot again. It's light, and there's no cramping or dark red blood. The doctor assures me all is well with the little one (and I think I'm feeling flutters maybe), but I know I'm doing too much. I wish I had a day to myself. Tomorrow night, I'm going with some friends to see "The Business of Being Born" hosted by our local birth network, so I'm excited about that. It might help me make some decisions about the birth I want this time.

In Olivia news, she is as funny as ever.

She insists regularly that she "pegnant" and says "Have beebee in my tummeeeee." She tells me she loves me all time time and that I'm pretty. Then she says, "eeeya (she calls herself this) pretty, too!" She calls Santa everyday on her pretend phone and tells him she wants a dolly. It makes me tear-up seeing her do all these things. Her vocabulary continues to amaze me. She's speaking better than most 2 year olds I know. The pediatrician assures us she's extremely advanced. :-) I just need to remind myself all kids learn at different paces and this next one might be totally different. I'm guessing that unlike Olivia, he/she will walk early and talk much later and be the total opposite.

We find out the sex in a week and a half. Don't forget to vote.

Well, that concludes this update. Time for bed...

Leaving the moms' group...

I'm not very good when it comes to confrontation. I consider myself opinionated because I have opinions on everything-- some stronger than others-- but I'm not an "in your face" kind of person who is quick to say what they think. I'm definitely hesitant to say something if I think it'll make someone uncomfortable or cause some sort of controversey. I can't help it. I wish I didn't care what people think so much, but I do. That's who I am.

So... you can imagine how uncomfortable I'm feeling about leaving my mom's group and trying to think of how to explain it to the leader, who I once considered a friend (we'll call her Karen). It's not that we had a falling out, or that I no longer consider her one, it's just that I realized that I'm not drawn to her and I don't want to be in her group. She's one of those "in your face" and "I say what I think" type of people, and I know it won't be as simple as me just leaving. She'll call, e-mail, and hound me unless we discuss it and I give her an explanation, particulary since I've been so active and was on the support committee and also an event host.

I want to leave the group because I found another I like more, but it's not that simple. A few of the moms who were in Karen's group left and started their own, along with a few moms who weren't in the other group. This new group is a Christian based group, which is great, but besides that, I see there being less drama and I just like these moms better. The ones who left Karen's group really didn't worry about leaving because they weren't friends with her, but she's been really nasty about them leaving, talking about them and saying nasty things. Very immature. The thing is, even though they didn't have to, they were really kind and respectful about leaving Karen's group. They told her that they wanted something Christian, etc and gave her NO room to get pissy, but she was anyway. It's ridiculous. You'd think she had a copyright on mom's groups or something.

The main reasons why I want to leave are:

-- Karen's moms group is obsessed with sex parties. Apparently, besides selling make-up and tupperware, you can sell sex toys, and suddenly half the moms are representatives. You can imagne all the parties they are having selling stuff. I have nothing against sex toys. I have a problem with this: Strangely enough, it was offensive to many for several of us moms to meet for a bible study, but sex toy parties are all the rage. I'm also sick of reading about people's sex lives on the message board. There are around 200 members, and I think it's immature to write about your sex life for that many people to read.

-- There are WAY too many people. Having 200 people in one group makes it hard to get to know anyone, and the Christian group already has people in it that I know well and really like.

-- Some of the moms are trashy in Karen's group. That may not sound nice, but it's true. There is a lot of drama because people don't have the social skills or tact to keep their mouths shut. I've heard moms cuss in front of their kids (and other people's kids) plenty of times. You just don't do that. A lot of them are big drinkers too. They all want to go out to bars together. I say grow up. You can have a much nicer evening (in my opinion) having a nice dinner together and just venting and relaxing.

-- I think the major kicker here is Karen's reaction to the new group being started. No one stepped on her toes. The moms who started the new group were so respectful and even made a point of telling the moms who joined their group that they were welcome to stay in Karen's group too (and some have). They were tactful and mature about it, Karen wasn't.

-- Karen and her "assistant organizer" seem to get some power trip by having this group. I initiated starting an adult's only book club (I now am hosting one for the new group) and somehow, Karen stole the reigns from me, brought her daughter who completely trashed Olivia's nursery, and now has dominated it. I haven't had anything to do with it since the first meeting, and I started it. My friend started a Bunco group because the current one in the group was full, and somehow all of Karen's friends managed to be in the new Bunco group AS WELL AS the old one. Karen completely took it over. I don't want an organizer like that.

So, now all I have to do is get up my nerve and tell Karen I want out. I just don't want to give her a reason to talk trash about me. I am entitled to be in whatever group I want, and I know I shouldn't care what she thinks. I just don't want to burn any bridges with a few friends still in Karen's group because I know she'll probably be pissed when I leave.

There's also a part of me that will miss being in such a major group in town. No more discounts at local shops, and no more being in the newspaper (Olivia and I have been in a few local publications). But I think it will be worth it. I can give up the perks to be in a better group of women. I just wish I had some balls so I could tell her what I really think of her group. :-) How honest should I be?

Crunchy Enough?

I was thrilled when Chas posted about the crunchy mom because it totally opened the door for the dilemna I'm having.

As you know (I mentioned it last week), I am interested in becoming a LLL leader, but I'm having some concerns about fitting in with some of the more ardent AP mamas. I am all for breastfeeding and its benefits, and based just on that aspect, I think I'd love to be a leader. However, although LLL only takes a stance on BFing, many of the moms who attend meetings are just as passionate about other aspects of parenting-- aspects that I'm not so big on.

You may be thinking, so what? But get a group of AP (Attachemnt Parenting) moms in a room who are going on and on about vaccines, natural births, co-sleeping, baby wearing, etc and suddenly, it matters a lot when you become the odd mom out. And the thing is, I do tend to lean towards the crunchy side, but maybe not enough to
"fit in". I co-sleep (although not for the reasons some of them do since I didn't set out to do it). I do cloth diaper and feed Olivia organic and all that, but the difference is, I pick and choose what works for me and I have nothing against someone who makes another choice. I wouldn't make someone feel inferior for a different choice and I think some of the extreme AP moms are judgemental when they don't mean to be, like the mom in Chas's entry. I really related to that.

As a leader for LLL, I'd be looked at as a role model, and if I choose to have an epidural with my next baby, I think they would judge me harshly, and then I would feel uncomfortable. I wish I was one of those people who could simply choose to disregard their opinions, but I'm not. And how can I be a leader when in the back of their minds they're thinking I should be more like them? I like the idea of natural birth, but I'm not sure I'll do it next time. I don't know if I have the strength or determination, although in a perfect world, I'd like to be able to go natural. Some of the moms believe in homebirths. While I have no problem with their choice, it's not one I'd make.

If I'm taking a position as a leader in a group of women who are very AP oriented, will they respect me if I do not subscribe to their beliefs? I mean, come on! I have a stroller in my trunk. The horror! I do "wear" Olivia sometimes, but I use my stroller more often than I use my sling.

I am a little crunchy, but am I crunchy enough to be a LLL leader? And just to clarify, LLL is ONLY about BFing. It's the moms I'm worried about because we talk about everything. I don't think I could be a leader and admit to the group that I'd had yet another evil epidural when we have another baby. I don't think I could stand the silence that would inevitably follow my admission.

I talked to James about it, but he gave a one dimensional male repsonse and quite plainly said, "then don't apply to be a leader." But we all know that as a woman, that's not enough! I want to obsess about all the possibilities and look at it from all angles. Is it a black/white issue? How would I handle feelng like I was maybe being judged?

I can

a) apply to be a leader because I care about what LLL stands for (although there are books on more aspects of AP than just BFing on their website)

b) not apply to keep from being judged and feeling akward.

c) I'm sure there's another option!

It seems to me that there are so many debates between women. Work or be a SAHM. Practice AP or let your kid cry it out. Buy Organic or save money. Isn't true feminism about choices and making the ones best for you? That doesn't mean that we don't all think what we choose is best, because obviously, we have reasons why we choose what we choose.

I just want to hear your thoughts. You all are awesome and wonderful and I hope you having something wise and enlightening to say! :-)

Because I can't think about anything else right now (TMI to follow)

Ok, so the doctor said no bladder surgery until after I'm done having babies. That could be several years. We know we want to try to #2 before the new year, but I could see us trying for a 3rd within a few years after that if we decide to have 3. I think at this point it depends on our financial situation at the time. Anyway, I can't wait that long, but I hate to have a surgery that will be undone with another birth. That's just crazy.

However, I was so busy last night at the book club making pot after pot of coffee (note to self: buy a carafe) and serving dessert (I decided on peach cobbler because my parents happened to bring me some peaches so it made good sense) that I didn't stop to go to the BR. I was also in charge of leading the discussion. Then one of my candles burned part of my wall, and I had to deal with that. Luckily, enough of the black came off that you wouldn't really notice. Needless to say, I was busy. It didn't feel like I really had to go that much, but when the night ended and I went to change clothes, my Poise pad was SOAKED. I can't do this for years. I'm peeing right and left. It isn't just an, "oops! I sneezed and out came a few dribbles." It's much worse. What will I do when I'm pregnant? I guess then I might be a little less embarrassed because it's pretty much a cliche that women have trouble holding it, but I'm not even pregnant, and I'm a leaky faucet. I woke up this morning, and as soon as I sat up, WHOOSH! This is awful!

I don't want to have surgery more than once, but might it be worth it not to be peeing my pants all the time? What would you do? Have surgery and risk having it again, or just stay padded and deal with it? If you really think about it, just dealing with it is easier said than done. It's a big incovenience. We 're planning a possible beach trip and I've already thought about what to do when I'm in my baithing suit and don't want to wear a bulky pad. I'm *so* frustrated!

Books and Boobs

Am feeling v. happy!

There's a house for sale in our neighborhood, so I called the number on the sign and pretended to be in the market for a new home so I could find out the asking price. I was thrilled to learn that we've aquired some equity! Now if I could only pay off the new heater and air conditioner we put in so I can actually keep the equity when we sell our house. We've been thinking about moving lately. Just thinking. And talking. Not planning. We want another child, but I know I'd like to enjoy having more money each month (less cooking for me!) and I'd hate to have a bigger mortgage. Hmmm... something to think about. And moving is such a pain. I'm getting anxious just thinking about it. :-)

My aunt and uncle are visiting us this week. They last saw Olivia when she was 7 months old, so she's a completely different baby now. Walking and talking, and she's been giving them hugs and kisses. I like that she doesn't give open-mouthed kisses like so many babies. She gives nice, dry normal smooches and I love them. I'll often pretend to cry just to get a smile and a kiss (she knows I'm kidding).

I am impatiently waiting for Harry Potter to arrive. Am@zon hasn't even sent it out yet. I may have to attack someone with a hack saw. I WANT MY HARRY POTTER BOOK AND I WANT IT NOW! I am DYING to find out how it all ends. I just hope this one is better than the last. I wasn't that impresses with the last one. In the meantime, I've found the cutest series: the "No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency". I'm only on the first in the series, but I'm already hooked. It's about a woman in Botswana who opens her own detective agency with the money from the sale of her father's cattle after his death. I like that it's in Africa because the cultural info is interesting.
I like that it has words like lekker and biltong. Good old South African words (I am so totaly obsessed). I love reading words spelled in the Bristish fashion. Words like "organised" and "neighbour". Very cool. It doesn't read like a typical mystery. It's a lot lighter, perfect for tired Mamas like me who can barely focus on a book by the time their stubborn baby is asleep.

I also ordered Olivia a book called, "Breastmilk Makes My Tummy Yummy" to which James asked, "Isn't that a bit weird?" My repsonse? A very mean look and "Absolutely not!" I think it's great! Breastfeeding is awesome and amazing and this book is the cutest. It even has a picture of a baby nursing from a "boof" on the front. She may not understand the book now, but someday, when I nurse her brother or sister, we can read the book together and she'll understand how special it is.

Speaking of BF, I was at a breastfeeding moms' playgroup yesterday, and I learned of a campaign called ban the bag. It's interesting. Check it out. I have mixed feelings. If you are formula feeding, it's very helpful I suppose, but it might sway some people toward bottles who are undecided. I know how much I wanted to nurse, but when I couldn't get Olivia to latch on, the bag, with all its samples, started to look good, but I resisted the urge. In that sense, they were a bad influence, yet I was glad to have samples. I gave them to my friend and she was grateful. I think we need to be pro-breast but not anti-formula either. Some people need to formula-feed and some want to and will regardless of what you tell them, so why not give them something free to feed their baby? Just thinking out loud (you know what I mean). I like to talk about BF with these ladies, but I think the judgement is wrong. They can be pleased with their choice, and be passionate about it, without ridiculing others. That really bothers me.

Now for a completely off topic question. Seen any good movies lately? My Netfl!x queue is seriously lacking.

What are those doing in my cart?

Each time I go grocery shopping and have to buy more of these, I try to hide them under the other stuff on my cart because I don't anyone to see them. When I check out, I'm always conscious of what the check out person might be thinking. A 26 year old girl buying incontinence pads. Maybe I'm not alone? Please tell me I'm not.

Ever since having Olivia, I've had a little trouble with bladder control. No biggie. It happened so seldom that I never thought much of it, but now it's become a much bigger problem. I went to see my OBGYN last week, and he examined me and said he thinks the tissue that tightens to close my urethra is torn or at least has been pulled pretty loose, which means I have a bit of a dribbling problem. It's a result of my very large baby coming out my hoo-hoo and somehow in the process, something was torn. I need surgery to fix it (it's easy to fix) but the doctor thinks I should wait until I'm done having babies because it could very well happen again.

In the meantime, I need some protection in the way of pads to catch any dribbling. It's not caused by coughing or sneezing. It just kind of makes its way out at random moments. The OBGYN warned that I may have some major incontinence issues during my next pregnancy, so please, don't say anything funny! I'm a little scared because I don't want to embarrass myself. It seems like all the crazy things happen to me.

I've heard that this isn't that uncommon, but I can't say I know anyone else who has this. But it's not like you'd go around telling everyone either. I'm just trying to keep in mind that this can be fixed at some point, and until then, I'll just need back-up!

As long as I'm not needing to share pull-ups with my daughter, I should be in good shape.

What are those doing in my cart?

Each time I go grocery shopping and have to buy more of these, I try to hide them under the other stuff on my cart because I don't anyone to see them. When I check out, I'm always conscious of what the check out person might be thinking. A 26 year old girl buying incontinence pads. Maybe I'm not alone? Please tell me I'm not.

Ever since having Olivia, I've had a little trouble with bladder control. No biggie. It happened so seldom that I never thought much of it, but now it's become a much bigger problem. I went to see my OBGYN last week, and he examined me and said he thinks the tissue that tightens to close my urethra is torn or at least has been pulled pretty loose, which means I have a bit of a dribbling problem. It's a result of my very large baby coming out my hoo-hoo and somehow in the process, something was torn. I need surgery to fix it (it's easy to fix) but the doctor thinks I should wait until I'm done having babies because it could very well happen again.

In the meantime, I need some protection in the way of pads to catch any dribbling. It's not caused by coughing or sneezing. It just kind of makes its way out at random moments. The OBGYN warned that I may have some major incontinence issues during my next pregnancy, so please, don't say anything funny! I'm a little scared because I don't want to embarrass myself. It seems like all the crazy things happen to me.

I've heard that this isn't that uncommon, but I can't say I know anyone else who has this. But it's not like you'd go around telling everyone either. I'm just trying to keep in mind that this can be fixed at some point, and until then, I'll just need back-up!

As long as I'm not needing to share pull-ups with my daughter, I should be in good shape.

Coveting=bad

I've been struggling lately with wanting a bigger house, a bigger SUV with a 3rd row, new clothes, new furniture, wanting, wanting, wanting. It's so easy to get caught up in wanting the latest of everything because that's how our society is. We want the newest, best, latest of anything available. Well, most of us anyway. I've really felt God laying something on my heart lately; that what I already have is sufficient, period. We gave up alot for me to quit my job. We've cut back, which means we don't go out to eat like we used (I've started cooking almost every night). I've decided that our mismatched bedroom furniture will have to do for now. Just because there's better out there doesnt't mean I need to have it.

But it's hard. I'm used to buying what I want, traveling, and eating out a lot. It's been a hard transition, but so worth it. I've been doing well with these changes, but then a couple weeks ago, I attended a bridal shower at this beyond incredible, gorgeous house, and I felt the pang of jealousy rearing it's ugly head. I have to accept that's it going to happen from time to time, but I always try to thank God for His blessings and pray that I'll feel more appreciative of what I have. Compared to many, we are rich beyond means. We own our own home, have two nice cars, and the traveling can wait.

I hate that I struggle with this. It makes me so mad at myself. I am such a shopaholic, and I need to resist the urge. I don't even buy stuff for myself, I just want to buy everything for Olivia. I have to remind myself that Olivia is 15 months old and she doesn't care. She's be happy with a plastic spoon and bowl! Besides, she has more toys that she could ever need.

Oh well, I guess this is part of being a one-income family. But I know it's the right choice for us. I just have to keep reminding myself of this.

Do you still talk to your ex?

We were watching "Only You" the other night and when we got to the scene where Faith hears Damon Bradley paged at the airport, I again thought about how totally random and weird it was to see my ex.

He asked me a few times to e-mail him and keep in touch. It wouldn't mean anything if I did e-mail him. It would be out of curiousity and interest, the same reason I keep in touch with other friends from high school. The guy may have had his tongue down my throat at one time, but James is the light of my life, the only star in my sky. He has nothing to worry about. But he asked me the other day if I planned to e-mail Doug, and before I could answer, he said, "I don't think you should. I mean, why would you?" Um, because I'm nosy and curious?

I'm wondering, what would you do? It is a black/white issue? Is there a gray area when it comes to talking to an ex? Does it depend entirely on what your spouse thinks? Would you care?

Perhaps I'm a total hypocrite because I wouldn't EVER want James to contact an ex, but girls are different. James has had a couple crazy girls bugging him since we got married (one whom he had recently broken up with when we met) and another from high school who obsessively contacted him after she divorced.

I just thought this might be an interesting topic to discuss. Have at it! And while you're at it, have you ever Googled your ex or looked for him on MySpace? Come on, you know you have!!!!!!

Update

Just a quickie!

-- Everyone has been really cool (and even supportive) about the whole nursing thing. What a relief! Good thing too since Olivia has wanted "boof" more than usual.

-- I feel like God has really worked on me here. I'm realizing some things about myself, like:

>I am too anal retentive. Kids can get dirty!
>I want to have friends and family over more. His family is so laid back. People are always coming by.
>I want to cook more like I used to. I've learned so many new recipes!
>I am more judgemental than I'd like to be. Different can be good.

--Olivia vocabulary is explosive! So many new words! (teeth, doggy, people's names, etc)

--My MIL paid for me to get highlights!!!! They are so natural and I feel great! :)

Off to eat lunch and shop. Tons of pics when I get back!

Blah

I've been feeling really down about myself lately. It's a combination of things, really. First, I tried on dozens of pants the other day, none of which seemed to fit or look good even though I chose the next size up from what I wore pre-pregnancy, AND, even though I've lost all the weight, I came home empty handed (except for a few shirts and a skirt). I badly need a tummy tuck. That's what it all comes down to. I hate these low-rise pants that are EVERYWHERE because they don't fit me well. I end up having a muffin top of loose skin, and then I just want to cry. I dread trying on clothes because I know I'll feel depressed, so I end up wearing the same things over and over again, which makes me feel worse. I just can't win! I want to feel sexy again. I hate seeing myself naked in the mirror. The other night, I looked longingly at my lingerie collection and tried to remember the last time I'd worn something from that section of the closet. I honestly couldn't remember. I used to buy lingerie for every occasion, sometimes just for fun, and now, I'd die before I put on something so skimpy to try to look sexy. I just want to feel sexy again. I loved what I wore last night to the wedding. It was a black and blue wrap around dress, but when I came out of the bathroom, James commented that it looked like a maternity dress because it tied just under the bust. I had worried about the same thing. I know he meant nothing by it. He even told me how hot I looked many times, but that comment killed it. Men can be so clueless. So the rest of the night, I was so conscious of looking pregnant. I tried to suck in my tummy whenever I remembered, just in case, but I'm sure after a few trips through the buffet line, I was looking quite pregnant! But it was oh so worth it! What yummy food. I meant to take pictures, but I forgot my camera. We almost didn't make it to the wedding we were running so late.

Then today, we packed away the pack 'n play, which was long overdue. We still used the changing table, but hadn't put her inside it in ages. I also packed away all the burp cloths that were folded neatly in a basket on Olivia's dresser. I looked at all of them, with their embroidery, and thought about how I'll never use them again. Maybe some of them we will, if we have another girl that is, but not the ones with her name. And it made me feel sad. It's all passing so quickly.

This trip also has me stressed. We leave at 4:00 am Tuesday morning, and I know it's going to be tough on Olivia, and on us too. We had to fly at odd hours to get this good deal, so it's worth it. Otherwise, we wouldn't have been able to afford it, but I'm worried she's going to scream on the plane. Also, it takes a lot of work to prepare to travel with a baby, and I've been doing most of it. James has been busy with work and classes, so it's been left up to me. I booked the tickets, the rental car, went out and bought extra infant medications, more Q-tips-- stuff that James wouldn't think of. I've been making lists, picking out outfits for Olivia, deciding what clothes will be easy to nurse in on the plane. I've just been so tired lately, so the details are bothering me.

Then there's the extended nursing I blogged about a few posts back. Olivia anounced at the wedding reception that she wanted "boof!" (mommy's boobies) and my dad said it might be time to wean. I didn't think much of it, but then later last night, Olivia bit me, and I yelled "ouch!" which made her cry, and James said he thought maybe she was getting too old. It just made me feel sad because I felt like I no longer had the main person who's been in my corner about this. We talked about it, and he explained that he thinks it's good that I am, but that it would also be fine if I stopped, especially if she's biting. I told him I wasn't ready to stop, because she wasn't, and he said he thinks I should continue then. It just got me worrying all over again that the person I hoped would be on my side on this trip now might not be, and I don't want people to pressure me. I'm not good about telling people to back off!

Finances have also been an issue lately after a few home repairs, so I decided I need a break from all the stress. Me and my visa when to the salon where I treated myself to a spa pedicure, while I sat and sipped a Chai frap from St@rbucks and flipped through a M@rtha Stewart Living magazine. Paradise. So worth it. Now I have pretty feet!

I'm trying to look at this trip as a break, but it never really is when you bring a baby, is it? Also, my mom sees Olivia every day, and she's going to be sad without her for 8 days. I feel sad that my mom is sad. Ah, too much sadness. I need to perk up.

On a good note, the wedding was lovely. They are family friends, probably around 60. They both lost their spouses in the last few years, and they just praised God over and over again for bringing them together. He talked about how much he loved her and what a fine woman she was. It was just beautiful.

Tonight, my grandma and I made dinner for my family to help out my parents since they moved this weekend. My parents live next to a horse farm, so we walked Olivia down to see the horses. Her mouth dropped she was so amazed, and then she pointed and yelled, "hos!" There are horses in her books, but she hasn't seen too many real ones, but she said it over and over again, so she definitely knew what they were. When my dad asked her what she saw on the walk, she said, "hos!" So cute!

Tomorrow I have stroller exercise, errands, and lots of packing. We're going to watch the season finale of "The Tudors" which means no more hottie Henry for a while, but I've got my hottie hubby, so I'll be ok. :)

My favorite shows ever

Lately, I've been watching the complete series of various shows, both old and new. Of course, it's taking me time (usually when Olivia is napping on me). We have Netflix (love it!) and I've been picking a show and watching all the epiodes-- mostly shows that have already ended. The one I'm in the middle of now was one of my favorites as a young teen, "Road to Avonlea", or "Avonlea" as it was called on the Disney Channel here. The show originally aired in Canada. I love this show! It's so innocent... graceful, simple, funny, and gentile.. none of that cheating, divorce, sexpot crap that I watch on more current shows (which I admit, is also v. interesting). I think this has got to be my favorite series ever. With that said, I want to know your top 3 favorite series ever.

I'd say mine are:

1. ROAD TO AVONLEA

2. SIX FEET UNDER

3. GREY'S ANATOMY

but not far behind are "Sex and the City" which I put off watching for so long because I thought it was too dirty, but when I gave in (thanks, R) I found it wasn't so bad and really pretty funny. I also love "Nip/Tuck" but it's become a little too off the wall for me. I'm sure there are more, but I can't think of them. I have a baby girl pulling on my foot.

Time to run. I've got food pics to post later, but until then, what are your 3 favorite shows, ever? Maybe there's something I'm missing. After I finish this series (when Netflix decides to carry the 7th season), I don't have anything lined up. *sniff*

Choices Parents Make

As much I am ashamed to admit it, before I had Olivia, I was more likely to give to an animal charity than one that helps children. I had a bigger heart for animals because I had no children and only dogs. When Hurricane Katrina devestated New Orleans, I wept more over lost pets and homeless animals than I probably did for the children. I shutter to think about it. It's not that animals aren't important-- of course they are worth weeping over, but in the scheme of things, people certainly matter more. I suppose I couldn't relate to the heartache of losing a child, but I knew how I'd feel if something were to happen to my precious dogs. Now, there's no question. I still care about dogs, but if a child is in trouble, I can't stand it. I think all moms are like this, because we wonder, "what if...?"

I am forever shocked my the choices that some parents make. We are all different, and I realize we all parent differently, which is wonderful when those differences come from this core belief: that we are doing what we think is best. I am always pleased to learn something from a friend who parents differently from me. My ways are not always right. I felt I needed to say that, because there's always some condescending commenter who feels the need to criticize and what I'm going to say might provide an opportunity. Like last time, when I wrote about how dirty some kids in my moms' group are, someone felt the need to say "but God loves them". Yes, he does, but that's not exactly the point I was making. Did that need to be said? I know God loves them, and thank goodness He does because it doesn't seem as if their parents are trying all that hard.

I posted several weeks back about the new friend I made while walking and how comfortable I felt with her. I'll admit, I'm not as drawn to her now that I know her, and the way she treats her child is just awful. He's not even 1 and she tells him to "shut up" in a mean voice, and when he wants to be picked up, she yells, "get off of me!" She doesn't feed him enough, and I've tried to help without completely sticking my nose in, but I also don't want to stand by and do nothing. I don't think it's bad enough to report, but it's still quite shocking. She's had a bad life, and at first, I made excuses for her, saying that she just didn't know better and that it was sad. But I think any parent with an ounce of sense knows to feed their child more than every 6-8 hours. Come on! He's not skinny or anything, which surprises me, but she admits she's not good about feeding him! She has money to smoke, but not for formula. And she won't join WIC because she doesn't want to rely on the govt, which I respect, but I think most (and hopefully all) taxpayers wouldn't mind supplying her helpless baby with milk. She's fine with mooching off me and a few other friends. There are several people who have been really kind about helping her. I just don't understand what's wrong with people!!!!

Just this last week, a mother was arrested in my town for leaving two young children unattended in a poop-infested trailer. The kids were filthy. Everytime I hear stories like this, I think about friends who desperately want children who would make wonderful parents. I had a co-worker friend who just adopted a beautiful baby girl. She used to look at some of our students and comment how unfair it was that their parents didn't take care of them. She wanted kids badly and would've done a wonderful job. I'm so glad she has that chance now.

Then there's the current story about the missing little girl. Quite frankly, I'm not sure why parents would leave three toddlers unattended in a hotel room in a foreign country to go out to dinner with friends. We all make mistakes, but that's just crazy. I am so worried the child won't be found alive. The reward is so big that if she were, surely someone would've returned her to claim it. I can't imagine how those parents must feel with their child missing.

I know we all make mistakes as parents. I'm definitely still learning! There are things I do that I want to kick myself for: thinking Olivia couldn't roll far enough to go off the bed, cutting her finger when clipping her nails, getting soap in her eyes. And I know I'll make far worse mistakes. These things happen. But it's the gross cases of neglect that have me wondering, what goes through these parents' minds? And don't tell me they don't know any better. No one thinks it's ok to let kids play in poop. How can parents look into the eyes of their children and not want to do everything possible to make them happy?

So I think I've covered all the bases. I'm not perfect. I screw up. We all are different. Different is good. Neglect is bad. I'm not trying to judge. I'm just expressing heartache over these situations.

Finding Comfort in the Mundane

Is it really sad that when Olivia slept today (for a whole 20 mins), I found serenity in cutting coupons? Since my life has turned into this constant frenzy, there's just something calming about doing mundane things. Reading used to be my escape, but now it feels like it just requires too much brain power, which I usually don't have. Now, I find refuge in silly things like cleaning, making lists, and coupon cutting! I think these tasks give me a sense of control. My house is messier than it's ever been and I seldom have time to do anything, so I feel great satisfaction when I vaccuum or do laundry. It's not even about getting things accomplished really, it's more about the fact that they are simple, mindless tasks and I feel like I can unwind when I do them.

And while I'm sounding crazy, I have a question. Do any of you moms ever get to go to the bathroom alone? I suppose if you work you do, but I don't think I've gone to the bathroom alone in months. I always have to bring Olivia, and even when James is home, Olivia screams "mama! mama!" and rather than waiting a minute, he often brings her in. And even when she doesn't come in, I can hear her screaming for me on the other side of the door, so I never am alone!

No wonder I find comfort in mindless things. I can't even potty without holding a baby on my lap, or stopping her from eating toilet paper if she's on the floor!

Do blondes really have more fun?

I've been blonde(ish) all my life. Like many kids, when I was little, it was more of a platinum blonde and as I got older, it became more of a dark blonde. I always had golden highlights in the summer, and then in the winter, it would go back to a dirty blonde. Then, a couple years ago, I got some lighter highlights put in, which I had always wanted but put off for ages because I didn't want to keep up with it. I never got anything too drastic so I could let them grow out without looking too awful.

Fast forward to now. My hair is awful. The new growth since having a baby is so freaking dark! Some parts are almost dark brown, making the old highlights look really bad. I need to get it re-touched, but it's expensive and I just don't want to keep up with it. I've got to do something though because my hair is nasty. What to do?

Here's where you come in. I need advice (or assvice as some like to call it). Most of you don't see me in person, so I need help deciding what to do from pictures!

I am thinking about buying the color in the box in a light brown and just evening all my hair out. No streaks. No dark top, light bottom crap. Just even color througout, even if it will mean I'm no longer blonde. I can't imagine myself not blonde, but this new growth is so dark! What I wish is that my hair hadn't changed colors, but it has, so I must make the best of it.

Have you used the dye in the box? Did it work? What's a good brand? The last time I used a boxed dye was in 7th grade (obviously a long time ago!). More importantly, has anyone had success with the highlights in the box? This is another option, although I've only heard horror stories.

I'm just not sure what to do, and I want something low-maintenance. My hair grows so fast these days with the pre-natals and breastfeeding, and professional highlights just grow out too fast. I don't want to fork out $150 every two months. I just can't justify it.

My hair last year with highlights:

This is a couple months ago. I usually have my hair up, but this one shows you how long it is.

Hope this is enough to go on. Olivia has just started throwing a tantrum and is desperately trying to close my computer. Pooh!

Edited to add: Perhaps if I wasn't blonde, I wouldn't do such ditzy things like not screwing my gas cap on properly, resulting in my poor husband having to take my car in very early in the morning only to be told that his wife can't put a gas cap on correctly. Yes, that's why the "service engine soon" light was on. Because of my gas cap. I'm truly an idiot. Luckily I have a very understanding husband who found the whole thing quite funny!

boring old me

I dress very plainly. I've been noticing that lately. The other day, I was folding my laundry, and every.single.thing I folded was solid, dark colored, and plain.

I used to wear patterns and fun colors, and accessories. I was all about accessorizing. What has happened to me? I'd say it's because I had a baby, but I really don't think so. I stopped really fixing myself up a few years ago when I put on about 20 pounds. That when I think I started to have issues with my self image and maybe didn't try quite as hard.

I always wear the same earrings for one thing. I didn't used to. The same, plain diamond studs. They don't have special meaning or anything (they're actually from an ex, but why waste diamonds?). I wear the same necklace every day, too. My hair is usually pulled back in some boring old twist because it's so long and it gets on my nerves. Also, I need to touch up highlights that I can't really afford. Ask my friends. Rebecca used to steal my hair bands when we taught together so I couldn't put my hair up. MF always notices and compliments me when my hair is down because she says it's always up. I have long hair that most people tell me is really pretty, so why don't I leave it down? Laziness? Not sure.

I rarely wear my fun shoes. All my pointy-toed shoes-- the ones James calls my "elf shoes"-- I rarely wear them. My cute flats I wear sometimes, but lately I've been opting for boring old black flip-flops (which make me nervous because of my injured toe. Posted about this on other blog).

I am a plain Jane. I'm just realizing this. I want to be one of those women that's all put together, but instead, I'm boring. I have so little confidence, and I know I'd feel so much better if I made more of an effort, so why don't I? I have all the stuff (well, some of it doesn't quite fit, but I'm working on it!) I have all the accessories though. Cute jewelry from Frock Candy, Express, New York & Co. I just don't wear it.

We're going to Savannah* in a couple weeks. I should really take the time to plan out cute skirts and things. I'd feel more sexy, and I haven't felt that way in a long time.

*I will e-mail those of you who said you've been to Savannah so I can get some suggestions. :-)

Sometimes it's good to be different . . .

How do you feel about being friends with people who are VERY different from you?

They say diversity is good . . . Yes, this is something I believe. Those of you who read me regularly know that I am v. interested in other cultures, but we're not always drawn to people who are very different from us. What happens when someone has completely different morals or values than you? Can you be good friends?

I feel like I'm too quick to judge people. And don't worry, I'm not reading your blogs and judging. I love my blogger friends! It's just that lately, I've noticed myself looking at some of the moms in my moms' group and thinking: I could never be friends with her. I don't know why I do it, but there are some things that just seem *so* different. There's this one lady who seems to want to be friends, but she's weird, and it bothers me. I'd never be rude to someone, ever, but she doesn't even believe women should wear pants. And she wears her hair in a bun with a net. I don't want to debate the fundamental differences of Christianity here or have anyone tell me which bible verses to consult, I'm just expressing my thoughts on my blog and telling you that I don't feel drawn to someone who dresses like they live in 1850. I can't help it and I wish I didn't feel that way.

At the opposite extreme, I have a friend who completely sleeps around. I really like her, but our values are so very different. In some ways, I worry she brings me down. It's not my place to tell her what to do, but I'm always thinking about it. I could never tell her (and she doesn't know I have a blog!), so what to do???

There are some differences that are wonderful and easy to accept:
I grew up surrounded by people different from me: friends in the neighborhood, people at school, etc. I loved it! My best friend from Maryland, Entsar, is first generation American. Her parents are from Africa and she's Muslim, yet we have a lot in common in terms of interests and we just "click", although technically, our backgrounds are very different. We worked with students with mental retardation in high school and spent many hours shopping and laughing! I love her to death. She can make me laugh like few others can! She truly has a heart of gold. Our differences really don't matter.

I've never thought of myself as someone who is judemental, but as someone who's trying to expand her circle of "Mommy" friends, I'm realizing that maybe I'm not as open-minded as I once thought. But aren't we all that way? I think it's natural to tend to surround yourself with people like you. And it's weird, because I love hanging out with my gay friend B and his man. They are awesome! And different from me (obviously since I'm not gay, but if you count the fact both B and I sleep with men, we aren't so different afterall!) :-)

Do you have friends who are VERY different? Do you tend to gravitate towards people who are like you or do you embrace people who are VERY different? Would it be hard if a friend led a lifestyle you completely disagreed with or couldn't relate to?

*This is an open and honest post about my feelings!!! Please, only respectful comments. That doesn't mean you have to always agree with everything I post, but there's never a reason to be nasty.

Sighting (my personal story)

Having a blog is a bit like those dreams where you show up at school naked. You're exposing yourself-- opening yourself up for others to judge and critique. And I think if I was completely anonymous like some bloggers, I'd have an easier time, but I always have to consider the real life family and friends who may be reading, and even then I often open up and tell more than I maybe should. There's something I've considered revealing, but have avoided for a few reasons. First of all, the people who know me in real life may think it's odd that I've never told them, and secondly, it's something that hasn't really affected me, not really. And I don't think about it that often. I was raised not to. And other times, I simply forget until something-- a memory, a possible sighting, something-- makes me remember again.

Ok, so I was adopted by my father when I was seven years old. My mom divorced my biological father when I was four or so because he was horrible to her. My mom is a very Christian woman who has always been ashamed of having been divorced, and especially, of having married a man she didn't see through from the start. She left him when my sister and I were little, and after the divorce, she met someone else. We were about to move to Maryland from Georgia to get away from my biological dad, who only had partial custody of us (he fought for full, but only to get back at my mom), and my mom maintained a long distance relationship with the man she had met. He came to see us often when we were in Maryland. They were very proper about their relationship. He always stayed at my grandma's when he came to visit, and never with my mom, until he proposed to her and they got married. Then he moved into our house in Maryland and became our new dad. It didn't start out that way. We called him by his first name for the first year, but we so desperately wanted a father. My step-dad (I hate even calling him that, but I am trying to differentiate) didn't push it. It was my sister and I who started calling him dad. We sort of eased into it. I remember us daring each other to call him "Daddy" and then we'd run away, giggling and embarrassed. We were silly little girls. Anyway, that's how he became our dad.

Let me back up. After we moved, we maintained little contact with my biological father. We saw him sometimes in the summer, when we returned to Georgia to visit, but inbetween visits, there was pretty much nothing-- cards and presents on holidays, but it eventually stopped. I dreaded calling him when we vacationed in Georgia every summer and I often cried as he drove us away from my mom, but he had partial custody, so we had no choice. I always felt uncomfortable being with him. One time when I visited, he made me call my mom and tell her that I didn't want to live with her anymore. I was scared and so I did it. I listened to her cry and I kept telling her that I didn't want to be with her, that I was going to live with my dad because I was scared not to do what he said. But that night, he brought us back to my mom, and I told her what he had done. I didn't see him for a while after that.

He never paid child support, and in his job, that was terrible and he could've been fired and brought up on legal charges, so my step-dad asked him to pay all the money he owed my mom or sign my sister and I over, and there wasn't a moments hesitation. I got a new dad-- one who loved me and is my dad to this day. I mention my parents a lot on my blog. I always mean the parents who raised me-- the dad who loved and wanted me. That's another reason I hate telling people. Once they know, whenever I refer to "my dad", they always ask "which one?" even though I've explained that dad only means one man.

The last visit with bio dad was when I was 16 and visiting my grandparents for Thanksgiving. That year, he was on his third wife. He'd lost a son in childbirth with wife #2, and then they'd had a daughter together who was 8 years younger than me, but wife #2 was so unhappy with him, she ran off, leaving wife #3 to raise the daughter (sadly, wife #3 left too, so little sis has no mom). Anyway, my sister and I called him, out of habit I suppose, and because we wanted to meet our little sister. We hadn't seen him in years, probably because once he signed away his role as our father, there was little point. I knew he didn't really want us. Anyway, the visit was ok-- akward, I suppose, but ok. I remember getting into his car when he picked us up and hearing Loreena McKennit, a singer who I love, and know few people who've ever heard of her. I remember thinking how odd it was that even though I barely knew him, we had the same unusual taste in music. It was Loreena McKennit's latest CD playing the background when I got the text message from my sister (the one I know and always mention) on Friday night with a picture attached, and the message, "recognize this man?" It was a picture of my biological father. Then, my sister called me and said he'd just walked by their table at Ruby Tuesday. I could actually see the restaurant from where I was sitting in my car, waiting for James to come out of a store. She said she knew it was him because she remembered what he looked like, and also because he's a cop and he was in uniform. Her boyfriend said he would've known who he was anyway because he looked so much like me.

When we moved back to Georgia five years ago, we moved to the town where my bio father lives, along with all his family. My sister wanted to contact him. I don't remember why we didn't call him, but instead, we drove to his house and left a note. He never responded. But my little sister, who has my online screen name, has contacted me numerous times, but that was after I made the conscious decision that I didn't want to have anything to do with him, and I told her I just couldn't get involved-- that I had a father who loved me, and although I knew he'd understand (he has said so before), I knew it would hurt him, and most of all, it would hurt me. Also, James encouraged me not to. He doesn't see the point. He thinks it would only hurt everyone. I didn't invite any of them to my wedding, even though they all live in this town. I wondered if any of them read the weeding announcement, but no one contacted me.

For some reason though, on Friday night, seeing the picture of him that my sister's boyfriend inconspicuously snapped with a cell phone, made me ache inside. I blame part of my sadness on Loreena McKennitt's haunting voice, on my hormonal menstrual state, and mostly on the fact that I'm now a parent and I just don't get how you can sign away a child who you raised for 5 years. I don't get it. He didn't want me, not then, not now. He has no idea I'm married. Or that I have a child. And he lives 8 minutes from my house. In fact, I pass his house all time time because he lives in the same neighborhood as a friend of ours. A friend who threw me a bridal shower, and later, a baby shower. And he was just a few houses away, clueless. It's not that I miss him. Sure, I'm curious, but it's just the idea that someone who held me on the day I was born, someone who I called "dada" as a little girl, was and is able to just turn off that part of his life. When asked if he was children, does he respond 3 or 1?

I have felt guitly for a long time about not knowing my sister, for not going to see her when she contacted me. After having had 2 mothers leave her, I probably should have, but I just didn't know how to see her without opening myself up for further hurt and confusion. I don't want to play daughter to him when I know he always cared more about himself than me or my sister. But I also wonder, what kind of life must my little sister have had? He's an incredibly selfish, nasty person.

My mom never told anyone she was divorced, not even her closest friends because she said that she didn't need to. She was happily married to a new man, her children had a father who loved them. Heck, it even says on my birth certificate that I was born to my second dad. He adopted me. She saw no point in saying anything, and I guess I never have either. It's always been a secret. It's something that I go a while without thinking of, but also something that hurts when I do really consider the fact that my biological father more or less abandoned me, and as a parent myself, I don't understand it. How? Why? I mean, I'm the better for it considering I scored a better dad, but there's that thought in the back of my head: I wasn't wanted. I know it's his loss, but still . . .

I confided all this in a Christian co-worker who I roomed with two summers ago while at a conference, and she told me I should contact my little sister, that she probably needed me, and I agreed and told her I would. But I never did. It's so much easier not to go there in my mind. She's now 18 (I think) and she lives minutes away, and she gave up contacting me a couple years back. She said she understood completely. Am I horrible?

So that's my story. Not something you really need to know about me, but now you do. I hadn't thought of him in a long time, until Friday. I actually thought of him earlier that day when I saw a guy who looked like him in Olive Garden but it wasn't him. And then my sister text messaged me that night, and it got me thinking about all this again . . .

Maybe someday I'll contact my sister, but then I'd have to explain to everyone. I'd have to tell them who she was and why I'd never mentioned that I had another sister, and then they'd know my dad wasn't really my dad, and I just don't want to have to go there. I like to pretend that none of it exists, except maybe for a few minutes when I'm staring at a picture of his face on my cell phone. Then, I let it all come to the surface, but otherwise, I like to keep it on the down low. Am I horrible?

100 Things About Moi

I updated and changed my 100 Things this past weekend. I don't think I've ever really posted them (besides on the sidebar), so here goes. What do we have in common? :-)

1. I am 25 years old.

2. I married my soul mate, James, on August 3, 2002.

3. Our daughter, Olivia Beth, was born on April 11, 2006.

4. We have 2 terrific dogs: Gracie, a female rat terrier, and Wrigley, our male poodle. I also have a miniature dachshund named Cooey who lives with my parents (she's a family dog).

5. I live in Georgia, but I grew up in the DC area.

6. I am a proud SAHM.

7. I taught 6th grade English before that.

8. I studied abroad at Cambridge University in England one summer and traveled around Europe.

9. I’ve been to Korea, Mexico, Canada, and Swaziland too, but my favorite place in the whole entire world is South Africa, where my daughter was conceived.

10. I love to cook!

11. I enjoy grocery shopping and according to my husband, I spend way too much time in the produce aisle.

12. I try to eat and buy healthy fresh things and go organic when possible.

13. I love tea and coffee!

14. I am in an international group that swaps tea founded by my good friend Stef.

15. I absolutely love to read!

16. I am very interested in other cultures.

17. I am considering going for a PhD in Cultural Anthropology someday.

18. The Food Network is my favorite channel, but I also like TLC, the Discovery Channel, and the Travel Channel. What can I say? I’m a dork.

19. Jesus is my savior.

20. I try to follow God’s plan for my life.

21. I am very close to my family.

22. I majored in History and English education.

23. I love maps.

24. I have about a gazillion appliances (rice cooker, KitchenAid mixer, food processor, smoothie blender, quesadilla maker, espresso machine, etc)

25. My husband is an engineer.

26. He’s also in grad school.

27. I love music and have very diverse taste!

28. I’ve seen Yanni in concert twice (and have been made fun of more times than that!)

29. I have my nose pierced, but it's so small few people notice.

30. I love slippers and pajamas.

31. My favorite color is blue.

32. My husband and I both drive Saturns. I have an SUV, he has a sedan.

33. I love bath products!

34. Christmas is my favorite time of year.

35. I go a little crazy with the decorations.

36. I will never have a fake tree (I don't mind vacuuming up needles). The real ones just smell too good.

37. I also have a terrific grandma who I have called "Dah" since I was a baby.

38. I have a 23 year old sister who is a nurse.

39. I have the best parents in the world (really, I do).

40. We moved to Georgia to be close to them.

41. Really, James moved for me. I was coming anyway. (We were only dating at the time).

42. James reminds me often of his sacrifice (especially when he wants something).

43. I think it was incredibly romantic. :-)

44. I want to learn another language.

45. The French I learned in high school doesn’t count because I’ve forgotten a lot of it.

46. I used to be really good at sign language. I still remember some of it.

47. I took Latin in high school. It was pretty boring.

48. I think I have a good sense of humor.

49. I grew up in a funny family.

50. I can't keep a straight face when I need to.

51. When I laugh, my cheeks turn bright red

52. When I'm embarrassed, my ears burn.

53. When I'm nervous, I yawn a lot.

54. When I'm really happy, I cry.

55. When I'm sad, I write in a journal.

56. I love blogging!

57. I love dishes (mixing and matching them).

58. I collect teapots.

59. I’m still trying to lose some baby weight.

60. I love stamps and stickers.

61. I like scrapbooking.

62. I love baking!

63. I like a lot of international foods: Indian, Korean, Thai, Vietnamese, Mexican, etc.

64. I like inventing recipes and I think I’m pretty good at it.

65. I love watching movies.

66. I enjoy foreign films and my husband is really good about watching them with me.

67. I make most of my own baby food.

68. I believe mothers should breastfeed whenever possible.

69. I used to believe that extended nursing was weird. Now I see it as something wonderful for your child.

70. We practice many aspects of attachment parenting.

71. We want two more children and we’re considering adopting one of them.

72. I love being a mom!

73. My mom is a wonderful role model.

74. I love the snow (there’s no snow here).

75. But I also love tropical climates!

76. We plan to move in the summer of 2008.

77. We’re not sure where, but we’re thinking about Richmond, VA.

78. My husband’s dad, step-mom, and sister live in Korea.

79. I like taking walks.

80. I love Yoga and Pilates.

81. I have a lot of opinions, but I usually don’t express them.

82. I love wearing flip flops in the summer.

83. I have a few very special pieces of jewelry, besides my wedding band and engagement ring.

84. My husband bought me a tanzanite ring in South Africa with gold elephants and tiny diamonds. Someday it will go to Olivia, my favorite South African souvenir.

85. On the day Olivia was born, James gave me a necklace with Olivia’s birthstone (a diamond) and a silhouette of a mother and child.

86. I used to have 3 holes in one ear and 4 in the other (one was cartilage) but they all closed except one hole per ear.

87. I wouldn’t ever get a tattoo. That’s just me.

88. My hair is really long and I’m too scared to make a drastic change.

89. My hair got a lot darker after my daughter was born.

90. I’ve never gotten a speeding ticket or caused an accident.

91. I’ve been in a few though.

92. A lady hit me almost head-on and totaled my car when I was 7.5 months pregnant. It scared me to death.

93. I have damage in my back from the accident.

94. I love palm trees.

95. I like looking at the ocean more than I enjoy going in.

96. I used to be a vegetarian. I still don’t eat that much meat.

97. I love eating out.

98. I want to travel with my children.

99. My husband worked in Japan before we met, and for the first 6 months of our relationship. We spent a lot of money on phone calls.

100. I am thankful for God’s blessings.

Working it (and hair)

Pilates was totally amazing. The instructor worked my abs something fierce. I didn't know much about pilates, but it focuses a lot on your mid section, or your core. Well, my core could use some toning. She said that if you have muscles in your stomach that aren't toned, your neck often makes up for it, and with my lame-o stretched out abs, my neck is totally feeling it. Anyway, I think I'll keep up with it and maybe add another class for cardio. I also walk a lot with MF. We stopped for a few weeks over the holidays, but we started up again and went a couple miles yesterday. Go us!

Today I got my hair cut a bit shorter, and had layers added. At first, when I saw how short some of the layers seemed, I was kind of freaking out, but I actually really love it now. I'll post a picture later. Right now, my hair looks like crap because I didn't even let her blow dry it. My sister was watching Olivia and waiting on me, so I let it dry naturally, and it looks yucky because I didn't comb it until after it dried in a funky way.

Oh, and speaking of hair, go read this. If you are registered at "Real Savvy Moms", you can leave a comment there. If not, than what the heck are you waiting for? :-) If you're not, you can come back here and tell me that I'm right. :-) I'm joking, but really, I probably am because when it comes to disagreements between me and the hubby, I'm always right of course! :-)

Pity Party

I don't know what was with me today. I felt like a total nut job all day. I was super-stressed and super-emotional. My house is dirty again and I can't seem to find the time to clean it. I hate for my house to be dirty, to the point of obsession (I suppose I'm a bit compulsive about this. I know James would agree). It's not like I'm a clean freak, I just can't seem to relax until it's the way I want it. Olivia has been more high maintenance than usual, which isn't helping. She woke up every hour and a half last night. She'd cry, then she'd nurse, then she'd want to play. Half the times she woke up, she scooted over to me, and started poking at my face until I woke up. I am so freaking tired. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Then, I yelled at James when he came home for lunch because I was so tired, and had so much to do, and he was an easy target to vent my frustrations. While he watched Olivia at lunch, I got dressed and put on my make-up, and the tears started to come. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to think of all the reasons things were good and I needed to pull it together: I was able to quit my job and stay home like I wanted, it's Christmas, I have a wonderful daughter, James's bonus paid for next semester's tuition (which we were praying for), etc, etc.

Then later at the mall, I ran into my favorite student from last year. We hugged and talked for a bit, and her mom told me that I was her favorite teacher and that I had touched many lives. She said the kids loved how happy I was to be there. This particular student has won a few writing contests, and her mom said that as her English teacher, I definitely played a part. It all felt so good, and I bit my lip to keep from crying as I walked away. I felt nostalgic and a little sad. I love being home, but I loved teaching too, and until I go back at some point, it will always be something that I miss.

Another thing that's upsetting me is about my grandma (I should mention her more because we talk every single day and I see her a few days a week. We've always been close). Anyway, she found out that she needs $8,000 worth of dental work and not only can she not really afford it, but it's going to be painful and she can't see putting out that kind of money at her age, but then again, she needs it so she can chew! My heart aches for her. She cried today and said that her body hurts (even though her health is good) and that her 2 knee replacements still ache. She has trouble walking, and now this, and she said she wants to die. I love her and I want her to be happy.

I also feel like I rarely have quality time with James. I think having a baby in our bed is seriously putting a damper on what's supposed to be happening in a married couple's bed. A quickie on the floor (and hitting your head on the nightstand) just isn't going to cut it. But I don't know what else to do. Olivia sleeps less than most adults. She just can't seem to stay asleep and she still doesn't nap, and until things are better and she's more regular, I can't see trying to put her in her crib. Besides, we tried it and it was a nightmare. She woke up constantly, screaming, and I'd finally get her to sleep just to get up shortly after again! I'd be going back and forth all night. It's easier to whip out my boob while still half asleep and nurse her until she's back out. I don't have the energy to do it any other way.

I also need to lose weight. I had a dream last night that my mom told me I was fat. Like she'd ever say that (or even think it). I am feeling badly about myself. I didn't even want to go into Victoria's Secret today with my mom because I kept imagining how fat I'd look in all the lingerie. It's just so hard to find the time to exercise right now, especially this time of year, but I've got to.

Ok, the pity party's over. Who'd like to bet my period will arrive in the next few days? This rant has PMS written all over it.

Selfish

I always get really, really excited when we're having company, but then when they get here, I get annoyed over the stupidest things: their stuff laying around my house (in the case of my MIL, the gazillion boxes of James's stuff she brought from her basement). There are little things laying around here and there and it's annoying me. I feel like the little girl who couldn't share. If I didn't know better, I'd think my petty feelings were due to PMS, but it's not time. It feels like a million and one things are annoying me, some of them though are quite valid. Like: the smell of cigarette smoke in my house because it is NOT good for Olivia. My pristine house that I spent so much to have cleaned is going to smell like an ash tray. And the worst part is that my MIL knows I had it cleaned! Gah! Wanted her to think I cleaned it. HA! I was trying to turn on the oven tonight (because of course I cooked for everyone and cleaned it while James spent quality time with watched TV with his family) and the maids put the wrong knobs back on the stove. I was trying to figure out why the oven wouldn't turn on and James blurted out that the maids must've put the knobs back in the wrong place. Thanks, honey.

The good news is that Olivia has (finally) met her other grandma and is loving it. James's mom is a big help-- she even changed a stinky diaper.

But seriously, I feel like I'm being totally selfish and I SO need to get over it.

Can't decide between seducing the hubby to make me feel better or maybe hitting him for blabbing that I had maids clean our house when I stay home all day. Decision, decisions.

Hair pictures, at last

Here are the pictures I promised, but forgot to post, until my friend Connie reminded me. Thanks!

Last night, I had to wait while James wondered aimlessly around Curcuit City, so I snapped a few shots with my handy dandy camera phone. My hair was in a twisty thing when I took these, but you can see the highlights clearly. They aren't drastic by any means. In fact, I expected a bigger change, but James said he really likes how natural it looks.

And in other hair news, my hair isn't falling out quite as much as it was and it doesn't look as thin on the sides as it did. I still am a bit self-conscious about pulling it back in a ponytail though . . .

Ok, and now for the pictures:

And when Olivia saw I was taking pictures of my hair, she expressed interest in me posting one of hers. She's quite proud of the new strands of golden blonde that recently appeared atop her precious little head.

My Passion

Tonight was a night I've been looking forward to: the premiere of "Moms on the Road: Africa". It's about 8 moms who leave their families to spend 6 weeks traveling around Africa. Tonight's episode took place in Cape Town, a place near and dear to my heart-- my favorite city in the world. I saw places I recognized, and it brought tears to my eyes. It also amazed me how ignorant some of these woman were about the world. Some of them didn't know that Africa was a continent. Hello? One of the black Americans didn't know there were white people in South Africa. You'd think these woman would've attempted to find out a bit about where they were going.

Besides my family, traveling is my passion in life. I am really excited about some of the new shows on the Travel Channel. I can't wait for Joan Cusack's new travel show. I know it'll be a hoot!

Since I can't travel right now-- Olivia's too young, no money, etc-- I am living vicariously through people on the Travel Channel. I know my traveling days are far from over. It's just a matter of time. I have miles to go before I sleep . . . I want to give Olivia the gift of knowledge and experience. I want to give her the world.

I totally love this commercial. It makes me want to hop on the next plane to wherever.

Still on the list: India, Thailand, Kenya, Japan . . . the list goes on.

Where do you dream of going?

Click below to see where I've gone.

Already been to:

1994: Ontario, Canada (family vacation)
1996: Ontario, Quebec, and Montreal Canada (family vacation)
1999: Cancun, Mexico (family trip celebrating my high school graduation)
2000: England, Wales, Belgium, France, Germany, Austria, The Netherlands, Italy, and the Vatican (went to Cambridge University for summer school, then traveled around Europe with friends)
2001: Cancun, Mexico (family trip for sister's high school graduation)
2002: Cancun, Mexico (honeymoon-- loved it so much, wanted to take James)
2004: Seoul, Korea (with James to see his family)
2005: South Africa & Swaziland (the best experience of my life besides events pertaining to my family)

Looking back, I am so blessed to have been able to travel. That's one reason I have NO money, but it's so worth it.

Change is afoot . . .

I have decided to change my blogging style. I don't write enough about who I am, what my daily life is like. There are other bloggers I feel I know. I know what they do, what they feel. When I look at mine, I don't see it that way. I mean, do you really know what I've been doing the last couple of days? Probably not, and if I don't write more about it, I won't remember some day either. So, with that said, I'm going to try to get more into the details, and if it's boring as hell, well, I'll stop!

OK, so yesterday . . . yesterday was sad and eye-opening. I went to Target, as I often do, but for some reason there were tons of children with major problems there: illnesses, handicaps, you name it, and none of them were together. Pure coincidence. I was there to get Olivia some fall stuff (I know I said no more, but my mom bought them, so you can't yell at me!) The first one I noticed was a young girl (maybe 5?) in one of those head and neck supporting wheelchairs. I looked, felt sad, and continued shopping. Next, I saw a tiny baby (too tiny to be out in public if you ask me) in a stroller, covered with a tent-like plastic. Think boy in the bubble. The tiny thing was hooked up to an oxygen tank which was being wheeled next to the stroller. Every few seconds, it beeped and I'd hear the tiny baby take a breath. I smiled at them and pushed my perfectly healthy, chubby girl away, saying a silent prayer for the baby. Not even two minutes later, I saw a young boy (4 maybe?) with leg braces walking with much difficulty while he attempted to hold on to an umbrella stroller with his mangled hands. My heart sank. He was a beautiful little boy, and as I watched his mother walk patiently beside him, I though how proud I'd be if that were my son. But then again, maybe that's not how I'd feel. I can't really say, can I? I suppose a mother is proud no matter what, but I'm sure with that pride comes a defensive feeling because you know people are watching him. I was starting to wonder if God was laying these images on my heart because I have laid in bed the last few nights, unable to sleep, trying to think how I can pay off the rest of our credit card. Then, as I was leaving, in walks a young girl (I'm guessing 7 or 8) with her mother and sister. She was completely bald, obviously from chemo, and I started to cry, right there in the middle of Target. God, you were sending me a message, weren't you? I wouldn't trade Olivia's health for all the money in the world. Last night, as I prayed about these things, I felt God say, "I'll take care of you. I always do" and I thanked him for our health.

Now for a bit lighter material. Last night I made the most incredible pad khing chicken(ginger, garlic and soy sauce sauteed with mushrooms, green peppers, and onion. Oh my!) I used a recipe from a Thai cookbook, so I can't take much credit, but it tasted JUST LIKE what I order at Chili Thai, one of our favorite restaurants. James even remarked that we didn't have to go there to order it anymore, to which I gave him the most evil look.

Then, after dinner, Olivia and I went by the mall of drop off my white gold chain to be fixed. Remember the necklace James bought me when I had Olivia? I leaned over and the chain got caught in Olivia's car seat. Luckily, it's easy to fix! Anyway, I took this as we were leaving. My new trick for when she's fussy in the car, or at any time, is giving her a spoon to suck on. She first showed interest in my spoon a couple of weeks ago, and now she beams when she sees one.

But then she decided that she'd rather play with the plant.

So, she ditched the spoon . . .

Well, Olivia just woke up from a 20 minute nap, which is actually long for her, so I'm off to change her. We've already had two poops today, one of which got all over her sheets, so hopefully there won't be any more surprises today! :-)

Blast from the Past

A few night ago, I decided to check out My Space. I'm sure most of you have heard of it. Have you sign up for it? I set up an account months ago, but just haven't had the chance to really spend much time on it. If I get the chance to go online, I usually try to blog. Anyway, I had several messages from high school friends with questions like, "Is this the same Hannah from high school? I know you're married and the name is different, so I wasn't sure" and "You had a baby? Oh my gosh! I can't believe it!" Like many people, I had hoped to catch up with some old friends, but now that I have, it's made me depressed. When I saw friends who have gotten married, had kids, finished grad school, etc, it just made high school seem sooooo long ago, which left me feeling old. Old and sad. I'm closer to 30 than I am to 20. James's 10 year reunion is approaching, leaving me wondering where the hell time did time go?

I found one of my nest friends from middle school. We later had a falling out in high school because she decided she wanted to drink and smoke and be a slut, and I didn't buy into all that. I also found another close friend from high school who now lives in Israel and from what I gathered, he's becoming a rabbi! Whoa! It's so strange to see what these people are doing. I remember passing notes to them, and screaming at football games with them.

I know it's funny that I am so surprised by all the changes, because I think I surprised them even more. I'm one of the only ones who is married and has a baby!

I think, if I get the chance, I'm going to go dig up some old photo albums from high school . . .

Drowning

I had planned to write this whole entry about feeling overwhelmed, lonely, like I've lost myself, blah blah blah, but now that I'm really thinking about it, I'm not so sure I want to write something that I'll wish I hadn't tomorrow. Maybe I'll just touch on it a little. And maybe, just maybe, someone else out there is feeling some of what I am?

I don't want anything I say to be miscontrued as anything like this: that I don't LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mom because I do, or that I wish I hadn't quit my job because I definitely am glad I did. But . . .

I am feeling again like I have lost myself. I am starting to already regret my choice of topic as I type, but I am going to keep going. Go, fingers, go! Keep typing!

I feel like my husband and I aren't as close, and being a wife is definitely part of my identity. I knew when we tried to conceive our daughter last year that the timing would be tough. James is in full-time grad school in addition to having a demanding job. It just seems like I am picking up all the slack because he has no time. I can barely keep up with the house and take care of Olivia. Look at the time I'm posting. My clock says 12:17. It's the only time I have. James has a couple weeks off, and in the 3 nights he's had off so far, he talked to a friend for a while one night, and then played tennis with another tonight. Now, we did spend some time together after those things, but I feel like I am always watching Olivia. Why does he get time on his own, but I don't? And even typing those words has made me feel horribly guilty-- like I don't enjoy watching her when it's the farthest thing from the truth-- I LOVE being with my baby, BUT, I need some time for me. If not to do something I want to do, at least to exercise and get some of this weight off. I am in serious danger of having no self-esteem. The truth is, I can already tell my self image has changed. I joke about being fat. I feel self-conscious a lot. I avoid looking in the mirror. My complexion is terrible. I need to touch up highlights that I can't afford because I quit my job.

The weirdest thing is this dichotomy: how can I be the happiest I've ever been since having my daughter, yet feel more depressed about myself? It doesn't make sense.

I resent James for making time to do things he wants. I don't have that luxury. (again, I'm saying things I'll regret later, but damn it feels good to write them now). I'm scared to ask for time for myself. I feel guilty even acknowledging that I kind of, maybe want do something for me. I'm a mom. I'm supposed to be selfless and my world is supposed to revolve around my child. This is normal mom stuff, right? My mom never did anything for herself. She still doesn't and we're all grown up.

Part of these feelings are coming from the fact that school has started again and even though I said I was fine with it, I think I was lying to myself. Obviously, there are some feelings that haven't quite come to the surface. I miss my friends and the fun we had the last two years. (and I'm already feeling like I need to justify my "mommyness" by saying how much fun I have with Olivia, and I do, but I need to allow myself to deal with these other feelings). I miss my partner in parenting who has little time for family. We knew it'd be hard to first year until he finished school. He told me it'd be this way. I wanted to get pregnant anyway. I miss my mom who went back to school to go and teach at my old school no less. And she has this new job with my blessing, because I told her about this opening and recommended her, but it still feels weird.

I think I know how to solve this. I need to take my grandma and mom up on their offer to pay for me to do something for myself one night a week. I just need to figure out what that something is. I'd like to do something fun, but structured. Maybe even something to help me lose weight. Going to the gym is not an option though because it is not structured enough. I need a class like yoga, dance, or pilates. Any ideas?

I hope when I'm more rested and less emotional, I don't regret revealing all these feelings to the internet. But, it's my blog-- my space-- and I needed to vent to someone. Thanks for listening.

Tomorrow, prepare yourself for some major cuteness (more pictures-- in a ducky dress!) and we can pretend like everything is perfect here at Teatopia.

Healthy Alone Time and My Boy Friend's Boyfriend

After having gone out every night this week, I am determined to st